Consolidated Joke Thread

[vidmaster]

Could happen

[747man]

A young lad was walking through town, when a girl came up to him and whispered,'Blowjob, £5.' Confused, the boy ignored her and walked on. When he got home, he decided to ask his sister what it meant, 'What's a blowjob?' '£5, same as in town,' replied his sister.

[747man]

[747man]

[AlexO]

I was out for Lunch with the wife today, when we were walking down the High Street , 1:00 in the afternoon, she pointed to a drunk on the other side of the road and said
"Look at the state of him, at this time of day. Can you believe he proposed to me 30 years ago and I turned him down flat!".
I replied: "Good Lord, and he's still celebrating!"

[vidmaster]

Can’t argue with this

[747man]

Got pulled over by the police last night.
He said, "Sir do you know your car was swerving all over the road?" I replied, "Sorry officer but I've drunk ten pints and six large vodkas up the pub and feel a bit pissed."
He said, "But That's no excuse to let your wife drive!"

[vidmaster]

The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses.

The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'

[747man]

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical....... He didn't say another word the whole journey

[747man]

Just been asked by a group of teenagers outside the Co-op if I would get them 20 Richmonds. Stupidly I agreed and got them a packet, I handed them over and you should have heard the abuse I got!!
So I told them next time, get your own sausages

[AlexO]

Asked if he leaves the dressing room when his players are getting changed, England Women's manager Phil Neville said there was no need as he was used to seeing tits and twats from his time at Everton..

[747man]

Asked if he leaves the dressing room when his players are getting changed, England Women's manager Phil Neville said there was no need as he was used to seeing tits and twats from his time at Everton..

Oooooooooooohhhhh ! YOU Are Awful......

[stattointhailand]

Gives the phrase "Takes one to know one" whole new meaning

[AlexO]

Scottish man was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way,folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "You're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father took a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[stattointhailand]

Why do Jews all have big noses?

Air is free

[Stantheman]

Why do Jews all have big noses?

Air is free

Do we really need this stereotype of joke here, personally I think it is uncalled for.

[stattointhailand]

That's why this thread WAS called UN P C jokes when it started.

Its the bloody PC Brigade that has completely killed comedy, cant make jokes about this/that /and especially the other ooooooooo I'm offended

BTW that joke was from a BBC programme called QI and if its good enough for BBC its good enough for Udonmap

[vidmaster]

Stan needs to just not look at this thread
He obviously doesn’t know how to laugh

[stattointhailand]

Stan needs to just not look at this thread
He obviously doesn’t know how to laugh

Nah, from what I remember Stan's OK and enjoys a good rib tickler. I blame the fact that he is being subjected to so much US TV Censorship of comedy that he is now programmed to "be offended" at the slightest thing, just like those in UK and other "PC at all costs" countries.

Have a look at some of the current batch of Stand Up comics ...... apart from the fact that youve never heard of them (thats a pretty good clue to how good they are) their acts are atrocious at best and would never have got past the Church Hall Talent show 30 odd years ago

[Doodoo]

Rumor has it that copper wire was invented by 2 Scotsmen fighting over a penny

Billy Coonoly