Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "You do now."

[747man]

[TAXIfor7/11]

E V E R T O N

[747man]

[747man]

An Israeli tourist hails a taxi in New York

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bull*hit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.

[747man]

If women are so perfect at multi-tasking, how come they can’t have a headache and s*x at the same time?

[747man]

Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that of we didn’t have electricity we’d be watching television by candle light?

[747man]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

[747man]

Mick and Paddy were on a plane.

Halfway through the flight, Mick said, 'If this plane were to turn upside down, do you think we'd fall out?'

Paddy replies, 'Not at all, we'd still be mates'.

[747man]

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his
boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip,
the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it
opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God!
Please help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the
atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the
clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes
ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

[747man]

Thought I would share with you what happened this morning.............................
Good deed done for the day - in the queue at Tesco express this morning there was a little old lady in front of me, she had £27 of shopping but her card got declined!
I was feeling generous, especially at this time of year...........
after all, that is someones gran................
so I helped her put it all back on the shelves...
every little helps

[747man]

[stattointhailand]

[Nigglyb]

​A recent survey discovered that a woman's, "I'll be ready in five minutes", and a man's, "I'll be home in five minutes", are exactly the same

[stattointhailand]

​A recent survey discovered that a woman's, "I'll be ready in five minutes", and a man's, "I'll be home in five minutes", are exactly the same

Pretty similar to the man's I'll be back in 5 mins when he's going to fix the new blond neighbours pussy cat flap or the woman's I'll be back in 5 mins when she's at the hairdressers or out shopping with your daughter.

[bluejets]

On a trip down to Bangkok a few years back, we decided to go for dinner at a street restaurant.
As it was a Friday night, getting a taxi was almost impossible, even on the main roads.
I had asked how far this restaurant was to which my wife had said " not far".
So I suggested we walk, which we had done before BUT all this did was get me a funny look and a stern "Noooo".
So my wife called her brother to pick us up.

I was amazed that we caught most of the traffic lights and those where we had to stop were only short periods.
Still, we drove, and drove, and drove.
It was almost an hour driving when we finally arrived. I said this is NOT "not far". this is in the next city.
I think her brother got it as he had a bit of a laugh.

On arriving back at my wife's home town, I pointed to the lake at the end of the road.
I said " see the lake? THAT is NOT FAR".

To this day when ever I mention it, I still get that vacant look.

[Faraday]

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

[747man]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.

"The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[747man]

[747man]

A PRAYER FOR GRANDPA......................


Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa’s computer. Amen