Consolidated Joke Thread

[Mjkt]

Boris was in a remote part of the country addressing disgruntled locals in a village hall.
“Now, tell me all about your concerns, I'm here to help" he said.
A young mum said: “We have a state of the art health center, but no permanent doctors"
Boris said, “leave it to me" and whipped out his mobile phone and in his loud, booming voice spoke into it for about 5 minutes, and it sounded as if whoever was on the other end was getting an almighty bollocking: “not good enough ……. letting these people down ……. heads will roll" and on it went. He ended the call and turned to his audience.
“Right, sorted” he said “a team of full time GP's will be here first thing tomorrow. Now, anything else?”
“Yes, Prime Minister” said a bloke at the front, “for over a year now, we haven't had any mobile phone coverage whatsoever in this area”

[tamada]

Boris was in a remote part of the country addressing disgruntled locals in a village hall.
“Now, tell me all about your concerns, I'm here to help" he said.
A young mum said: “We have a state of the art health center, but no permanent doctors"
Boris said, “leave it to me" and whipped out his mobile phone and in his loud, booming voice spoke into it for about 5 minutes, and it sounded as if whoever was on the other end was getting an almighty bollocking: “not good enough ……. letting these people down ……. heads will roll" and on it went. He ended the call and turned to his audience.
“Right, sorted” he said “a team of full time GP's will be here first thing tomorrow. Now, anything else?”
“Yes, Prime Minister” said a bloke at the front, “for over a year now, we haven't had any mobile phone coverage whatsoever in this area”

ROFLMAO. You gotta repost this in the Boris is a Failure thread in the U.K. politics discourse.

[stattointhailand]

[AlexO]

A man tells the Rabbi
'I have a strong desire to live forever'
The Rabbi tells him
' Get Married'
The man asks
'Will I then live forever'?
The Rabbi says
'No but the desire will leave you' !!!

[tamada]

There's a rumor that Kim Kardashian and Dwayne Johnson are going to run opposite each other for a crack at a 2024 US Presidential nomination. This is proof, if ever proof were needed, that America's still finding itself between a rock and a hard face.

[vidmaster]

Ahhhh🥸🥸🥸🥸🥸

[AlexO]

There is a small village in rural England, which has a church. In the church lives a priest and the bell ringer. One morning the priest doesn't hear the morning bell ring so he goes to the bell ringers room to check on him. When he enters the room he sees the bell ringer dead in his bed.
The priest, although he is upset, makes some flyers about new bell ringer auditions and sticks them to every lamp-post in the village. The next day there is a huge line of people queuing outside the Church. The priest, surprised by the amount of people, eagerly welcomes them in one by one to see who is the best ringer. Around 200 people try out and the line slowly gets shorter and shorter until everyone has tried to impress the priest with their bell ringing.
Although there were some brilliant ringers that day non of them were up to the standards of the old bell ringer. The priest slumped in his chair, disappointed with the days outcome when suddenly he hears a bang on the door. He opens the door and doesn't see anyone..
"Down here!" A man shouts. The priest looks down and before him stood a man with no arms or legs. "I hope I'm not late for the bell ringing try outs" the man said.
"err... no you're not, come this way" the priest said unsurely. He carried the man up to the bell tower and placed him in front of the bell and the rope to ring it. The man starred at he bell for a while until he began to hit his head on it.. hard.. again.. and again. The priest was in complete awe at his amazing skills.
The man carried on.. hitting his head on the bell harder and harder, fastest and faster. Blood begins to appear.. trickling down his face but he keeps on going... eventually he falls to the ground. The priest kneels down to inspect him... he is unconscious.
The priest immediately runs into the village to go and get help. "Help! Somebody help!" he shouted. He gathered a small crowd of people and took them to church. They all gathered around the unconscious man. Upon closer inspection they realise he was dead.. the priest begins to cry.. "He was brilliant.. the best I have ever heard.... I didn't even know his name! Who was this man!?"
The crowd look at each other until one man stood out and said:
"I don't know his name.. but his face rings a bell.

Sorry you need to be on your 4th dram to find it funny.

[vidmaster]

Let’s get happy

[tamada]

I was wondering why we didn't see them at Deans last Sunday.

[jackspratt]

I was also wondering, in a happy sort of way ...... is Alec Baldwin related to Mike Baldwin?

And are Johnny and Ronnie Biggs identical twins?

[stattointhailand]

Not got a clue who either of them are, although now you mention it he does look uncannily like Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs

[vidmaster]

🥸🥸🥸🥸🥸

[marcus1]

They were at T-bar.

[vidmaster]

Could happen 🥸🥸🥸🥸🥸

[vidmaster]

[Mjkt]

[tinpeeba]

[Mjkt]

[stattointhailand]

Looking on the bright side ....... if they had blocked the canal before BREXIT it would have lost $5 bn

[AlexO]

A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents:
A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A BBC reporter, Laura Kuenssberg, had watched the whole event.
Laura, addressing the Harley rider says. "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”
The Harley rider replies. "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
Miss Kuenssberg. "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a BBC journalist, you know and tomorrow's news will run this story. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies. "I'm a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for Brexit.”
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker turns on BBC News to see if it indeed brings news of his actions.
BBC Headline: RIGHT WING UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH