Dear Friends
As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past year.
I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat ---- in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs.
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate. And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a food sample and rob me.. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,Singapore and Uzbekistan. I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
I can't even pick up the five bucks I found dropped in the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg. If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will ---- on your head and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a most unsightly hairy hump.
I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber - and it was on Good Morning Australia.
By the way.... did you know that a South American scientist has,after a lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Happy Christmas and regards,
Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED!
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
.............................And then the fight started.
========================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
.............................And then the fight started.
========================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
.. ..........................And then the fight started....
========================================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the count er ask ed me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
.........................And then the fight started..
========================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
..........................And then the fight started...
========================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
.......................... ..And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
.............................And then the fight started.
========================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
.............................And then the fight started.
========================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
.. ..........................And then the fight started....
========================================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the count er ask ed me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
.........................And then the fight started..
========================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
..........................And then the fight started...
========================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
.......................... ..And then the fight started...
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
anger management
This worked for me and thought you might want to try it.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you DON'T know!
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*** ing
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole !" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or
had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole !"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling
would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and
hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow
ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen."
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to
my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He screamed, "Stop calling me!"
I said, "Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch
house, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole No. 2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole."
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well , asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34
Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to
kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd.
in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in
time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management works.
This worked for me and thought you might want to try it.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you DON'T know!
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*** ing
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole !" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or
had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole !"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling
would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and
hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow
ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen."
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to
my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He screamed, "Stop calling me!"
I said, "Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch
house, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole No. 2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole."
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well , asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34
Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to
kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd.
in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in
time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management works.
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
Paddy & Mick are walking through the jungle,when they notice a guys torso sticking out of a Crocodiles mouth,Mick turns to Paddy and says " Look at that posh **** in his Lacoste sleeping bag......
-
Irish Alan
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 3610
- Joined: April 1, 2007, 7:22 am
- Location: ขอนแก่น
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
A medical professor was lecturing his 1st year students about involuntary muscle contractions. To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students, 'For example, do you know what your arsehole does while you are having an orgasm?' She replies 'Hes at Goodison watching Everton'.
____________________________________________________________________
A man walks into a pub were they have a robot serving behind the bar, he orders a pint & whilst the robot is pouring it he asks the punter what his IQ is.
The man replies 147 & the robot starts chatting about the difficulties in the American sub prime mortgage market causing a credit crunch over here in the UK.
The guy is amazed by the robot decides to visit the pub a week later, again as the robot is pouring his pint he asks the guy what his IQ is.
This time the guy says 94 & the robot starts chatting about who'll get the England Job and about that bloke who reappeared for 5 years after faking a canoe accident.
Again the bloke is amazed by the robot & visits the pub the following week, usual script the robot asks him what his IQ is
This time the man replies 57 to see how the robot reacts
The robot starts chatting in a real slow & deliberate voice and says.....
"So how do you think Moyes is doing this season?"
_____________________________________________________________________
There was this 22-year old secretary girl from Merseyside was vacationing in Tampa. However, as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair of jugs. Suddenly, she spied a murky old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative amusement, picked it up. Poof! Out emerged a genie, complete with flowing oriental robes who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired. "Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the whole, wide world", she moaned. Poof!! Poof!! Immediately there emerged before her eyes, Phil Neville and Louis Saha!
_____________________________________________________________________
EVERTON SOUVENIR SHOP
EVERTON TABLE CLOTHS - Suitable for any occasion, but tend to slip down the table after a short while £10.00
EVERTON VIDEOS - All the highlights from the last 20years.
This 10-minute video includes many re runs and is a must for all the fans. £ 9.99
EVERTON BANNERS -Complete with interchangeable slogans e.g.
