i have a problem need some advise

Post by **WALTERJ** » February 2, 2008, 12:02 pm

first of all i enjoy all your posts and look forward to reading them each night. let me give you a llittle back ground
met my girlfriend last february on mega friends she is 43 ,i am 58. i am from texas , she is a school teacher. i flew into udon 3 weeks later, she told me her home belonged to her exhusband and that it would cause her problems if i stayed there and she has 2 boys 13 and 19. i had no problem i stayed at the grand and took a taxie to her school thursday and friday about a 3 hour drive each way . all her teachers seemed to like me , she took off 3 days and we stayed together in the hotel . i have made 2 more trips into bangkok and she met me there and we traveled . on the third trip i gave her a ring and also sent her 300.00 dollars each month.i had the feeling we loved each other and told her i wanted to marry her.i also told her on my fourth trip i wanted to look at realestate in udon and that i wanted to spend a week in udon.again no problem
last week is when the problem came up . so here it is . i told her i wanted to meet her parents and visit their rubber tree farm and visit her village. she said that would cause her problems . she said her village and parents would not accept me . so i asked her what she has told her parents and sons when she went off to bangkok the past 2 trips. she informed me that she told them she was on a school trip. so i got mad and asked her why she lied (in an email she does not speak english well).i also explained to her that at begining i did not like my sons girlfriend but accepted her because he married her,i think some of you can relate to this. i told her , her parents would bound to accept me since i made her happy and asked her what she thought. i am willing to take on her sons . all the answers she gives me it is a culture difference and that i do not uderstand. she answers no questios in a direct way.this has been going on for a week now. i have a plane ticket to go on march 28. i have told her if she does not tell her parents or her sons the truth i am walking away from this and again no answer . all she says she likes the old me and not the new me .
i appreciate you all reading this and giving me your input thank you walter

Post by **BobHelm** » February 2, 2008, 12:36 pm

Walter. I always find it hard to offer advice to anyone on a subject like this because without personally knowing the people involved it is hard to make a judgement. So all I can tell you is what I would do...

I would come to Udon with a clear mindset that I would be on holiday here, alone. If my lady did not want me to meet her parents I would find that unbelievably strange & suspicious. I have had two long term girlfriends in Udon. In both cases the parents were delighted to see me & in both cases the girlfriend was 'pushy' to get me to go and meet them!!
I can understand why a Thai lady might want to keep a relationship with a Falang a secret from her family until she was sure that it was serious. If I had made ever effort to convince her that I was in it for the long term & she still did not want me to meet the family then I would say 'thank you & goodnight' & walk away.

Post by **Casmeri** » February 2, 2008, 12:44 pm

Walter,

You seem to be putting some time pressure on resolving some complicated issues. I caution patience. If you love this woman; what difference does it make how long it takes for the relationship to develop.
Take it easy friend...

Casmeri

Post by **lighspur1** » February 2, 2008, 12:55 pm

Might want to hire a private dectective to make sure everything she told you was on the up and up.

Post by **Aardvark** » February 2, 2008, 12:57 pm

There is a very good chance that her ex-husband is not exactly ex to begin with. The family may have come upon bad times [financially] and you walked into her life at that very time and turned out to be a very generous man. Or, your GF may come from a prominant family in their area and a Falang may embarrass them as we are looked down upon in some circles of the community. What bothers me is the statement that she profers the old you to the current one i.e. the distant Falang who sends money regularly, no questions asked. You may have to accept that you have just completed your first lesson at Water Buffalo University and that there is no shame in that. On the other hand it could be as simple as you moving a bit fast and scaring the S@#t out of her. For your sake I hope it's the latter. Anyway, you came to the right place for ideas and by tomorrow you should have enough opinions to be able to make a more informed decision, good luck and welcome to the Forum.

Post by **dill** » February 2, 2008, 1:41 pm

walter
i have also spend some time in a village and found that the older thai generations will froun upon her being still married and having a new boyfreind ,even if she is seperated from her husband.
maybe because of this reason she is a bit scared to take you into her village.
i wish you all the best in this mater anyhow

Post by **arjay** » February 2, 2008, 1:54 pm

I'd certainly endorse Aadvark's reply. It could be that she still has a husband in her village and she is using you for additional financial support and a bit of excitement in her life.

Or it could be that she doesn't want to create embarrassment with her family until she is sure about her relationship with you. Though if you have "known" her for about a year, she should have had enough time to make that assessment.

I guess I could also understand it if her ex was genuinely her ex, but was still providing some sort of support for the children. She wouldn't want to bring a new boyfriend into the frame for risk of losing what support she gets from him.

300 dollars is quite a bit to be sending her if she is a working teacher.

If you met her through the Internet, did she previously indicate exactly what sort of relationship she was looking for? Maybe she only wants a boyfriend at a distance.

Have you gently asked her if she is actually divorced (assuming she was actually married)?

You may have to cool/slow things down and just keep your eyes and ears open looking for clues through information picked up in your day to day conversations, and see if she trips up or gives away information or inconsistencies. Also think about what you are expecting from the "relationship".

I'll be interested to see what other more experienced members suggest as a possible way forward.

Post by **WALTERJ** » February 2, 2008, 2:15 pm

i appreciate all of your input , do you all not think that by going to udon 3 times in a year is not enough proof that i care and is a year of knowing her not enough to meet her parents . what makes me made is that i have her picture in my office and at home . yet at the same time i know pictures of me are no where to be found with her i have a degree in accounting , i sure hope i do not have to start school again by going to the water university but i have a strange feeling i and standing at the entrance and just do not want to believe it. thanks again guys i appreciate your help

Post by **WALTERJ** » February 2, 2008, 2:22 pm

i believe her ex is her ex because otherwise she would not have brought me to her school. i think she would loose face and it would get back to her village . it is my understanding it is ok for a thai married man to have a girlfriend but a married thai women would be considered a ***** if she had a boyfriend

Post by **rickfarang** » February 2, 2008, 2:23 pm

You are more aware than most and did the right thing by coming to this forum to ask for advice.

