Consolidated Joke Thread

[vidmaster]

Can’t argue with that

[747man]

[sometimewoodworker]

DfwidKyX4AMLdwi.jpg

A very poor photoshop job

[stattointhailand]

Things your unlikely to hear at the world cup



And here comes the Scottish team

So its official , England are out, and we can go back to identifying people with flags in their windows as racist.

So Sterling has taken a dive ...... that it for the financial news and back to the football

So Mexico have beaten Germany and Saudi Arabia have beaten ............ a woman for wearing shorts

Thats a shocking miss by Jesus ......... they are going to crucify him for that

So its Panama's first time at the tournament .......... but they have been doing FIFA's accounts

Well lets have a look at the Swedish bench ........... Twelve Ninety Nine from IKEA

And he's nipped round the back and banged in an absolute screamer .......... This really is the best leaked sex tape in the history of the World Cup

[747man]

DfwidKyX4AMLdwi.jpg

A very poor photoshop job

Why ?? Explain Please !!

[vidmaster]

A coach full of nuns crashed and they all died. Queuing up to get into heaven, they're all chattering away.
St Peter calls out to them and says "I'm going to ask you all the same question, if you're truthful, you can be cleansed of your sins and enter Heaven".

The first nun steps up. St Peter says "Have you ever touched a penis". Looking a little sheepish, she replies "well, yes. But only with my finger tip." "OK" says St Peter, "Dip your finger tip in this bowl of holy water and you will be cleansed of all your sins". She does so, and enters Heaven.

Next up, a slightly bolder nun is asked the same question and replies "yes, but only with the palm of my hand". Again, she is asked to dip her palm and is cleansed of her sons to enter the afterlife.

As the third nun is about to step forward, a very breathless nun runs up and overtakes her from the back of the queue. St Peter asks "What is it sister, why have you cut in front?"

She replies "If I have to gargle with that water, please can I do it before sister Mary shoves her arse in it?"

[747man]

My wife has left me due to my obsession with becoming a policeman. For the benefit of the tape, the wife has just walked out of the door with all of the kids. Marriage terminated at 20:48...

[747man]

[dezzer111]

DgI3gy7X0AEQBtN.jpg

Your is your's or mine, you're is you are or i am.
See i'm not dupid

[vidmaster]

Talking of English languag, why is the word abbreviation so long?????

[747man]

Talk about coincidence;

BBC NEWS: "Three Cliff Walkers have fallen to their death on an expedition"

Can't believe they all had the same name...

[747man]

DgI3gy7X0AEQBtN.jpg

Your is your's or mine, you're is you are or i am.
See i'm not dupid

But You're from Bloody Bootle...... :-" :-"

[747man]

Good deed done today, at Aldi check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £51.60 but when she counted out her change she had just under £50. She didn’t want me to help her bless her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

[vidmaster]

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little buggar on your knee."

[747man]

[747man]

It's OUR Year........AGAIN " Eh Dezz ??

[747man]

A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Thames. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Woolwich Ferry."

[747man]

The Japanese have done it again they have developed a camera with an amazing shutter speed. The shutter is so fast it can capture a photo of a woman with her mouth shut

[747man]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

And Congratulations you have learnt German within minutes...```

[747man]

So the other night this woman in her early fifties kept trying to pull me in a nightclub. She was hot but drunk, kept asking me back to her place. I mean 50 ain't bad for the figure she had. So after the 6th refusal she made a call on her mobile and when she hung up she said to me. "OK loverboy, I just phoned home and you're in for a treat, how do you fancy some dirty mother and daughter sex?"

Well ---- me, I didn't care if she was 60, if her daughter looked half as good as her I'm in. So I was dragging her to a taxi in seconds. We got to her house and walked into the hallway. She put the landing light on. And then I heard her shout up the stairs " Mum? You still up?"