LEE OUT, ROYLE OUT, WATSON OUT, KENDALL OUT, SMITH OUT, MOYES OUT, LET ME OUT etc £15.00
EVERTON BRA -One for the ladies in team colours, comes with little support and no cups. £5.00
OUR LITTLE HERO KEYRING -Complete with a model of Bob Latchford (our little hero) attached £0.50
EVERTON JOKE BOOK -A must for all fans this 1000 page book is full of the best jokes ever told about the club. £25.00
EVERTON CONDOMS -Come in all sizes from little hero to Big Dunc. Ideal for all the pricks in the Bullens road £0.75 for lifetime supply
EVERTON TANKARD -Comes in many styles the most popular being the Kendall model which comes full to the brim with beer £19.99
KEEPER's GLOVE - A must for fans at the back of the stands or near the corner flags to catch any shots our lads may have at goal. £8.99
LEAGUE DIRECTORY - An item for more discerning fans. This quality publication gives directions to the Nation-wide League Stadiums. £25.00
EVERTON MINTS -Helps to take away the bitter taste of defeat. £0.20
EVERTON LIPSTICK -Ideal for kissing goodbye -to the premier league (as worn by our players) £0.99 each
BARGAIN BASEMENT Our annual clearance sale of players (some shop soiled) most come free of charge to a good home. They make ideal garden gnomes and door stops.
_________________________________________________________________
A burglary was recently committed at Everton’s ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a blue carpet
Q: How many Everton fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
____________________________________________________________________
A man walks into a pub were they have a robot serving behind the bar, he orders a pint & whilst the robot is pouring it he asks the punter what his IQ is.
The man replies 147 & the robot starts chatting about the difficulties in the American sub prime mortgage market causing a credit crunch over here in the UK.
The guy is amazed by the robot decides to visit the pub a week later, again as the robot is pouring his pint he asks the guy what his IQ is.
This time the guy says 94 & the robot starts chatting about who'll get the England Job and about that bloke who reappeared for 5 years after faking a canoe accident.
Again the bloke is amazed by the robot & visits the pub the following week, usual script the robot asks him what his IQ is
This time the man replies 57 to see how the robot reacts
The robot starts chatting in a real slow & deliberate voice and says.....
"So how do you think Moyes is doing this season?"
_____________________________________________________________________
There was this 22-year old secretary girl from Merseyside was vacationing in Tampa. However, as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair of jugs. Suddenly, she spied a murky old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative amusement, picked it up. Poof! Out emerged a genie, complete with flowing oriental robes who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired. "Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the whole, wide world", she moaned. Poof!! Poof!! Immediately there emerged before her eyes, Phil Neville and Louis Saha!
_____________________________________________________________________
EVERTON SOUVENIR SHOP
EVERTON TABLE CLOTHS - Suitable for any occasion, but tend to slip down the table after a short while £10.00
EVERTON VIDEOS - All the highlights from the last 20years.
This 10-minute video includes many re runs and is a must for all the fans. £ 9.99
EVERTON BANNERS -Complete with interchangeable slogans e.g.
LEE OUT, ROYLE OUT, WATSON OUT, KENDALL OUT, SMITH OUT, MOYES OUT, LET ME OUT etc £15.00
EVERTON BRA -One for the ladies in team colours, comes with little support and no cups. £5.00
OUR LITTLE HERO KEYRING -Complete with a model of Bob Latchford (our little hero) attached £0.50
EVERTON JOKE BOOK -A must for all fans this 1000 page book is full of the best jokes ever told about the club. £25.00
EVERTON CONDOMS -Come in all sizes from little hero to Big Dunc. Ideal for all the pricks in the Bullens road £0.75 for lifetime supply
EVERTON TANKARD -Comes in many styles the most popular being the Kendall model which comes full to the brim with beer £19.99
KEEPER's GLOVE - A must for fans at the back of the stands or near the corner flags to catch any shots our lads may have at goal. £8.99
LEAGUE DIRECTORY - An item for more discerning fans. This quality publication gives directions to the Nation-wide League Stadiums. £25.00
EVERTON MINTS -Helps to take away the bitter taste of defeat. £0.20
EVERTON LIPSTICK -Ideal for kissing goodbye -to the premier league (as worn by our players) £0.99 each
BARGAIN BASEMENT Our annual clearance sale of players (some shop soiled) most come free of charge to a good home. They make ideal garden gnomes and door stops.
_________________________________________________________________
A burglary was recently committed at Everton’s ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a blue carpet
Q: How many Everton fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to
the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
Candles.
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.
However one he went, in his obnoxious way "You purchase a lot of biscuits,
what do you do with all the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box
of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with
all the foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick."
the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to
the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
Candles.
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.
However one he went, in his obnoxious way "You purchase a lot of biscuits,
what do you do with all the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box
of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with
all the foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick."
-
Pakawala
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1315
- Joined: August 3, 2006, 9:29 pm
- Location: A golf course when not at home.
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too !'
'What a coincidence,' he said,'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence,' says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I switched cocks'
She smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!'
