Bush's resignation speech:
Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans."
Not
doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who
more
than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has
happened,
and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer. I'll cut right
to
the chase here: I quit.
Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid
impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you:
There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
The reason I'm quitting is simple.
I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding
of
what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this
once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy
to
do your homework and figure it out. Let's start local. You've been sold
a
bill of goods by politicians and the news media.
Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank.
And
that's despite record numbers of homeowners, including record numbers of
MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point
out
that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our
unemployment
rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton Administration. I've
mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.
Despite the shock to our economy of
9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans
than ever are participating in these markets.
Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are
too
damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's
increased
demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy
idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than
your
economic security. We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this
blood for oil" thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already
seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell.
And
don't give me this 'Bush Lied; People Died' crap either. If I were the
liar
you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted
in
Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact
that
the intelligence was fau lty.
Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the
goods,
same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was
official
US policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton'
established
that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you? You idiots need to
understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there
were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We
won
that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to
survive, just as we do. We were simply able to outspend and out-tech
them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care
if
they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as
they
weren't also c ommitted to taking as many of you with them as they can.
But
they are. They want to kill you. And the s are all over the globe.
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in
the
United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because
you've
got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law
enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of
that.
When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and
difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long
and
difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor. Instead, you've
grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long
lens of
history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few
months, a few years, tops. Making matters worse, you actively support
those
who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time
you
send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well,
dammit, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist.
It
amounts to the same thing. In this day and age, it's easy enough to find
the
truth. It's al l over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the
New
York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any
smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always
be
there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's
below sea level and has a hurricane approaching. I could say more about
your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the
money
comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it
would
sail right over your heads So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've
got
an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the
capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford
before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one
will
ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age
before
the last pillars of Americ a fall. Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting
too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch
what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that
there
are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing
around in 2008.
So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what
I
mean. The rest of you, kiss off.
