Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by **747man** » December 18, 2015, 6:45 pm

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Post by **Lionheart** » December 19, 2015, 6:16 pm

A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
preacher....

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks,

'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again ---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found
Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher,

(Are you ready for this????)
=
=
=
=
=
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?
A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
preacher....

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks,

'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again ---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found
Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher,

(Are you ready for this????)
=
=
=
=
=
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?
A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
preacher....

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks,

'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again ---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found
Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher,

(Are you ready for this????)
=
=
=
=
=
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?

Post by **747man** » December 19, 2015, 6:21 pm

Jonathan Ross was arrested this morning for stealing kitchen utensils.

He said it was a whisk worth taking.

Post by **747man** » December 19, 2015, 6:28 pm

I made a vindaloo last night with horse meat.

It's no wonder I've got the trots today

Post by **747man** » December 20, 2015, 11:59 am

Three men went to Lake of Gennesaret and all claimed to be Jesus.
The crowd gathered around the men and soon agreed that a test was in order.
The first man gave it a try and started walking on the lake as it was solid ground.
Lots of hmm's, uhh's and ahh's
Then the second man walked out and also walked around on the surface.
More amazement among the crowd.
Finally the third man took his turn, but ended up falling right through.
Everyone cheered and shouted "That is Jesus ... he got holes in his feet"

Post by **747man** » December 20, 2015, 12:01 pm

Two guys are sitting in a bar and start talking. After getting to know each other one says:
"Whats your name friend?"
"Im Jesus Christ"

The man laughs and says "sure you are"
"No really Im Jesus Christ"

"Thats nonsense. Whats your real name"
"I'm Jesus Christ and I can prove it"

"Prove it? Thats nonsense."
"I'll bet you $100 Im Jesus Christ"

"OK, youre on. Prove it.:
Jesus stands up and says "Follow me"

They walk out the door and Jesus heads into a bar down the street.
The bartender yells "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"

Post by **747man** » December 20, 2015, 12:14 pm

One for You,Zids & Macca......

Post by **747man** » December 22, 2015, 7:32 pm

I've recently started putting my pubes into dread locks.

My cock is now called jerk Marley.

Post by **socksy** » December 23, 2015, 7:50 am

Christmas wishes, cheers and good will to all men (well maybe not all).

:-"

What's the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn't claim benefits, had his own f*****g bike and wanted to go home!
____________________________________________________

I was s**gging this Sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" . . .thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don't get offers like that every day.

How does every ethnic joke start? With a look over your shoulder.

____________________________________________________

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a Sheila called Penny – spooky or what?

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says.
If any of you are Paedophiles, you can f**k off down to HELL
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out.
"And take this deaf b****d with you".

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In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Answer: Throw in your washing....
We were all having a good laugh about this when this big b*****d tapped me on the shoulder and said.
"I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits".
I said. "Sorry mate. Did he drown"?
"No". he said. "He choked on a sock".

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The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse". Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

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My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison.

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The wife came out of the bathroom and said.
"I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you"?
I said. "Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again"!

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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted. "Where you off to Charlie"? He said.
"I'm off to change a light bulb".
Well, I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing.
I said. "That's gonna be a bit awkward innit"?
"Not really", He said.
"I still have the receipt, you insensitive b*****d".

Post by **socksy** » December 23, 2015, 8:55 am

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EEnqIhCe4Ww

Post by **socksy** » December 23, 2015, 9:00 am

TRUMP

Post by **747man** » December 23, 2015, 6:18 pm

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

Post by **bignote1** » December 24, 2015, 10:05 pm

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also gave her those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same..'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Post by **Lionheart** » December 25, 2015, 8:22 am

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,

'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please,please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God .....

I thought I had a crack in my
$300 Armani leather shoes...!

Post by **Lionheart** » December 25, 2015, 5:19 pm

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testings were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!'
The man said 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife'.

The agent said 'Then you are not the right man for this job'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife'.

The agent said 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, ' You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks, I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

Post by **socksy** » December 26, 2015, 1:53 pm

The minister’s wife was teaching at Sunday School and was speaking to her class one Sunday morning when she asked the question,

“When you die and go to heaven…which part of your body goes first?”

Suzie raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands miss.”
“Why do you think that Suzie?” asked the minister’s wife

Suzie replied, “Because when you are praying, you hold your hands together in front of you and god takes your hands first?”
“What a wonderful answer!” the minister’s wife said.

Little Jimmy raised his hand and said, “Miss, I think it would be your legs!”

The minister’s wife replied rather cautiously, “Tell me Jimmy, why do you think it is your legs?”

Jimmy continued,” Well, when I walked into my mum and dad’s bedroom last night, mum had her legs straight up in the air and I heard her say “Oh god, I’m coming !”.
“If Dad didn’t have her pinned down we would have lost her!”

Post by **Jsell50** » December 26, 2015, 11:39 pm

Have ye heard about the 2 Irish faggots? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael, They were Gaelic!!!
A lesbian couple and a gay couple decided to race across America. Who won??
The lesbians. They did 69 all the way.
The gays were still in NY packing their ----!

Post by **socksy** » December 27, 2015, 7:52 am

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling round and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes a note to her husband: "Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea.

He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis one hundred and twenty seven times.

Post by **socksy** » December 27, 2015, 8:00 am

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."

Post by **socksy** » December 27, 2015, 8:17 am

Ahmed's Barbados Honeymoon and more