Consolidated Joke Thread

[socksy]

We are blessed in Australia to have such an abundant wealth of talented story tellers through whom future generations can learn of their history and 21st century lifestyle.

Here is a classic example:
A Poem about Tomatoes

I know a young Muslim whose name is Jim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these fuckers do, because they're still in the tin.

The warmth and heart wrenching simplicity of Australian bush poetry can bring a tear to the eye.

[socksy]

This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after work.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."

[socksy]

Allah and 72 Virgins

A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold.
When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised.
Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.
So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?”

[Shado]

[stattointhailand]

FULL BODY SCANS


FULL BODY SCANS AT U.S. AIRPORTS:

CATSA disclosed the following

Airport Screening Results

December 2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :

Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians
had no balls.

[socksy]

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.

"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two f*cking ragheads."

[socksy]

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A Coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
the driver won £52!

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different..
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Don’t blame me: I’m just passing this on as a public service!

[poolshark]

poolshark wrote:Ian Paisley always vowed he'd never change his colours,
But today he went from Orange to Blue pretty quickly.

SICKO

replied Socksy.

It is just as well we Irish have a sense of humour and can laugh at Paddy jokes.

SICKO. WORKS BOTH WAYS.

[socksy]

poolshark wrote:Ian Paisley always vowed he'd never change his colours,
But today he went from Orange to Blue pretty quickly.

SICKO

replied Socksy.

It is just as well we Irish have a sense of humour and can laugh at Paddy jokes.

SICKO. WORKS BOTH WAYS.

About somebodys passing away?

[socksy]

One for the ladies


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Sunderland '
And they say blondes are dumb...
-------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

----------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'

[socksy]

http://d21c.com/terri1/caroline.swf

[socksy]

A drover, who just moved to Queensland from Victoria ,

Walks into a bar and orders three glasses of XXXX.

He sits in the back of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them,

He comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the drover,

"You know, a glass goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cattleman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.

One's in 'Tassie' , the other one's a 'sandgroper'.

When we all left our home in Echuca' ,

We promised that we'd drink this way

To remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers

And one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom,

And leaves it there.
The drover becomes a regular in the bar,

And always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round,

The bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,

But I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The drover looks quite puzzled for a moment,

Then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Salvation Army

And I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[socksy]

Can't remember if this has been posted in the past

On his deathbed.....

Doug Smith is on his deathbed, and knows the end is near. His nurse, wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
Thames."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says ,"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard working ma to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ..................



"The arsehole delivers newspapers!"

[socksy]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

"Ewww what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his trousers, his
bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked.

"They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...

Smallcox

[socksy]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is ... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

[macca46]

Since the snow came all my wife has done is look through the window I guess if it gets any worse I will have to let her in.

[macca46]

Paddy said to Mick "Christmas is on Friday this year" Mick said hope it is not 13th

[socksy]

Good News - Bad News !!!!!!!!!

The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary."

[socksy]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,

'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'

[msa]

Two priests go on vacation to Hawaii and they were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said, 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?,' she replied.

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'