Consolidated Joke Thread

[tamada]

All Brits can have an extra portion of stuffin' this year instead

Please be precise. That's dry stuffing.

[vidmaster]

Well?

[Stantheman]

[stattointhailand]

Never has the sayin' "A dog is not just for xmas" been more true than this year ..........

You can have it cold on boxing day and make a stew from the bones at the weekend

[747man]

[dunroaming]

Never has the sayin' "A dog is not just for xmas" been more true than this year ..........

You can have it cold on boxing day and make a stew from the bones at the weekend

Actually a great sex position all year round why only for xmas

[AlexO]

Never has the sayin' "A dog is not just for xmas" been more true than this year ..........

You can have it cold on boxing day and make a stew from the bones at the weekend

Actually a great sex position all year round why only for xmas

Just watch his loving wife beat the ---- out of him when he comes home.

[dunroaming]

555 will need to get in line as you are first for cling her family s*** Thai translation meant she was lazy this I can confirm lol

[AlexO]

These are priceless!
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 8:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Which is your favorite one?

[tamada]

^ All damn good Alex but I particularly like:

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Reminds me of a lazy Sunday afternoon, sprawled on the sofa and idly flicking the TV remote when the then girlfriend asked if I was doing anything. "No," I said and realizing as soon as those words escaped my lips that I was being lined up as driver and tag-along for the much postponed mall trip. So I quickly added, "But don't you worry, I'm sure I'll find something."

[stattointhailand]

^ All damn good Alex but I particularly like:

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Reminds me of a lazy Sunday afternoon, sprawled on the sofa and idly flicking the TV remote when the then girlfriend asked if I was doing anything. "No," I said and realizing as soon as Has to be number 17 doesn't it? those words escaped my lips that I was being lined up as driver and tag-along for the much postponed mall trip. So I quickly added, "But don't you worry, I'm sure I'll find something."

[WimH]

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

[stattointhailand]

And Jesus was born in a manger , between the sandwiches and Cappuccino's ....... for this was a pret a manger

Did Jesus save ?

let's check the VAR

If you would like to donate to the popes Christmas charity appeal you can use the church's own payment system .... PAYPAL

[Drunk Monkey]

You should be banned from posting on the the joke thread Statts .. hey heres a NY resolution for you ..

I WILL NOT POST ON THE UM JOKE THREAD EVER AGAIN ..


DM

[stattointhailand]

They weren't accepting jokes for the xmas crackers this year due to lack of sales so I thought i'd put them here instead

[AlexO]

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

Sad thing is, that I cannot remember when I started doing them, just seems to have happened

[vidmaster]

Keep posting stattoland don’t give in to the ###### DM
AS IN ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE”IF HE DOESNT LIKE IT DONT LOOK”
GET A LIFE,EASY PEASY

[tamada]

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

Sad thing is, that I cannot remember when I started doing them, just seems to have happened

Used to blame it on my dog.

Then my dog up and died...

[Drunk Monkey]

Keep posting stattoland don’t give in to the ###### DM
AS IN ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE”IF HE DOESNT LIKE IT DONT LOOK”
GET A LIFE,EASY PEASY

get a life you Idiot

I have known Statts for many many years .. im sure he realized i was joking even if you didnt .. the same way he rips me about the footy and all else ..

DM

[Drunk Monkey]

Keep posting stattoland don’t give in to the ###### DM
AS IN ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE”IF HE DOESNT LIKE IT DONT LOOK”
GET A LIFE,EASY PEASY

get a life you Idiot

I have known Statts for many many years .. im sure he realized i was joking even if you didnt .. the same way he rips me about the footy and all else ..

DM

Hey Vidiot .. you obviously missed Statts reply ..