Consolidated Joke Thread

[socksy]

Elton John and David's baby.

They had their sperm mixed together after each of them knocked one out ,(or knocked one out of each other's) and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these crying babies, and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse".

[BobHelm]

Clinton - it appears to small to read perhaps a moderator could enlarge please

Sorry Socks it can't be altered by me from here.
If you have a web address for it then if you PM me with it I could try from there...

[socksy]

PM sent as requested Bob thanks.

[boes]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the #@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

[broon97]

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky.

[socksy]

: Mon, 16 Nov 2015 08:42:45 +0000
>
> George
> wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The
> doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've
> regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't
> remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.
> You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and
> everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident,
> and we couldn't find it." George groans, but the
> doctor goes on, "You have £9,000 in insurance
> compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build
> a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap.
> It's roughly £1,000 an inch." So, the doctor says,
> "You must decide how many inches you want. But
> understand that you have been married for over thirty years,
> and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If
> you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now, she
> might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and
> you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be
> disappointed. It's important that she is involved in
> helping you make a decision." George agrees to
> talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next
> day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
> "Yes, I have," says George. "And has she
> helped you make a decision?" "Yes", says
> George. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
> "We're getting granite worktops for the
> kitchen."

[socksy]

The video is quite graphic in places but Obama's comments are a joke

https://www.youtube.com/embed/4ISTbT-R9hs

[Barney]

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.”
Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”
Manager "That’s Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down,


'I don't know.’

You put down, 'Neither do I.’ "

[socksy]

Fighting terrorism

[socksy]

A blonde lady was driving down a highway when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

“Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. “ But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

[boes]

A little boy comes down to breakfast.

Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?

Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " he asks.

Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, " You gonna tell him or should I ?

[socksy]

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course..
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, " Private property Stay Out! "
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.
The man says, "What is that for?"

The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every ***** should have two balls."

[socksy]

"Why I'm divorced." Written by a woman.....

....This morning I went downstairs for breakfast ​hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday'. I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss, Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my ​door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.

Let's go!' We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband , my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'

And I just sat there....on the couch....naked - so that's why I'm divorced!

[Lionheart]

I say, I say, I say.


Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Blow that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe
that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

I was opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and
realised she was just on standby.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the
bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head
with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service

[Lionheart]

"Why I'm divorced." Written by a woman. Enjoy....

....at morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband
would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a
small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday'. I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss, Rick, said, 'Good
morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little
better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said,
'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what
do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He
chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'It's such a beautiful
day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came
out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband , my
kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'

And I just sat there....on the couch....naked.
- so that's why I'm divorced!

[socksy]

Keep up at the back Lionheart! I posted that one on 25th November.

[socksy]

BBQ'd Burglar.

A timely reminder for Santa.

FRESNO: -- A suspected burglar who attempted to enter a California home through the chimney died on Saturday after the homeowner lit a fire without realizing the intruder was inside, police said.

The man appeared to have climbed into the chimney during the night while the owner was away and then became stuck, according to the Fresno County Sheriff's Office.

The owner of the home in Huron lit a fire in his fireplace on Saturday afternoon but then heard a man yelling inside the chimney as the house filled with smoke, the sheriff's office said in a statement.

[socksy]

Three men - a Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The Scotsman pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang.

The Englishman lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive so he stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of 'Toilet paper' hanging from his arse.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains :-"

[Lionheart]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said: "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way"

The doctor told him: "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel bedroom, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She said: "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ....."Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!"

[Lionheart]

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.

Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

‘Bi’ Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’


‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’