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too !'
'What a coincidence,' he said,'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence,' says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I switched cocks'
She smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!'
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.
The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.' They are very much like the French."
The interview ended at that point.
The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.' They are very much like the French."
The interview ended at that point.
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realised that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, he quickly realised that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank God for mobile phones!).
'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
Have a great 2009!!!!!!!
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realised that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, he quickly realised that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank God for mobile phones!).
'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
Have a great 2009!!!!!!!
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.
The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.
As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.
"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?"
"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long'."
Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title. Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing.
"You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you call that one?"
"Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler'." The bartender held his tongue -- the guy was certainly good, despite the outrageous song titles.
Then, he rose, excused himself and shuffled off to use the restroom.
While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said, "Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours."
Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered, "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out for all the world to see?"
"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I wrote it!"
The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.
As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.
"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?"
"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long'."
Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title. Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing.
"You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you call that one?"
"Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler'." The bartender held his tongue -- the guy was certainly good, despite the outrageous song titles.
Then, he rose, excused himself and shuffled off to use the restroom.
While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said, "Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours."
Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered, "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out for all the world to see?"
"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I wrote it!"
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
A bloke marries a deaf girl, and on the honeymoon he says to her "we have to
have some sort of code.
When I want sex, I will kiss your cheek and stroke your left breast.
You will reply by tugging on my willie once for yes................ and 150
times for no"..
have some sort of code.
When I want sex, I will kiss your cheek and stroke your left breast.
You will reply by tugging on my willie once for yes................ and 150
times for no"..
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
When to start cussing
> A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know
>
> what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started
>
> cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old
>
> continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say
>
> something with hell and you say something with ass..' The 4 year old
>
> agrees with enthusiasm.
>
>
> When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old
>
> what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll
>
> have some Cheerios.'
>
>
> WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
>
> gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
>
> pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
>
> room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
>
> She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
>
> I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'
> A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know
>
> what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started
>
> cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old
>
> continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say
>
> something with hell and you say something with ass..' The 4 year old
>
> agrees with enthusiasm.
>
>
> When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old
>
> what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll
>
> have some Cheerios.'
>
>
> WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
>
> gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
>
> pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
>
> room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
>
> She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
>
> I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'
-
Pakawala
- udonmap.com
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Re: JOKES (take 3 )
A man and a woman (unknown to each other) are on the overnight train on a cross-country trip and get placed in the same sleeper cabin. He takes the upper berth and a half hour after they go to bed he says, "Excuse me but it's rather cold in here, would you mind getting me another blanket from the cabinet?"
She replies, "I have a better idea, why don't we just pretend we are married?"
He thinks about this for 1/2 a second and blurts out, "OK"!
She then says, "Get your own fu*kin blanket."
He's silent for a couple minutes and then lets go with a long, loud fart.
She replies, "I have a better idea, why don't we just pretend we are married?"
He thinks about this for 1/2 a second and blurts out, "OK"!
She then says, "Get your own fu*kin blanket."
He's silent for a couple minutes and then lets go with a long, loud fart.
-
beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
A Sick Joke
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies,.. "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies,.. "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
The Bride & Her Sister
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me and that was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally
was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got
more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near
anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and
desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make
love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs
at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future
family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “we are very happy
that you have passed our little test...we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to our familyâ€
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car...
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me and that was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally
was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got
more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near
anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and
desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make
love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs
at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future
family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “we are very happy
that you have passed our little test...we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to our familyâ€
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car...
-
beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick...
Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.
Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
1000 scousers were asked if they thought britain should change its currency 99% said no they were happy with the giro..stokiebaz.. 
-
Irish Alan
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 3610
- Joined: April 1, 2007, 7:22 am
- Location: ขอนแก่น
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
Hangover of the year 2008.
And the winner is..........
And the winner is..........
-
Irish Alan
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 3610
- Joined: April 1, 2007, 7:22 am
- Location: ขอนแก่น
Re: JOKES (take 3 )
You have to know when you are too old for a g-string.
Or too fat...
My diet starts tomorrow...
Study shows Pattaya girls reported to be getting a bit overweight...
Excuse me miss... Does your car have twin airbags?
Or too fat...
My diet starts tomorrow...
Study shows Pattaya girls reported to be getting a bit overweight...
Excuse me miss... Does your car have twin airbags?