A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games

[UdonExpat]

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
>
> I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
> all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
> heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
>
> Dr. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
> the things you have started and have never finished.'
>
> So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
> finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
> bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package
> of Oreos, the remainder of an old Prozac prescription, the rest of the
> cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.. You have no idea
> how freaking good I feel right now.
>
> Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

[jackspratt]

ATT000011.gif (197.35 KiB) Viewed 2796 times

[Farang1]

Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail
forum (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being,
"Community Policing."


One of the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question,
"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to
continually harass people and get away with it?"


From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett,
obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied:


"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista,
we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are
on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where
we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments
that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any
given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and
available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly,
one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents. When you toss
in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people
from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is
responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.


Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a
cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a
second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not
an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in
and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to
help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.



The tools available to us are as follows:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us
to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating
his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and
give somebody some special harassment.


Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a
house." The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive.
They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or
no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them
out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light.
Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they
have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on
file.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a
police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like
a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them
for hours.

STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing
better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to
harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor
Vehicle Codes, etc...They all spell out all sorts of things for which you
can really mess with people. After you read the statute, you can just
drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these
listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to
steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not
allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It's a really
cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have
a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why?
Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets
safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.



Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger
wave." That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't
harass me." It's one of our favorites.

[Kevro]

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

"Well ... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... .tentatively said ....
"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

[lee]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Kevro]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!"

"Hun," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[UdonExpat]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts.

He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your breast and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning, she was running late and when she was on the bus, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

He leaned toward her, winked, and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[moley]

A flea goes to the travel agent and says im due a holiday and would like something a bit up market the travel agent gets out his books and says let me see... ah ha i have the very holiday a week in ringo starrs hair in new york. Fantastic says the flea and of he goes. The following morning the travel agent is surprised to see the flea what ever is wrong says the TA.Terrible exclaims the flea ringo still plays the drums all day long ive got a splitting headache youl have to find me something else mmm says the TA let me see oohhh how about Omar Sherrefs moustache in vagas. wow says the flea ive never been to vagas that 'l do for me and of he goes.Following day the fleas back TA what ever is wrong now Nightmare says the flea all omar does is gamble all night long and smoke them stinky charoute fags now ive got a chesty cough last chance find me something else Not to be beaten the TA inspects his books once more Ive got it he crys Bridget barrdous muff st tropas.The flea can hardly contain himself are you for real of he goes. Yep youve guessed it the flea is back idont believe it says the TA whats wrong now. Everthing was great says the flea bridget is lovely all day long she sun bathes naked iwas nestled in and happy... but this morning i wake up and im back in bloody omars moustache again...Sorry

[Pakawala]

Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, "Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from the truck..."

[Pakawala]

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill people live in poverty.

Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are, apparently, doing quite well for themselves.

[Pakawala]

Sex In The Dark...

There was a couple who had been married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of the act, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo.
She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard, she screamed at him, how could you have been lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eye and calmly says "I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids."

[Pakawala]

A different Christmas Story...

As a joke, my brother, Jay, used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and uses a French accent for no reason at all? (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends)

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.

Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight.

We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual 'holiday' small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.

Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to determine the cause of Louise's collapse.

We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

[UdonExpat]

Don't mess with kids -

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, Momma? You must have been a very very bad girl. Grandma's hairs are ALL
white!"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples.

[UdonExpat]

Wisconsin Man Dubbed World Champion Liar of 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009


BURLINGTON, Wis. — A quip that pokes fun at struggling banks has been named the top tall tale of 2009.

The Burlington Liars Club has bestowed its highest award for this line: "I just realized how bad the economy really is. I recently bought a new toaster oven and as a complimentary gift, I was given a bank." =D>

The line gives Larry Legro of Sun Prairie the dubious — but serious — distinction of being this year's World Champion Liar. The 58-year-old health inspector says he's ecstatic.

A judge says Legro's lie won because it was both clever and topical.

The Liars Club began in 1929 after local journalists fabricated a story about a lying contest.

A runner-up entrant says this year's bug season is so bad that even a photograph of a dog had ticks.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,581 ... latestnews

[Kevro]

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down
A road when they hear a voice call from behind a
Sand-dune. "One Australian soldier is better than ten
Taliban."


The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of
His best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle
Breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.


The voice then calls out, "One Australian is better than
A hundred Taliban soldiers." Furious, the Taliban
Commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
And instantly a huge gunfight commences. After
10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Australian voice calls out, "One Australian is better than
One thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander
Musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the
Dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire rings out
As a huge battle is fought. Then silence.






Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over
The dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's two of them."

[Astana]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farted.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's, he politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam.

How may we help you today?'


Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam.. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shvt when I tell you the price."

[farang]

"Lee" i did not start this jokes topic POPS did
please change the name of the topic from farang to pops
thanks

and please dont delete this post again, as its fcuking boring to have to type it again



thanks

[BobHelm]

"Lee" i did not start this jokes topic POPS did
please change the name of the topic from farang to pops
thanks

As this appears to have suddenly become an urgent matter (after what appears to be 4.5 years) I can only suggest that you PM, e-mail or telephone call Lee..

[farang]

"Lee" i did not start this jokes topic POPS did
please change the name of the topic from farang to pops
thanks

As this appears to have suddenly become an urgent matter (after what appears to be 4.5 years) I can only suggest that you PM, e-mail or telephone call Lee..

not so urgent Bob, i sent a pm and email last year !! still waiting for a reply, and for it to be changed.

guess graham is to busy ....

[lee]

Phil, I've deleted the first couple of posts so thethailife is now the OP. Hopefully you should be able to sleep better at night now.