What would you do?

Post by **Doc** » December 28, 2006, 7:32 pm

This topic has been discussed many times - though I haven't seen it on the forum recently. With many more new members, it might be worth revisiting.

Facts: A friend of yours here in Udon Thani is out of the country working. He is gone for long times, but then comes back for extended visits. Use your own definition of what you call a "friend."

While he is gone, you observe that his wife is frequently in the company of another man - always the same man. (Makes no difference if it is falang or Thai - after all a man is a man.) She does not know that you have seen her in these situations. You don't know if there is "anything" going on between them.

You basically have an option to tell him or not to tell him. What would you do?

Post by **jetdoc** » December 28, 2006, 8:50 pm

Recently a friend of my wife called from Pattaya and told my wife that she saw her cousin's (sister?) boyfriend with a go go girl. I ask my wife what she was going to do. She said not my business. If I were with someone else and saw it my response would be "did you see that, I didn't". Call me what you will, but somethings are better left alone.

Post by **BKKSTAN** » December 28, 2006, 9:37 pm

I voted that it is not my business!Because I believe that most friendships between myself and others in Thailand don't have the intimacy involved that would put me in a position to intervene in personal relationships!
Unless I am asked to help,and I accept,I am out of line sticking my nose in their business!
I was reading a recent readers submission on stickman that brought up this issue as it relates to an army guy ,fighting in Iraq,sending money to his B/G fiancee and planning on living here with her after his tour is finished!She is doing business as usual.Should his ''friend'' inform the soldier?In that situation,I absolutely vote no for two reasons!First,he needs to give his full attention to staying alive and alert!Second,at 24,he has plenty of time to learn from his mistakes and recover!
What is hard for me is watching retired guys take everything they have saved from a lifetime of work and give it away for sexual attention.But it is their choice!They have plenty of resources to learn about and understand the pitfalls!

Post by **beer monkey** » December 28, 2006, 9:50 pm

Telling a Good friend will be difficult, and you would need to be 110% sure.
if its a good friend he needs to be told especially if its a genuine marrige (signed papers etc),it may well hurt the guy but if he was a good friend he would appreciate it after a while, also he may already have a slight suspicion so a nudge in the right direction may be what he's looking for.But would tread carefully.!!
if just a casual friend that you don't know that well would leave well alone.
i hear about such storys all the time, lots of village girls have a few thai boyfriends when their boyfriend/husband ??(farang) is back home, don't really pay too much attention to it but its out there for sure.

a good friend i define as someone you have known for many many years and have spent a lot of time with.

Post by **arjay** » December 28, 2006, 10:05 pm

The topic said a friend. So if he was my friend I would feel a duty to tell him (assuming I was sure of my facts). Indeed, I would feel I was betraying, my friend, if I didn't tell him.

Maybe we don't all have the same interpretation/definitions of a "friend"!

If he was just someone I vagually knew, then I would leave things alone.

Post by **macduff** » December 28, 2006, 11:25 pm

I would have to tell him about what's going on. if he's a true friend it's your duty to let him know,as he would with you.I know it sounds cruel but a guy coming and going from there home is not acceptable which ever way you look at it. And for me personally i would end the marriage and get back down to the go go bars of pattaya,and find myself another stunner

Post by **panick** » December 28, 2006, 11:26 pm

I think he should be told providing its proven to be a 100% fact that she is cheating on him.
He's gonna find out from someone in the long run, if he also finds out that his friends knew and said nothing who would he turn to for help?
Its always mentaly devasting when a partner is found to be cheating on you but to find out that your friends knew and said nothing might be enough to push you over the edge

TELL HIM

Post by **skipvice** » December 29, 2006, 1:07 am

If he is very good friend you would have to tell him, but you risk losing your friendship, if he is in love with her he will belive her lies and you lose you friendship, on the otherhand if he finds out she was playing around when he was gone and you did not let him know you have the same problem.
I think it is better to tell him and risk loseing his friendship than see him get duped. (or not)

Post by **Paul** » December 29, 2006, 1:16 am

I voted to drop hints and then you might be suprised and be told - oh yes thats her brother or her business partner or something.
Where you go from there is another issue !

What if you told himhis g/f or wife was having an affair and it turned out to be completely innocent, after all it is allowable to have firends and colleagues of the opposite sex.

I note that many people have added that they would tell him (if they were 100% sure of their facts)
How can they be that sure ???

What if the guy accuses his wife or g/f and it really is completely innocent - they have then lost many years of trust - because you decided to stick your nose into their business !

Post by **panick** » December 29, 2006, 1:54 am

It would have to be conclusive proof... ie some x-rated photo's or something simular

A lot of Thai's are very "touchy-feely" with each other..always holding hands,touching when talking etc etc when they are no more than friends, and are completely innocent of sexual activity otherwise as "Paul" many years of trust could be lost

Post by **madpsyontist** » December 29, 2006, 1:54 am

If he was a "friend" i would only relay what i saw. i cannot speculate on what did or didn't happen. That is his job to discern what is going on between them. Perhaps the guy is just a friend but would you want your wife hanging out with another man while you were out of the country.

