Consolidated Joke Thread

[vidmaster]

Recipe for the perfect marriage (the husbands viewpoint)

Twice a week we can go to a lovely restaurant for a nice romantic meal.
I go on Tuesdays and the wife goes on Thursdays🧐

We also sleep in separate beds
Mine is in Norfolk and the wife’s is in Devon

I asked my wife where she would like to go for her birthday
She said she would like to go somewhere that she has not been for a very long time
So I took her to the kitchen

My wife has lots of electric gadgets , breadmaker, toaster blender but she is always complaining that there is no where to sit in the kitchen
So I bought her an electric chair

Last week she bought a mud pack and look great for three days,until the mud fell off🧐

Don’t forget marriage is the number one cause of divorce

I definitely married Miss Right but the problem was and I didn’t know her first name was Always🧐

Last fight we had was definitely my fault
The wife asked what was on TV and I said dust

[747man]

As Christmas approaches, spare a thought for that fat fella in red who puts a shift in once a year.

Merry Christmas, Romelu Lukaku.

[747man]

[747man]

My next door neighbour knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee

Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then winked at me and asked to come in for a cup of coffee, I said “Fu*k off Dave “

[747man]

[747man]

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”

She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, “What?” The man repeats his gestures, mouthing “EYE KNEE – THE RAKE.”



The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, “What in the heck was that?”

She replies, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”

[747man]

A lawyer wanted to locate a young woman who had fallen heir to a large fortune. The police were called in to assist in the search. The case was placed in the hands of a young and clever detective. Several weeks passed by without any information and the lawyer was beginning to feel concerned over the matter, when the young detective appeared on the scene. He smilingly informed the lawyer he had located the heiress.

“Where is she?” asked the lawyer.

“At my place”, replied the detective, “we were married yesterday!”

[AlexO]

I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car. A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, i've had it all my life. It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear. And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device. For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught. So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed. It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the fecker off.

[747man]

[747man]

[stattointhailand]

Why dont orphans play baseball ?

Coz none of them know where "HOME" is

[747man]

A white guy woke up in a cell with an asian man and a black man. None of them had any idea what was going on. All of a sudden a mysterious man appears in front of them and says, “If all of your d*ck lengths combined can reach exactly 1 foot, I’ll let you all go. If not, I’ll kill you all”



All 3 men pulled down their pants and put their dicks together, the white guy had 4 inches, the black guy had 6 inches and the Asian guy had 2 inches.

The man then let them go. As they were leaving the cell, the white guy said: “You guys are lucky I’m white.”

The black said: “No way! You guys are lucky I’m black!”

And then the Asian guy yelled: “You guys are lucky I had a boner!”

[747man]

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Sarah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”



Miss Rogers says, “All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?”

Sarah says, “Mas-tur-bate.”

Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Sarah, that’s a mouthful.” Sarah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

[747man]

DvK9wwMX4AAflCT.jpg (8.41 KiB) Viewed 1292 times

[TAXIfor7/11]

E V E R T O N

[vidmaster]

To all those girls out there complaining that their hair keeps getting in their eyes

Get a grip!!!🧐

[747man]

E V E R T O N

FREAK Result, A LOT Like Stoke City 6 v. LiverPOO 1 A couple of seasons ago.....So Yer Can Shut it Now

[747man]

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.

The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, “I had tolio as a child.”



The wife asks if he means polio. He says, “No, it only affects the toes.”

He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, “I had kneesles, too.”

Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, “Oh no — smallcox, too!”

[747man]

[747man]