Consolidated Joke Thread

[Lionheart]

John told his wife, "I've got a problem."
She stopped him right there. "No dear, WE have a problem. We're in
this together John.
We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our problem."
John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning."
But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John’', tell me. What's wrong?"
John answered, "Somehow, we got your sister pregnent

[Lionheart]

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "oh big boy,whip me,whip me!"


Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand but, in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so because, in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

Don't blame me, I'm just passing it on.........

[Lionheart]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mummy', the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'.
'OK', the little girl says, 'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?'
'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'.
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's licence. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'
'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because on your driving licence it says you got an "F" in ***'

[stattointhailand]

HeadLights.jpg (25.02 KiB) Viewed 3061 times

[NotNigglyB]

I went for a meal in a Chinese restaurant & this duck came up to me with a red rose & said "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for AROMATIC duck".

[NotNigglyB]

The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow

[NotNigglyB]

I went up into the attic earlier & found a Stradivarius & a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter & Rembrandt made lousy violins

[NotNigglyB]

Mrs NNB & I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night.
Well she did, I stayed in the car & kept the engine running

[NigglyPomps]

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"

The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."

The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."

The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happend, and his friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

[stattointhailand]

[Lionheart]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[Lionheart]

Subject: Darwin Awards 2016...


YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THEM WITH BAITED BREATH, SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE ARE THE 2016 DARWIN AWARDS:

EIGHTH PLACE

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

SEVENTH PLACE

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

SIXTH PLACE

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

FIFTH PLACE

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

FOURTH PLACE

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. THIRD PLACE

THIRD PLACE

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously sur viv ed his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham' foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... '---- HAPPENS'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL!

[Udon Map]

Subject: Darwin Awards 2016....

Well, sort of. http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/darwin06.asp

[Lionheart]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[stattointhailand]

You said cutting down all the trees would just cause a bit of global warming, and that won't hurt anyone .......

[trekkertony]

A first time mother to be was seeing her treating physician and was 2 months into her pregnancy when she asked the Dr. when would the baby move, his reply, "probably at the end of high school".

[boes]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day.. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.

Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness mister, 5 loaves... don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

[Mex]

A farmer once owned a beautiful, prize winning mare. people would come from miles around just to gaze on her. But her most stunning feature was her long flowing, soft as silk mane. Every day the farmer would lovingly tend to her mane, washing it, brushing it, and treating it with various lathers, oils, and ointments.
One day, as he was preparing to tend to that luxurious main, he found, to his horror, a bird's nest neatly and carefully situated in that prize winning mane.
He immediately tore it out, and thinking that was the end of it, tended to the gorgeous mane.
But the next day the nest had returned. Again, and for several days he tore out the nest, but it would always appear the next morning.
He tried everything to stop it, but to no avail. Repellants, sprays, poisons, barbed wire, nothing seemed to work. In desperation he tried unconventional things. Mustard, mayonnaise, onion paste, toothpaste, milk, butter, and more. Nothing seemed to work.
One day he tried fresh yeast. He rubbed the soft paste into the mane and went home trying to figure out what he would try next. But the next morning, much to his surprise, the mane was nestless. He kept rubbing that fresh yeast into the mane every day, and the nest never returned.
The moral of this story: Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet.

[kulsungkham]

I guys sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chilli.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl."

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.

When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something.

He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too."

[boes]

Today marks 6 months without drinking a drop of coca cola, or any kinds of soda or alcohol! 6 months without eating bread, cake or anything sweet. The change in my body has been fantastic, I feel great, I lost weight and my way of thinking is very positive... I'm looking to keep this up and go for more. Because I care!... no alcohol, eating healthy and above all, an hour of exercise every day!!!



I don't know who's status this is, but it said to copy and paste.