> In the light of recent police
> announcements that they no longer
> consider it necessary to attend the scene of domestic burglaries, I
> have taken down the Welsh Dragon flag from
> beside the house and peeled
> the burglar alarm sticker off the front door. We've disconnected our
> home alarm system and quit our
> Neighbourhood Watch.
> I've bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front
> garden, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in
> the centre.
Now the local police, CID, MI5, SAS and other UK Counter Terrorism
agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
We've never felt safer and we're saving £24.95 a month.
Consolidated Joke Thread
-
FLICKFLACKER404
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 389
- Joined: December 20, 2014, 10:42 am
Consolidated Joke Thread
I See you at it Again..................You PLANK !!!!FLICKFLACKER404 wrote:
-
FLICKFLACKER404
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 389
- Joined: December 20, 2014, 10:42 am
Consolidated Joke Thread
Consolidated Joke Thread
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
We'll have a new one." :-"
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
We'll have a new one." :-"
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
An older couple are planning their wedding, and before the big day they have a long conversation about how their marriage might work.
They discuss the usual things like finances, living arrangements and so on.
After some hesitation, the old man broaches the subject of sex. "How do you feel about sex?" he asks hopefully.
"Well, I have to admit, at my age I like it infrequently." she replies.
The old man is silent for a moment and then asks,
"Sorry, was that one word or two?"
They discuss the usual things like finances, living arrangements and so on.
After some hesitation, the old man broaches the subject of sex. "How do you feel about sex?" he asks hopefully.
"Well, I have to admit, at my age I like it infrequently." she replies.
The old man is silent for a moment and then asks,
"Sorry, was that one word or two?"
Consolidated Joke Thread
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
----------------------- ------------ --------------
And saving the best 'til last ...
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, and strips off and says says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
----------------------- ------------ --------------
And saving the best 'til last ...
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, and strips off and says says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
Consolidated Joke Thread
-Male Logic ......Flawless
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No.
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No.
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
Consolidated Joke Thread
I said to my doctor “I’ve got Irish voices coming out of my tummy.” He said, “You’ve got a stomach Ulster.”
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me
Consolidated Joke Thread
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked miserable, I thought to myself, ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’
Consolidated Joke Thread
I tried to start up a chicken dating agency but failed, it was a struggle to make hens meet
Consolidated Joke Thread
I went into a chemist’s shop and said ‘Have you got anything for laryngitis?’. And the chemist said ‘Good morning sir. What can I do for you?’
Consolidated Joke Thread
The definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.'
Consolidated Joke Thread
If you hold a coconut shell up to your ear you will hear the sound of a one legged horse standing very still
Consolidated Joke Thread
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
Consolidated Joke Thread
I could barely lift my bottle of water earlier, it was an Evian
Consolidated Joke Thread
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly
Consolidated Joke Thread
This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?
Consolidated Joke Thread
PSYCHIATRIST VS. BARTENDER
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".
How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00.
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!"
FORGET THE SHRINKS, HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO A BARTENDER! ITS ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".
How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00.
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!"
FORGET THE SHRINKS, HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO A BARTENDER! ITS ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!
Consolidated Joke Thread
A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spread sheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
AND THAT Friends IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spread sheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
AND THAT Friends IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU