Consolidated Joke Thread

[Lionheart]

During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential swearing-in ceremony,
Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has
already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the
words, ...he doesn't really understand what they mean."


"Oh, I know," replied Melania," neither does the parrot."

[747man]

.....Here Yer go Dezz !!

[747man]

[vidmaster]

Two long-time golf enthusiasts were discussing their scores over a beer in the clubhouse.
“I can’t understand it,” one said, disgusted. “I’ve been playing this darn game for 15 years now, and I get worse and worse every year. Do you know last year I played worse than the year before. And the year before that, the same thing.”
“That’s depressing,” commiserated the other. “How are you doing this year?”
“Put it this way,” the first guy said, “I’m already playing next year’s game!”

[karonsteve]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first concert in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice
"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts
"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass! You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing.....
"A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you................."

[kulsungkham]

A man is lying in bed in hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Lionheart]

*Stay Off Your Bicycle*

*My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy
and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. *

*Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. *

*At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." *

*Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." *

*The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." *

*Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.

If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." *

*The pharmacist said, "In that case you should stay off your bicycle for at least a week.

[vidmaster]

Misjudging its depth, Ron went wading into the lake to retrieve his badly sliced ball.
Very quickly he was floundering out of his depth, and as his tweed plus-fours became waterlogged, he found himself in real trouble.
“Help, I’m drowning!” he shouted to his partner.
“Don’t worry,” came the reply. “You won’t drown. You’ll never keep your head down long enough.”

[stattointhailand]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,”Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

[tinpeeba]

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for six double whiskeys. The barman looks shocked. "Six double whiskies, that's an awful lot for someone who's come in on his own!"
"But I've just had my first blow job" replies the man.
"In that case have another one on the house" says the barman.
"Thanks" says the man "but if six doesn't take the taste away I don't think seven will."

[Mex]

"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and
then go in, thinking, THIS is too good to be true.


The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"


There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In
no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not
stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."


The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish
their martinis, and order another round.


Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again
saying, "That's 40 cents, please."


They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.


Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as
good as these for a dime apiece?"


"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I
always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for
$125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime.
Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."


"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.


As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing
seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in
front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been
there.


Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
bartender, "What's with them?"


The bartender says, "They're retired people from Scotland, they're
waiting for Happy Hour when the drinks are half-price "

[747man]

Use your mobile phone & drive as of today you'll end up with more points on your licence than Liverpool FC got throughout February......SIX

[vidmaster]

Bill and Ralph stepped up to the first tee box.
Bill said, “Hey, guess what!? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!”
Ralph replied enthusiastically, “What a great trade!”
I bet there are a lot of farangs in Thailand would like to do it as well

[Lionheart]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to
Mike
Behind him, "My elbow hurts
like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that
kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco.
Just. Give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you
what's wrong and what to do
about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a
doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a
small jar and takes it to
Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and
asks
For the urine sample.... He
pours the sample into the slot and waits..
Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
and
Avoid heavy activity.. It will
improve in two weeks. Thank
You for shopping @
Costco.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new
technology
Was, Joe began wondering if the
computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine
Samples from his wife and
daughter, and a sperm sample from
Himself for good
measure.
Joe hurries
back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He
Deposits ten dollars, pours in
his concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the
following:

1. Your tap water is too
hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm..
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
Get her into rehab.
4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins.
They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with
yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @
Costco!

[Lionheart]

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh",said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Donald Trump’s clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."

[vidmaster]

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh",said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hilary Clinton’s clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a helicopter ."

[vidmaster]

Seriously
One Sunday, a typically happy weekend golfer came home from the course very late, and much the worse for the wear.
His wife greeted him at the door and questioned him. “Where the hell have you been and what have you been doing?”
The husband wobbled around and slurred, “I had a bad round, sort of lost everything. You better pack some bags, I even lost you.”
The wife screamed, “How could you do that?”
The man replied, “It wasn’t easy. I had to miss three one-foot putts in the last four holes.”

[747man]

I used to go out with the girl who voices the Sat Nav....

When she left me, I didn't know which way to turn...

[vidmaster]

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it,” the nun said.
“When did you use this awful language?” the Mother Superior asked.
“Well, I was golfing and hit this fabulous drive that looked like it was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground only 100 yards from the tee,” she explained.
“Is that when you cursed?”
“No, Mother Superior,” said the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
“Is that when you swore?” asked the Mother Superior.
“Well, no,” said the nun. “As the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed elder nun.
“No, not yet,” she said. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear then?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the fu!#&%ing! putt, didn’t you?”

[747man]