I wonder if inside her mouth is latex?
Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Japanese unveil Life-like walking female robot
Yes BM .She sure looked like she was Holding something back!Maybe they forgot to make a aperture for The poor thing!
I wonder if inside her mouth is latex?
I wonder if inside her mouth is latex?
-
LoongLee
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 846
- Joined: February 15, 2009, 8:54 pm
- Location: Virginia- Sic Semper Tyrannis
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows f *****g everything.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows f *****g everything.
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
LuangLee wrote:FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows f *****g everything.
=D> =D> =D>-
LoongLee
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 846
- Joined: February 15, 2009, 8:54 pm
- Location: Virginia- Sic Semper Tyrannis
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
-
LoongLee
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 846
- Joined: February 15, 2009, 8:54 pm
- Location: Virginia- Sic Semper Tyrannis
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with
this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5
inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side as to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt
to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?
*(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel
of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so
from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with
this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5
inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side as to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt
to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?
*(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel
of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so
from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the ****** difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucken beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fuhqin business.
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the ****** difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucken beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fuhqin business.
-
LoongLee
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 846
- Joined: February 15, 2009, 8:54 pm
- Location: Virginia- Sic Semper Tyrannis
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
And these are for those that don't think Australians have a sense of humor: 
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
.... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is .
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
____________________________ ______________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
.... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is .
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
____________________________ ______________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
-
Irish Alan
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 3610
- Joined: April 1, 2007, 7:22 am
- Location: ขอนแก่น
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
Excellent LL.. =D>
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
Sean Connery met Cilla Black at an award ceremony. For the first time since her husband died Cilla felt a stirring. She thought about the rumours of Sean’s incredible powers of recovery and thought that tonight was the night she would again partake of the pleasures of the flesh. After a very pleasant dinner she and Sean ended up in his bed.
After an amazing session she asked Sean whether the rumours of his recovery times were true. “Och ayeâ€, said Sean, “but I need 15 minutes rest and you must hold my bat and balls whilst I sleep.†True to his word Sean performs again, with spirit and feeling, just 15 minutes later.
Cilla can’t help but be impressed, particularly considering Sean’s age. She has been celibate for years and finds herself wondering whether Sean could do three on the bounce. Sean says again that he only needs 15 minutes but that Cilla must again hold his block and tackle whilst he rests.
Session three is breathtakingly good and Cilla, finally, is sated.
“amazing, Sean†she says. But tell me “how does my holding your bits aid your recovery time?â€
“It doesn’t†replies Sean “ but the last scouser I slept with nicked my walletâ€
After an amazing session she asked Sean whether the rumours of his recovery times were true. “Och ayeâ€, said Sean, “but I need 15 minutes rest and you must hold my bat and balls whilst I sleep.†True to his word Sean performs again, with spirit and feeling, just 15 minutes later.
Cilla can’t help but be impressed, particularly considering Sean’s age. She has been celibate for years and finds herself wondering whether Sean could do three on the bounce. Sean says again that he only needs 15 minutes but that Cilla must again hold his block and tackle whilst he rests.
Session three is breathtakingly good and Cilla, finally, is sated.
“amazing, Sean†she says. But tell me “how does my holding your bits aid your recovery time?â€
“It doesn’t†replies Sean “ but the last scouser I slept with nicked my walletâ€
can anyone help my neighbour
Your Technical skills Required !!!
If anyone of you electronic guru's knows how to connect a surround sound DVD/VCR, please let me know.
My new neighbour keeps on asking me.
My other half complains about all time I am spending there, to try and help her -
I really don't know how.
Here is a photo of what the set-up looks like.
Maybe you can help.......!!!
If anyone of you electronic guru's knows how to connect a surround sound DVD/VCR, please let me know.
My new neighbour keeps on asking me.
My other half complains about all time I am spending there, to try and help her -
I really don't know how.
Here is a photo of what the set-up looks like.
Maybe you can help.......!!!
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Juan Kosoff
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Re: can anyone help my neighbour
Hang on I'll just get me dongle out.
Re: can anyone help my neighbour
i tried putting her sub woofer in a better position,
but only ended up with carpet burns.
but only ended up with carpet burns.
Re: can anyone help my neighbour
I think the problem is the "thongal" It's not needed, remove it and through it away;o)
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jackspratt
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Re: can anyone help my neighbour
Is this lady multi-tasking ie doing the vacuuming while she is trying to set up the sound system?
Re: can anyone help my neighbour
"ie doing the vacuuming "
well i seen her GOBLIN behind the sofa.
well i seen her GOBLIN behind the sofa.
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beer monkey
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Re: JOKES (take 3 )
That reminds me not to forget to buy some peaches when i am in Tesco's later....thanks poolshark.
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wazza
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Re: JOKES (take 3 )
The Gay & The Abbo
>
> At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Port Headland sat a huge
> Abbo. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and
> obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
>
> After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words
> to the big abbo.
>
> Leaning over towards him, he whispered,
>
> "Do you want a blow job?"
>
> At this, the massive abbo leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the
> ---- out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded
> to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and
> battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
>
> Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the abbo, and
> said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
>
> "I don't know," the abbo replied. "Something about a job."
>
>
> At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Port Headland sat a huge
> Abbo. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and
> obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
>
> After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words
> to the big abbo.
>
> Leaning over towards him, he whispered,
>
> "Do you want a blow job?"
>
> At this, the massive abbo leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the
> ---- out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded
> to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and
> battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
>
> Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the abbo, and
> said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
>
> "I don't know," the abbo replied. "Something about a job."
>
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".