Consolidated Joke Thread

[WizzWanger67]

So Stephen hawkings reckons that the earth may have only about 1000 years of life left, where are the Rolling Stones going to do their final comeback tour?

[WizzWanger67]

After a severe earthquake in Dublin, Ireland.
Rescuers were searching the rubble of a collapsed city centre hotel, when they heard a faint Irish voice shout "Help! ******* help me!"
The rescuers shouted "Where are you?"
Paddy shouts "I'm in room 236."

[WizzWanger67]

When I was young we were very poor and I sometimes had to wear my sister's old clothes to school. Turned up in the same dress as my teacher one day. Don't know who was more embarrassed, him or me.

[WizzWanger67]

When my sons wake up Christmas morning they will be faced with everything they could ever dream of.
I've got them an Argos catalogue.

[WizzWanger67]

Americans make me laugh. They think the Moon landing is fake and Wrestling is real.

[WizzWanger67]

My Mum ran off with the milkman when I was eight years old. Watching them drive away on his float were the worst three hours of my life.

[WizzWanger67]

A message to the bloke in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket.
You can hide, but you can't run

[boes]

After my wife died of a heart attack I didn't want to settle down again straight away. I wanted to have some fun first. So I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with.
Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed. They thought I should have called an ambulance first

[boes]

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his winkie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started to ring .!!:)

[boes]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'. The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!' Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she SHITS
on you

[Liam Dale]

My lawyer asked me how I would like ongoing communication with my ex wife..
I said preferably through a spiritualist..

[Lionheart]

In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. This is a perfect example of this teaching: Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' Of course child. What can I do for you?'

I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?' 'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question you.'

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead,

[Mex]

I have decided to start a song writing career..my first effort is entitled "Udon Lament"

Oh give me a home,

Where my buffalo roam,

Where the snakes and the geckos can play,

Where never is heard,

A plain English word

Except "Thee Rakk..you must please pay!"

I will try and do the second verse next week.

[LoongLee]

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital:

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Furious film fan and part time Plus-Size-Model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

"It was a big job in more ways than one." he told us "I'd just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurion's helmet. It's delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston's whip, and a hissing sound, more of a whoosh than a rasp, and before I know what's happening, there's a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire."

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

"To be honest", said Jason, "I didn't even realise she was wearing one. You'd need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I'd have been none the wiser."

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

"I'm furious" said Jason, "I've got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don't know about Ben Hur, “ Gone With The Wind" is more like it. You don't just let rip in someone's face like that. It's dangerous."

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
"I'm still in agony," she said, "and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn't have had a fag on the go and there's no way I'd guff on purpose. He'd had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I'd have done the same for Jason, but I didn't get chance, it just crept out."

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn't surprised when we told him what had happened. "People just don't appreciate the dangers." he told us, "We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan "Flame an' fart, keep 'em apart". Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.......

[747man]

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital:

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Furious film fan and part time Plus-Size-Model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

"It was a big job in more ways than one." he told us "I'd just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurion's helmet. It's delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston's whip, and a hissing sound, more of a whoosh than a rasp, and before I know what's happening, there's a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire."

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

"To be honest", said Jason, "I didn't even realise she was wearing one. You'd need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I'd have been none the wiser."

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

"I'm furious" said Jason, "I've got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don't know about Ben Hur, “ Gone With The Wind" is more like it. You don't just let rip in someone's face like that. It's dangerous."

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
"I'm still in agony," she said, "and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn't have had a fag on the go and there's no way I'd guff on purpose. He'd had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I'd have done the same for Jason, but I didn't get chance, it just crept out."

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn't surprised when we told him what had happened. "People just don't appreciate the dangers." he told us, "We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan "Flame an' fart, keep 'em apart". Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.......

My God....I Cannot STOP Laughing...

[stattointhailand]

Big question is Will Tracey be back selling pies at this weekends matches

[747man]

Big question is Will Tracey be back selling pies at this weekends matches

She Does Alternate Weekends Statts..............This Weekend It's Scunthorpe.......

[boes]

Hmm.. I went into a restaurant and sat down. The waiter came over with a spoon in his top pocket and a string down the front of his body like a tie. He lifted the menu with the spoon and handed it to me. I gave him my order, he came back holding the plates and bread with the spoon. I asked him "Why are you lifting everything up with your spoon?" He said "Sir, we are the most hygienic restaurant in the country, we never use our hands at all". I said "Ok but why do you have a string hanging down your chest?" He said "When I go to the bathroom I lift it up with the string to pee so that I don't touch it with my hand". I said "That's amazing, but how do you put it back in" . He replied "I use the spoon

[Nigglyb]

I went for a meal in a Chinese restaurant & this duck came up to me with a red rose & said "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for AROMATIC duck

[goodison]

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained.
The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits in the cannon.