Consolidated Joke Thread

[Irish Alan]

Don't you just hate it when someone steals your Kodak moment:

[Irish Alan]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'


The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me........I've quit drinking!'

[Irish Alan]

Idiot Number One of 2008
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Two of 2008
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Three of 2008
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrest ed a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Four of 2008
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using ra dar and photographe d his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ But you still get a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Five of 2008
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused a nd said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2008
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2008
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store win dow was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight of 2008
I live in a semi-rural area ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...and they VOTE!!!

[beer monkey]

Peter invites his Mum for tea, she notices his flatmate Joe is very handsome and slightly camp.

Although she suspected Peter of being gay, he denies anything is going on and says that they are only flat mates.

A week later Joe says to Peter, "ever since your mum came to tea iIcant find the frying pan"

Peter emails his mum and says "Dear mum, im not saying you DID take the frying pan and im not saying you DID NOT take the frying pan, but its been missing ever since you been for tea"

His mum replies "Dear son, I'm not saying you DO sleep with Joe and I'm not saying you DO NOT sleep with Joe, but if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the F**individual frying pan by now!..... Love Mum"

[Irish Alan]

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian
gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite
bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a
spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to
the point where he led her back to his apartment
and, after some small talk, they retired to his
bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a
pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So,
you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling
resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and
there were screams of passion. The sex finally
ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You
finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile,
cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this
woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet
again. Using the last of his strength, he barely
managed it, but they ended together screaming,
bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely
able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes,
smiled proudly and asked again, You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered
in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'

[beer monkey]

What gets longer when pulled.............?

Fits between your tits...........?

Inserts neatly in a hole............?

Works best when jerked.............?



























A seatbelt

[rufus]

This is priceless!

A Moslem has died and has arrived in ........... (Heaven).
He is very excited as, all his life, he has longed to meet the Prophet
Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a
beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up' as he points him to a
ladder
that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbed the ladder
in great strides he meets another bearded man.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher up still'
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever
higher.
Once again, he meets a man with a beard, and repeats his question: 'Are
you
Mohammed?'
'No, I am Jesus. Mohammed is higher still'
Exhausted but with heart full of joy 'Mohammed higher than Jesus!!!', he
continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps, as he is by now totally out of breath from
all
his climbing.
'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a Coffee?
'Oh, yes please, my Lord'
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: 'Mohammed, two
coffees...'

[BKKSTAN]

rufus ,we have a jokes column,but it might not save you from a fatwa!Remember the cartoons about Mohammad?

[BobHelm]

Ah Stan what caused the issue with the cartoon was that it displayed an image (picture) of Mohammed - something (creating an image) which is strictly forbidden in the Muslim Faith.
However, that being said, some members of any religion do appear to be completely humourless
p.s. I have moved it to the "Jokes" thread...

[beer monkey]

A man walks into a bar and see's a prostitute, he goes over to her and says "Ive had a rough day, how much for a handjob?"

"£500" replies the prozzy

"F**k thats alot, are you any good?" ...asks the man
So the hooker points to a Ferrari 430 and says... "My handjobs are so good, i payed for that with the money i make from handjobs"
"deal"... says the man and he gets the handjob

The next day he goes up to her again and asks for a Blowy.
"£1200" quotes the proz
"F**k you must be good at those then" asks the man

"Oh yeah see that house" says the women, pointing to a 4 bedroom house on Mayfair

"I paid for that on the money I earn from blowy's"

"Deal" says the man who goes and gets sucked off

The next night his wife leaves him and he is so mad he wants to shag the prozzy.

"See that?".... says the hooker as she points to a Hotel

"Don't tell me, your so good at shags you bought that hotel with the money you made" says the man

"No, but i would if I had a fanny"

[BKKSTAN]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






MY LIVING WILL

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch

[beer monkey]

ATTENTION:
This Is for all men who suffer from premature ejaculation, there will be an anonymous meeting at a Bar In Town tomorrow...
Be sure to come early..!

[tamada]

A recent survey on sexual matters discovered that 84% of Liverpudlians claimed to have regular sex in the shower. To confirm this, the magazine that commissioned the survey sent a reporter to Liverpool to investigate. He reported back that yes, it was a fact that 84% of scousers did have sex in the shower. The remainder just hadn't been in jail yet.

[tamada]

"Hey mum! Have you seen my pills anywhere? They're in a bottle marked 'LSD'".
"Bugger your pills son, what about those fluorescent dragons in the bloody kitchen?!"

[beer monkey]

A dyslexic bank robber bursts into a bank points a gun and yells ...
"Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a f*ck up!"

[Irish Alan]

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said , 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped ou t of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That' s pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on m y best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

[beer monkey]

Scientists have revealed today, that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians, its called: TRYDIXAGAIN.

[UdonExpat]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering
my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository
......it's up to you!"

[UdonExpat]

Judge to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'

[beer monkey]

Did you hear about the man who shared a meal with a prostitute...?

He gave her his peas and she gave him herpes. .