Consolidated Joke Thread

[boes]

A NAUGHTY ONE FOR A GREY FRIDAY ...

An Aussie drover walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up....... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

[BigRick808]

Nice

[BigBubba]

[stattointhailand]

Bubba, you trying to upset Mash ...... you know he adores Serena

[downunder]

Off to the nearest Resort

[karonsteve]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
"Gee-whiz thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...

So, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again".

[karonsteve]

A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.

One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."

The elder nodded in agreement.

The official continued: "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?"

The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied:

"When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty kangaroo,
Plenty fish,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night having sex."

Then the elder leaned back and smiled: "Only whitefella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that."

[GT93]

A NAUGHTY ONE FOR A GREY FRIDAY ...

An Aussie drover walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up....... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

Very good boes. She'll be a bimbo from Toorak or Double Bay.

[BigBubba]

And now a few gems from Air Traffic Control

=========================

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles .."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

=========================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

=========================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

=========================

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

=========================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

=========================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

==========================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[BigRick808]

Off to the nearest Resort

Photoshop without a doubt. Otherwise that bike would be popping a wheelie, for sure.

[BigBubba]

[BigBubba]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over..

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome.

[maxeboy]

=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>

[Astana]

A beautiful young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair and can't understand it as she has has all the right curves in the right places, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The very next day she comes home to find her husband in bed giving it his all with a beautiful redhead who is writhing in pleasure from the thrusting she is receiving.

The young blond grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

[Dokya]

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Nathan."
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece
when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says …..

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman !
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion !
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari !
You get $2,000 a week allowance !
You take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents !!!!?"

[boes]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car ..

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car.

He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.

Today is Friday.

If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”

The old gentleman paused then said, “Thirty three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman; I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper.

Not sure if it's been posted before.....

[BigBubba]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week,
and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger,
but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions,you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

[boes]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees
a woman in the dark shadows.

'Thirty quid,' she whispers.

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty quid.


So they hid in the bushes.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It is the police.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.

'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding
annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'

[poolshark]

Ian Paisley always vowed he'd never change his colours,
But today he went from Orange to Blue pretty quickly.

[socksy]

Ian Paisley always vowed he'd never change his colours,
But today he went from Orange to Blue pretty quickly.

SICKO