Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand in town to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s opposite Morrisons and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and toffee's then asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’

[Drunk Monkey]

Thanks Alan ..another early morning belter .. again manifested my first chuckle of the day circa 6am.

DM

[747man]

Thanks Alan ..another early morning belter .. again manifested my first chuckle of the day circa 6am.

DM

Told Yer I'm Good, Given the Chance !!

[Drunk Monkey]

Thanks Alan ..another early morning belter .. again manifested my first chuckle of the day circa 6am.

DM

Told Yer I'm Good, Given the Chance !!

steady on i wouldnt go that far ... i am warming to you ON THE JOKE THREAD , so much so im going out to buy some lilac attire !!

[747man]

Thanks Alan ..another early morning belter .. again manifested my first chuckle of the day circa 6am.

DM

Told Yer I'm Good, Given the Chance !!

steady on i wouldnt go that far ... i am warming to you ON THE JOKE THREAD , so much so im going out to buy some lilac attire !!

But............Lilac Will NOT Suit You,Try B-L-A-C-K !!

[stattointhailand]

Do try to keep up DM, that jokes been on here so many times its faded from lilac so much its almost white

[Mjkt]

[bluejets]

Surefire Aussie bogan response to new Covid outbreak........sh*** 'emselves again

[stattointhailand]

[vidmaster]

Got it!

[Earnest]

Got it!

Got what?

[trekkertony]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

[jackspratt]

Some clever puns here.



> How does an attorney sleep? First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side. *************

> I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work. **************
> How do you make holy water? You take some regular water & boil the hell out of it. ***************
> Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. ***************
> What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. **************
> Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favourite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.” **************
> Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve. ***************
> I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any. ***************
> What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe. ***************
> I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case. ***************
> When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. ***************
> A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils. ***************
> She had a photographic memory but never developed it. ***************
> Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care. **************
> I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind. ***************
> Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin. ***************
> My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve. ***************
> The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize. ***************
> I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!” ***************
> Need an ark? I Noah guy. ***************
> I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure. ***************
> Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed. ***************
> What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine. **************

[Mjkt]

[747man]

“Been drinking sir?” The policeman asked.
“I had one earlier, that was it “I replied.
“I think you’ve had more than 1 sir, Would you step out of the van please.”
“Why”I asked
“Because the postman pat ride isn’t really designed for adults & there are kids waiting for there go

[vidmaster]

Boris latest checklist

[747man]

More often than not, a massage will turn into sex.

Which is why I'm no longer the physio at Doncaster Belles ladies soccer...

[Stantheman]

[747man]

Used with Permission from another website....

Jurgen Klopp dies and turns up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven wearing his Liverpool full kit, where he finds God waiting to great him.
God smiles and bids him welcome, "Come Jurgen, let me take you on a tour."
He shows Klopp a small two bedroom house with an old, faded Liverpool banner hanging from the front porch. Sounds of ‘You'll Never Walk Alone’ can be heard coming from the open windows. "This is your house, Jurgen. Most people don't get their own house up here, but we all thought that you deserved one." God says to him.
Klopp looks at the house, looks at the tired Liver bird banner and smiles at the tune he loves.
Then he turns around and looks at the big house sitting at the top of the hill. It's a huge three-story mansion with white marble columns and a large blue swimming pool out front. Everton flags line both sides of the wide porch and a huge Everton banner hangs between the marble columns. He can hear the sounds of Z cars music coming from the open windows.
Klopp turns to God and says: "Thanks for the house, God. I really appreciate it. But let me guess, that's Frank lampards house, is it?
God looks at him seriously for a moment, then he pat's him lightly on the shoulder and with a smile he replies: "That's not Franks house up there - that's where I live."

[747man]