I agree with Aardvark and arjay, and you too. You apparently sense that there is something she is avoiding telling you, and I suspect your senses are correct.

One thing that you might not be aware of is that in many cases, the woman in question can create a completely false "reality" for the victim. She may not be a teacher, although you have met her co-workers, she may not be divorced, even though you have stayed in her house with her children (if, indeed its her home and those are her children). In some cases (and I have seen these with my own eyes), many people get into the act - friends, neighbors, even employers, to create the "reality" the woman wants you to see. And they see nothing wrong with doing so.

(When I was confronted by similar clues many years ago, I failed to act on them. In the end, it cost me a lot of heartache and money.) I wish I had taken a friend's advice, which is the same that lighspur1 offered above - hire an investigator. That way, you will have a clear conscience when you pull the plug on your relationship with this woman.

You can find investigators that will be happy to investigate your case in Udon by Googling the string: "private investigator udon thani". The investigation might cost 1 or 2 thousand dollars, but it will be well worth it if it saves you from the stress, grief, and financial loss that you are likely to suffer if you ignore your senses.

Peronally, if I were in your shoes today, with what you learned recently, I would be making a graceful, permanent exit from the relationship.

BTW, don't let her guilt you into keeping up the $300/month payments. She was ok on her earnings as a teacher (and they have ways to increase their earnings above their salary), and she will be find after the payments stop.

Continue to listen to your intuition -its telling you something that you might not want to, but need to hear.

Good luck. Please keep us informed.

"i have told her if she does not tell her parents or her sons the truth i am walking away from this and again no answer . all she says she likes the old me and not the new me .
i appreciate you all reading this and giving me your input thank you walter"

Post by **Stevo** » February 2, 2008, 2:59 pm

Hi WalterJ,
Welcome to the forum, and by the sound if it... welcome to WBU

I agree with BobHelm, Aardvark and arjay.
From what you describe, it sounds like she is playing you... if I were you, I would stop sending money until you are clear of what is happening, (as mentioned she will live quite well on her salary as a teacher).
If she was serious about the relationship with you, she would more likely be the one 'pushing' you to meet her parents.

You have come to the right place for advise... most of us already have WBU degrees.

Good luck!

Post by **Zidane** » February 2, 2008, 3:58 pm

My original thoughts were that her husband was not ex but then again you visited her place of work and stayed with her sons without a problem.
Normally her parents would be delighted she has met a farang.You would be classed as a living ATM Machine,if nothing else !
There is obviously something in the village she does not want you to see.It could be the ex is still on the scene or she could be having a relationship with another Thai man in the village.Also,it is possible she has brought another farang there in the not too distant past.
By coming to Udon three times a year YOU have certainly shown you are commited to the relationship.
Thai relationships are sometimes very complicated and you can take nothing for granted.I think most of the guys on this forum have some sort of degree at the Water Buffalo University !
I agree with the other guys that until this issue is resolved,one way or the other,you must stop sending her $300 each month.
I'd still come to Udon on 28th March even if the relationship has cooled.You can still have a lot of fun.Theres plenty of fish in the sea,as they say !

Zidane

Post by **beer monkey** » February 2, 2008, 7:30 pm

I agree with everyone.

i had no problem i stayed at the grand and took a taxie to her school thursday and friday about a 3 hour drive each way

A 3 hour drive from Udon.....where abouts was this walter ?

also i find it a bit odd if she was placing an profile on a dating website for a farang companion/bf/husband... she is now playing this part of the 'Culture' card.....

if it was all genuine i am pretty sure you would be welcomed into meeting ma + Pa and all the rest.

Tread carefully.

Post by **jingjai** » February 2, 2008, 7:41 pm

[quote="Zidane"Theres plenty of fish in the sea,as they say !

Zidane[/quote]

www.plentyoffish.com

Also: www.dateinasia.com

Both FREE sites!

Post by **beer monkey** » February 2, 2008, 7:47 pm

plentyof fish . com...lol plenty of mingers and oddballs.com more like.

Ahhh the Datesinasia site thats better..

Post by **Zidane** » February 2, 2008, 9:20 pm

Ha,Ha ! Bloody hell,jingjai,thats not the fish in the sea I had in mind !
Definitely a lot of weirdos on that site.
The Asian one is better,for sure.

But if Walter makes it to Udon,its much better to sample the real thing!
Plenty of nice ladies around but take your time........

Zidane

Post by **treehugger** » February 2, 2008, 9:26 pm

WalterJ, as you met this lady on the internet, I have to assume that you are looking for a future wife/companion and that the internet was just one search method. I know of two ladies in my village, one in her early 30s and the other in her early 40s who are well educated, speak good English, in employment, own their own homes, are good looking (by anyone

Post by **jingjai** » February 2, 2008, 9:35 pm

Well there are a few Udon ladies in there:

http://www.plentyoffish.com/basicsearch/

http://www.plentyoffish.com/basicsearch.aspx

Post by **beer monkey** » February 2, 2008, 10:54 pm

Thats a rather longgggggggg link even for my widescreen..

Post by **wazza** » February 2, 2008, 11:30 pm

I just tried the Plentyoffish web site for where im working !!!

God what a great hit, plenty of bombshells here

http://www.isarapix.com/pix92/1201966097.jpg

i have a problem need some advise

i have a problem need some advise

I did the plentyoffish.com for Algeria