Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at a table with a tiny man playing a tiny piano.
“Hey, where’d you get that?” The man asks.
The sitting man pulls a lamp from his pocket and tells him to rub it and wish for anything he wants. “Be sure to speak slowly and clearly,” The man warns.
After a second to think, the guy rubs the lamps and a genie pops out. The man screams at the genie in excitement, “I want a million bucks!”
Suddenly, Poof, a million birds appear in the bar. “I said I wanted a million BUCKS, not DUCKS!”
The man sitting at the table takes a sip from his drink and says, “I told you to speak clearly. Do you really think I asked for a ten-inch pianist?”
“Hey, where’d you get that?” The man asks.
The sitting man pulls a lamp from his pocket and tells him to rub it and wish for anything he wants. “Be sure to speak slowly and clearly,” The man warns.
After a second to think, the guy rubs the lamps and a genie pops out. The man screams at the genie in excitement, “I want a million bucks!”
Suddenly, Poof, a million birds appear in the bar. “I said I wanted a million BUCKS, not DUCKS!”
The man sitting at the table takes a sip from his drink and says, “I told you to speak clearly. Do you really think I asked for a ten-inch pianist?”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
An elderly Italian man went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
“Father … During World War II a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that!”
“There is more to tell, Father… she started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”
The priest said, “By doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. However, I do have one more question.”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
“When should I tell her the war is over?”
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
“Father … During World War II a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that!”
“There is more to tell, Father… she started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”
The priest said, “By doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. However, I do have one more question.”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
“When should I tell her the war is over?”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
BREAKING NEWS !!!!
The French government have announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro-Disney. The decision comes a day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside Paris, caused soldiers at the nearby French army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
The French government have announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro-Disney. The decision comes a day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside Paris, caused soldiers at the nearby French army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Brother went to a new doctor for his annual checkup.
Doctor asked "how often do you drink alcohol?"
Brother replied "once or twice a year."
Doctor asked " and when did you migrate to Australia?"
(true story)
Doctor asked "how often do you drink alcohol?"
Brother replied "once or twice a year."
Doctor asked " and when did you migrate to Australia?"
(true story)
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A husband, admiring his naked body in the mirror, says to his wife, "Look at that, fourteen stone of pure dynamite!"
His wife replies, "****** shame about the two inch fuse!"
His wife replies, "****** shame about the two inch fuse!"
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Police officer jumps into his car and calls the station to say he has an interest case
A wife has just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she has just mopped
The station sergeant asks if the officer has arrested her yet The officer says no because the floor is still wet
🧐
A wife has just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she has just mopped
The station sergeant asks if the officer has arrested her yet The officer says no because the floor is still wet
🧐Re: Consolidated Jokes
Four-year old Johnny was curious about her mother’s grey hairs. One day, he asked
her, “Mommy, why is some of your hair turning grey?”
The mother seized the opportunity to give him a life lesson. She replied, “You see, Johnny, every time a baby does something naughty, one of Mommy’s hair strand turns to grey.”
Johnny replied, “So that’s why grandmother has a head full of grey hair.”
her, “Mommy, why is some of your hair turning grey?”
The mother seized the opportunity to give him a life lesson. She replied, “You see, Johnny, every time a baby does something naughty, one of Mommy’s hair strand turns to grey.”
Johnny replied, “So that’s why grandmother has a head full of grey hair.”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!””What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.”What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!””What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?””I used a different rooster,” he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”
“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.”What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!””What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?””I used a different rooster,” he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
BREAKING NEWS
Police in Liverpool today pulled over a scouser and were amazed to find the car taxed tested and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober.
He had a full licence and no points.
A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.
Police in Liverpool today pulled over a scouser and were amazed to find the car taxed tested and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober.
He had a full licence and no points.
A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A man falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets badly sunburned thighs and shins
fortunately the life guard spots him and calls an ambulance and he is taken to hospital after being examined the doctor prescribes cream’s,painkillers and Viagra
The nurse appointed to look after him looks puzzled and asks the doctor why he prescribed Viagra
The doctor said it will help keep the sheets off his legs
fortunately the life guard spots him and calls an ambulance and he is taken to hospital after being examined the doctor prescribes cream’s,painkillers and Viagra
The nurse appointed to look after him looks puzzled and asks the doctor why he prescribed Viagra
The doctor said it will help keep the sheets off his legs
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Ha ! Ha ! That's Funny................NOT !!AlexO wrote: ↑November 17, 2018, 8:45 amBREAKING NEWS
Police in Liverpool today pulled over a scouser and were amazed to find the car taxed tested and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober.
He had a full licence and no points.
A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.
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dunroaming
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Re: Consolidated Jokes
Don't worry 747man obviously fake news! No way they found nothing wrong lol
Re: Consolidated Jokes
What is the difference between love and marriage
Love is blind and
marriage is an eye open
Love is blind and
marriage is an eye open