I asked my phone: "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"
She said: "I'm Alexa you moron."

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!

My friend was bragging about his new hearing aid. "State of the Art," he said,
"It cost me a fortune."
I asked: "Awesome what type is it?
"He said: "Two thirty."

What does the new hate crime law say? A lot of the new Hate Crime and Public Order (Scotland) Act simply restates hate crime laws that have already been in place for well over a decade. But it also contains some new laws. The parts of the Act that directly apply to hate crime targeting LGBTI+ peopl...

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal cords from stem cells in the lab.
The results speak for themselves.

My wife rang me at the pub and said, "If you're not home in 10 minutes, I'm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog."
I was home in 5 minutes.
l'd hate for anything to happen to the dog.

It is a five minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house.
The difference is staggering.

This interesting video (English subtitles) explains how Bi-2 were rescued from being deported to Russia.

My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday.
I wasn’t expecting that on the postcard she sent from Spain.

Womb is pronounced as "woom" and tomb as "toom".
It's only fair that bomb should go "boom".

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

It was 10 years ago today my best mate James came running out of the room shouting "It's a boy!" with tears streaming down his face.
We never went back to Thailand.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 3 am this morning and said "I can't sleep."


"Well it's your lucky day," I said."We've got a party going on in here, come in."

I asked a German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

I recently joined a nudist colony.

The first few days were the hardest.

How do you console an English teacher?

There, their, they're.

Just finished a book "101 Mating Positions" and I was very disappointed.

Turned out to be a book about chess.

I've been working really hard on my spelling lately.

My teacher says I'm nearly their.

HR: What is this 4 year gap in your resumé?

Applicant: That was when I went to Yale.

HR: Excellent. You're hired.

Applicant: Thanks. I really need this yob.