Besides if he choose not to believe me that is up to him at least he was warned. I wouldn't bring it up again unless I saw her out with that person again. Still it is up to him on how to handle that situation. I would not judge him on how he handles it - its his life. Sometimes we have to make our own mistakes and learn from those situations.

When was younger, I personally was in a situation where my best friend had slept with my girlfriend. I never had any reason to suspect anything. I didnt find out til 6 months later while my other suppposedly "good friends" were too afraid to tell me b/c i would be hurt. Meanwhile we go out to events and functions and i look like the "ass" b/c everyone knows but my dumbass. my girlfriend and him carry on like nothing ever happened.

meanwhile this Ahole is hinting for me to leave her that she is no good and then visits her at work telling her that i am no good for her.

Suffice to say i am no longer with her nor friends with him. Supposedly it was a one time thing but he still pursued her afterwards.

I would much rather know although they say ignorance is bliss.

Post by **BKKSTAN** » December 29, 2006, 5:11 am

Has anyone that thinks he should be told,thought about their personal safety!There might be a reaction from the Thai side if you mess with there income!!
I would suggest an anonymous awakening ,if you feel compelled to intervene!I guess this would fall in the category of ''hints'' but from an anonymous source!

Post by **panick** » December 29, 2006, 6:57 am

Good point Stan

Most of the replies are based on "Western Culture,morals and ethics"...INCLUDING Mine

Damn I hope it isn't my Missus messing around

wouldn't want to face the local "Machete Mob"

So we have a problem here.......
Where do your Loyalties lie

How strong is Friendship when it comes down to a matter like this

Post by **BKKSTAN** » December 29, 2006, 1:01 pm

Think about it,friend or not,how well can you trust a guy that is head over heals about a young woman to not mention that you are the one that informed on her!You sure you want to get in that situation in Thailand

I would think that there is a time to think about the effects of your action and how they may impact you and your families life in Thailand!
This is another form of confrontation involving a Thai.It could be veiwed as by an extended family of the girl as you robbing them of their livelihood and the loss of face involved could create an unneeded safety issue for you and yours!

Post by **Doc** » December 29, 2006, 1:06 pm

I think to have a proper discussion on this, we must set aside the ethnic issues and deal with falang - Thai - falang. That puts things in a different perspective since we are keeping the potential violence out of the picture.

I must add - I do think that falangs fears of reprisals from Thais are a bit too much drama. When you post things like that, you are painting with a might broad brush.

Sure - violence can happen from Thais - just as it can from a falang.

Post by **BKKSTAN** » December 29, 2006, 1:24 pm

Doc wrote:I think to have a proper discussion on this, we must set aside the ethnic issues and deal with falang - Thai - falang. That puts things in a different perspective since we are keeping the potential violence out of the picture.

I must add - I do think that falangs fears of reprisals from Thais are a bit too much drama. When you post things like that, you are painting with a might broad brush.

Sure - violence can happen from Thais - just as it can from a falang.

IMO,That is the most naive statement you have ever posted.Obviously your experiences relating to confrontation with Thais is very much different than mine!Especially confrontation relating to livelihood!

Post by **jingjai** » December 29, 2006, 4:11 pm

Some guy's just really don't want to know or can't believe their tilak would do such a thing. A friend of mine from Pattaya lost two very old and good friends of his because he told them he saw their girlfriends out with other men while they were away. I guess he didn't know them as well as he thought he did, even though one of the guy's had been his friend for over thirty years. And, yes he was a 100% sure what was going on. My friend said he would never say anything to anyone again. I said next time take a photo with your mobile. One picture worth a thousand words.
Now, what would I do? I would tell him. I agree with Arjay, I would feel I'd be betraying my friend by keeping quiet.

Post by **Seaserpent** » December 29, 2006, 4:37 pm

Good topic..... Lets look at it the other way.....

what if your best friend were living here full time and had the most loving wife you could ever imaging.....
And you finds out that he spend a good amount of time at the local short time place.... You approach him, and laughs and says "I did not married her because of good sex"...
But on the other hand cheating is one of our rights as married guys. Right?

Post by **Paul** » December 29, 2006, 7:04 pm

Excellent question !

It doesn't have to be the 'local short time place' - what if you saw him out and about with another lady ???

Would you then go and tell his 'most loving wife you could ever imagine' what her husband and your great friend is up to?

After all she (the wife)may be a great friend of yours too - so where do your loyalties lie now ???

Post by **panick** » December 30, 2006, 6:41 am

Seaserpent wrote: But on the other hand cheating is one of our rights as married guys. Right?

I've never heard that in the "Wedding Vows"

Still.....Each to their own.....Personally I don't "Cheat" and I like to think that the G/f is the same (until one of you "Buggers" send me a photo

)

So if "She " is cheating on him... OR "He" is cheating on her....WHAT THE HELL ARE TOGETHER FOR

What would you do?

Would you tell a friend who is not in the country that you saw his wife with another man on more than one ocassion?

What would you do?