Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

[tinpeeba]

I've been working really hard on my spelling lately.

My teacher says I'm nearly their.

[747man]

I've been working really hard on my spelling lately.

My teacher says I'm nearly their.

NOT Quite though, SACK The Teacher !!

[747man]

[msa]

I've been working really hard on my spelling lately.

My teacher says I'm nearly their.

NOT Quite though, SACK The Teacher !!

Then how is he going to get help with the grammar?

[tinpeeba]

Just finished a book "101 Mating Positions" and I was very disappointed.

Turned out to be a book about chess.

[trekkertony]

his was written by a cricketer's wife.


New Zealand's greatest all-rounder, the late Martin Crowe's wife, Lorraine Downes, a former Miss Universe, wrote this in 2023, on the 7th anniversary of his death, on March 3, 2023.



Apparently, he had a great sense of humour and to be a wife of a cricketer, you must have an even greater sense of humour and understanding.



So here it goes -



Come all ye fair young maidens, harken unto me!



Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea,



Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.

First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last,



My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.

Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;



He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!

Watch out for the off-spinner girls, another awkward chap.



If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!

Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength;



He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.



Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!



He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.

The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.



When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes..

And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;



When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.

Then there's the real stonewaller. Girls! he knows what he's about;



And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out!

We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,



He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.

So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:



Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And watch the wicketkeeper. Girls! he's full of flair and dash;



And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.

If you take the field with the capt'n, you had better know the score;



Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before!

The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,



He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.

Even the kindly umpire, who looks as friendly as a pup;



You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!


So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:



NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!!

[jackspratt]

Hmm.....

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/bbc- ... -6c2jbx8hz

[tamada]

[747man]

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started & hadn't finished, then I finished off a bottle of Vodka, a botle of Baileys a bodle of wum, a pock of Prungles, a 1/2 chesecke an a bocs a choclezt. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feeel now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fel ar in ned ov innr piss....

[747man]

Jacks in Japan on business. The night before a golf game with his Japanese business partner, he decides to go to a brothel. While on the job, the girl screams, “SUNG WA! SUNG WA!” He thinks this must mean “very good! very good!" so hammers on, all proud! The next day playing golf, the Japanese businessman sinks a long putt. Paddy wanting to impress, yells “SUNG WA! SUNG WA!” the Japanese man turns around and replies, “What do you mean... wrong hole?

[tamada]

Jacks in Japan on business. The night before a golf game with his Japanese business partner, he decides to go to a brothel. While on the job, the girl screams, “SUNG WA! SUNG WA!” He thinks this must mean “very good! very good!" so hammers on, all proud! The next day playing golf, the Japanese businessman sinks a long putt. Paddy wanting to impress, yells “SUNG WA! SUNG WA!” the Japanese man turns around and replies, “What do you mean... wrong hole?

So how does Paddy know what to yell when it was Jack doing the shagging the night before?

Pa-the-tic

[747man]

Aussie man and his wife had just got married and had found a quiet hotel for they're wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon so we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
He reflected on this for a moment and said,
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

[tinpeeba]

How do you console an English teacher?

There, their, they're.

[747man]

Jacks in Japan on business. The night before a golf game with his Japanese business partner, he decides to go to a brothel. While on the job, the girl screams, “SUNG WA! SUNG WA!” He thinks this must mean “very good! very good!" so hammers on, all proud! The next day playing golf, the Japanese businessman sinks a long putt. Paddy wanting to impress, yells “SUNG WA! SUNG WA!” the Japanese man turns around and replies, “What do you mean... wrong hole?

So how does Paddy know what to yell when it was Jack doing the shagging the night before?

Pa-the-tic

]Pa-the-tic......I KNOW You are......Say NO More your'e a Scot !!!

[Drunk Monkey]

Aussie man and his wife had just got married and had found a quiet hotel for they're wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon so we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
He reflected on this for a moment and said,
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

Excellent standard as ever 747.. ..

if reincarnation does happen you should come back as a comedian Alan......oh hang on a minute upon reflection scrub that.

DM

[747man]

....

[tinpeeba]

I recently joined a nudist colony.

The first few days were the hardest.

[747man]

Boooooooooommmmmm !!

[747man]

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
... She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.
I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted!!..........