Consolidated Joke Thread

[vidmaster]

A friend of mine just txt me that she’s got swelling on her arse, legs & boobs...

I thought that's far too much inflammation!🧐🧐

[747man]

[tinpeeba]

[747man]

[pipadoo]

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
The barman looks at him and replies ......

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

[fredwilliams]

THERAPIST: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?

HUSBAND: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

[747man]

[747man]

It was so hot last night that we had a fan in the bedroom. The clapping and cheering was a little off putting but much appreciated..

[747man]

Make Yer Mind Up !!!!!!.................

[747man]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am
by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up
and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in
the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he
answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's
bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago
when we broke down, and those two guys helped
us? I think you should help him, and you should
be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people
too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and
goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

[747man]

WETHERSPOONS 97p a pint!

Open to all Liverpool fans. Go to any Wetherspoons pub, go up to the bar and say, it's our season, we got 97 points last season, I've come to claim my 97p pint. Enjoy. Offer closes on opening day of the season.

[747man]

When I was a kid my Mum would send me down to the corner shop with a pound note and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, a loaf of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, half a dozen eggs.

You can't do that now. Too many darn security cameras."

[neeemu]

I chuckled and then I saw Mexico as well

[747man]

I'm convinced my wife had sex with another man yesterday.

She passed her driving test first time.!

[747man]

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

[747man]

Remember, you still need your I.D. when flying on domestic flights. A passport, driver’s licence or, if you’re flying from Glasgow, an ASBO or valid court conviction.

[747man]

Paddy and Murphy are working on a roof, when suddenly Paddy doesn't feel very well.

He says "Murphy, I feel sick and dizzy, so I’m going home"

Murphy asks "Have you got vertigo Paddy?”

Paddy replies "No Murphy, I only live around the corner...”