Consolidated Joke Thread

[socksy]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order
'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

[socksy]

> Bob's Story
> Bob, a young journalism graduate from Arkansas,
> had gone to work for the
> New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief
> human interest
> story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the
> most remote areas
> he knew of in his home state of
> Arkansas.Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmer's
> house and decided this would
> be a good place to start.He introduced himself to the back country
> farmer and explained why he was
> there. The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his
> questions.Bob asked farmer Dick what event in his life
> had made him the happiest?Farmer Dick replied, "One time a neighbor
> lost one of his sheep. We all
> formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it,
> we took it back
> to the farmer that lost
> it.""I can't print that," said Bob
> the reporter, "Is there another event that
> made you really happy?"Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said,
> "Yep. One time the daughter of
> another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin'
> young girl.
> We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex
> with her, we
> took her back to her
> daddy."Again Bob knew he couldn't print the story
> and decided to take a different
> tack. He asked Farmer Dick, "Is there any event in your
> life that has made
> you really sad?"Farmer Dick hung his head and replied,
> "Well, yeah. I got lost once".

[socksy]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either.”

"Do you have a partner then?”
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." …

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black”

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.”

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.”

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?”

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.”

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.”

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Well thank ---- for that !”
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

[socksy]

The Valentine's Heart - Science and History Lesson

We were all brought up thinking that the heart that you see for Valentine's day is similar to the Human Heart Organ. That cannot be farther from the truth. Heart Organs are oblong and have a bunch of nasty looking arteries and ventricles coming out of them. The attached photo shows clearly the true origin of the Valentine heart.
I hope you learned something today.

[@Thesportsbar]

And they Breed.......

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on
Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way...
"Who's your baby's Daddy?


#11 takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up. #5 is awesome


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was
fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of
the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the
same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with
a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please
send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives
a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door
panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and
see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception
was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that
to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you
and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the
same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with
him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was
also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have a clue..

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in
the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going
to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained
unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after
all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made
you fart. (This made number #1).

WHEN THE WEALTH IS REDISTRIBUTED THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE MAJOR RECIPIENTS

[Lionheart]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel.
Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

[Lionheart]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .
HE paid for your Packer season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do"?The cabby replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches cold".

[Lionheart]

British humor---politically incorrect


Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over 1 million worth of improvements
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
============================================
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
=============================================
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crime Watch is being shown 5 times a week now.
=============================================
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
=============================================
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
=============================================
An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

[socksy]

Bloody hell lionheart you must have had to shift some dust to unearth these one's.

[runrunshaw]

Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder?
1. All the DNA matches.
2. There are no dental records.

[Lionheart]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting....

"Dopey f**ked a penguin! Dopey f**ked a penguin!!..

[Lionheart]

Subject: Climbing Rose

Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to misconstrue......

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said…..



"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."

[Lionheart]

The
Centipede


A single guy
decided life would be more fun
if he had a
pet.


So he went to
the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet.

After some
discussion,
he finally bought a talking
centipede,
(100-legged bug),
which came in a little
white box
to use for his house.


He took the
box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and
decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to
church with him.


So he asked
the centipede in the
box,



"Would you
like to go
to church with me today?
We will have a good
time."


But there was no
answer from his
new pet.

this bothered
him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked
again,
"How about
going
to church with me
and receive
blessings?"


But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and
pet. So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about
the situation.


The guy
decided
to invite the centipede
one last
time.


this time
he put his face up against
the centipede's house and
shouted,




"Hey, in
there!
Would you like to
go to
church
with me
and learn
about God?"


This
time,
a little
voice
came out of
the box ,


"I heard you
the first time!
I'm putting my
shoes on!"

[socksy]

I was invited to a Muslim wedding yesterday.
To be honest, the reception was not much different from a regular bash, except there was no alcohol, with children running riot and sliding across the dance floor on their knees.
All of a sudden, Mohamed got up and gave a young girl of about ten, who was rolling about the floor, a smack, and told her to behave, and to go and sit down.
"That was a bit harsh" I said, "In Britain we expect children to be a bit lively at a wedding reception"
"Maybe so," he growled, "However, in Islam we expect a bit more decorum from the bride!"

[socksy]

Love this one. Just click on the image to enlarge.

[DuiDui]

What you do when your dog is humping your leg?

Pick it up and give the dog a blowjob.

Have a good Sunday all,and Welcome to Nok's Restaurant at Nongsamrong.Road.

[socksy]

*"YA KNOW, WHEN I WAS 25 AND GOT A HARD-ON, I COULDN'T BEND IT WITH BOTH
> > HANDS.*
> >
> > *BY THE TIME I WAS 50, I COULD BEND IT ABOUT 10 DEGREES IF I TRIED REAL
> > HARD.*
> >
> > *BY THE TIME I WAS 60, I COULD BEND IT 20 DEGREES, NO PROBLEM.*
> >
> > *I'M GONNA BE 70 NEXT WEEK, AND I CAN BEND IT IN HALF WITH JUST ONE HAND."*
> >
> > *"SO, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?"*
> >
> > *"WELL, I'M JUST WONDERING, HOW MUCH STRONGER AM I GONNA GET?*

[socksy]

What a job! Who does the QC?

[socksy]

USA election

[skinner]

Look at the girl behind "Maria", shes stroking that thing with real affection !!

I wonder if the girls get staff discount ??