Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Gotta love this one!
A Man United fan and a Liverpool fan go into Greggs.
The Liverpool fan whisks three pies into his pocket with lightning speed. The shopkeeper doesn't notice.
He says to the United fan , “You see how clever we are? You Mancs can never beat that!"
The United fan says to the Scouser , “Watch this”
He says to the shopkeeper, "Gimme three pies and I'll show ya a magic trick!"
The bloke gives him the pies which the United fan promptly eats.
Now the shopkeeper is really spitting tacks and he yells, "OK... And now where is your famous magic trick?"
The United fan says.... "Now look in the Liverpool Fans pocket!"....
A Man United fan and a Liverpool fan go into Greggs.
The Liverpool fan whisks three pies into his pocket with lightning speed. The shopkeeper doesn't notice.
He says to the United fan , “You see how clever we are? You Mancs can never beat that!"
The United fan says to the Scouser , “Watch this”
He says to the shopkeeper, "Gimme three pies and I'll show ya a magic trick!"
The bloke gives him the pies which the United fan promptly eats.
Now the shopkeeper is really spitting tacks and he yells, "OK... And now where is your famous magic trick?"
The United fan says.... "Now look in the Liverpool Fans pocket!"....
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times."
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times."
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Rastus and Liza have been married for over 3 years and have been trying for a baby, but, alas, without success, so Rastus says to Liza, ”Honey chile, , yo must have sometin’ wrong wit you girl, so you better go and see de doc and find out what it is” Liza agrees and goes off to the doctors. Later that day she returns and says, ‘Rastus, ah been to see de doc and he reckons dere is nuttin wrong wid me, so it must be you. So next morning, Rastus leaves to go to the doctors. Hours go by and Liza is getting worried about his whereabouts, when Rastus arrives home. He is dressed in Top Hat, Tails, spats, bow tie and carrying a silver topped cane. Liza is gobsmacked and says, “Rastus, why is yo wearing dese high class duds?” Rastus replies,”Well, ah went to see de doc like yo done tole me honey chile an dat doc, he tells me ah is impotent and everybody knows dat when you is impotent, you got to DRESS like you is impotent!”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Bill, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day" replied Bill.
"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
Bill replied: "Wrong room."
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day" replied Bill.
"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
Bill replied: "Wrong room."
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A Quickie from Chubby Brown
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A Primary Teacher in Liverpool explains to her class that she is an Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, " Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan, " she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, " Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of? "
"I am a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied..
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, please explain why you are you a Man Utd fan?"
" Because my mum is a Manc
and my dad is a Man Utd fan so I'm a Man Utd fan too! ''
" Well ", said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, " that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? "
Mary smiled... " I'd be a Liverpool fan Miss
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, " Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan, " she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, " Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of? "
"I am a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied..
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, please explain why you are you a Man Utd fan?"
" Because my mum is a Manc
and my dad is a Man Utd fan so I'm a Man Utd fan too! ''
" Well ", said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, " that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? "
Mary smiled... " I'd be a Liverpool fan Miss
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful and how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer feking' candle.
she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful and how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer feking' candle.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
That's MY Pizza
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Another Quick one from Chubby Brown......
- Drunk Monkey
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
One of my fav chubby jokes from the past747man wrote: ↑February 21, 2023, 2:31 pmThat's MY Pizza ".....https://youtube.com/shorts/HDPbqpwTILI?feature=share
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Well, Here's ANOTHER One You might like....Drunk Monkey wrote: ↑February 22, 2023, 4:55 pmOne of my fav chubby jokes from the past747man wrote: ↑February 21, 2023, 2:31 pmThat's MY Pizza ".....https://youtube.com/shorts/HDPbqpwTILI?feature=share
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Another one of Chubby Brown's.....
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A Woman bought a new £100,000 Jaguar car and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home.
Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station.
Unimpressed, she immediately turned around and headed back to the Dealer.
Once at the Dealership, she found her Salesman and began, rather excitedly, to explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it immediately, since she only had one radio station.
The Salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to speak aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "Country Music," and the radio changed to a station playing a Dolly Parton song.
She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "Rock 'n' Roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers.
Quite pleased, the Woman continued driving.
A few streets from her house, another Driver shot through a red light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision.
The woman angrily shouted, " Bum Wipe"(actually some other word but not allowed )
The radio immediately tuned into a speech by Kier Starmer.
Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station.
Unimpressed, she immediately turned around and headed back to the Dealer.
Once at the Dealership, she found her Salesman and began, rather excitedly, to explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it immediately, since she only had one radio station.
The Salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to speak aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "Country Music," and the radio changed to a station playing a Dolly Parton song.
She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "Rock 'n' Roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers.
Quite pleased, the Woman continued driving.
A few streets from her house, another Driver shot through a red light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision.
The woman angrily shouted, " Bum Wipe"(actually some other word but not allowed )
The radio immediately tuned into a speech by Kier Starmer.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Best being part of this forum by placing the intellectual challenged on foes list. A lot less post to read and a great time saver.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A Bit More from Chubby.......
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
An old Australian farmer is walking along a riverbank out in the bush. It’s hot, 40C, when just up ahead of him, he spies a bunch of people standing on the riverbank. Out in the middle of the river, there’s a geezer with a long white beard and a flowing white robe. On seeing the farmers approach, this guy shouts out, ”Hi brother, come and join me in the river, the water is lovely and cool” The farmer thinks, ”Why not, I could do with cooling off a bit” and wades into the river to where the guy is standing. Just as he gets there, the guy with the robe grabs him by the shoulders and shoves his head under water. After a few seconds, he lets him surface and says to him, ”Have you found Jesus brother?” The farmer replies, “No mate” at that, the guy grabs him again, sticking his head under water, and after about a minute, allows him to re-surface. He says, ”Have you found Jesus, brother?” Farmer replies, ”I told you before, NO mate” At that, the guy with the robe grabs him again and shoves his head under water. This time he keeps him under for about 2 minutes. When he brings him back to the surface, coughing and spluttering, he says to the farmer, ”Have you found Jesus THIS time brother?” The old farmer replies, “No mate, are you sure this is where he fell in?”