Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

A man walked into a Kebab shop and was surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.
“Santa!” he said.”What are you doing working here? Shouldn’t you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?”
Santa let out a big sigh. He had really fallen on hard times. The red suit was splattered with chilli sauce and bits of lettuce, his apron was a mess, and he looked as if the last thing in the world he wanted to be doing was serving kebabs.
Eventually he admitted: “I’m afraid my business has gone belly up. What with the credit crunch and the recession, the toy industry took a hammering.
I had to lay off some of the elves, the bank wouldn’t give me a loan and we just lost our competitive edge. We wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out but none of these measures helped our profitability. Finally the receivers came in, asset stripped the business and we went into liquidation.”
“I’m really sorry to hear that,” said the man. “It kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas.”
“I know,” said Santa, smiling weakly. “Anyway, enough of me, and my troubles. What can I get you?”
The man said: “I’ll have a large Donner.”
“Sorry” said Santa. “We’re all out of Donner. Will Blitzen do instead?”..........

[747man]

My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a Liverpool shirt for 2 weeks to see how people will react.
So far he has been spat at, punched and verbally abused.
It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

[747man]

NOT REALLY A JOKE.....But The U.K. Government are especially were EX-PATS Are Concerned !!

[747man]

In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. This is a perfect example of this teaching: Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' Of course child. What can I do for you?'
I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?' 'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead,

[Earnest]

It can't be that cold in Nong Khai, Alan?

[747man]

It can't be that cold in Nong Khai, Alan?

It Is Quite " Nippy " Around The Gonads,Especially in the Early Morning Steve.....15c This Morning when I Got up....

[747man]

I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night.She said to me, "Have you got a nickname?"l said, "Yes, my mates call me 'the sledge.'"She giggled and said, 'Is that because you're a smooth ride?"l said, "No, it's because l always get pulled by fuc*ing dogs!!

[747man]

Just had the worst day today…. I paid a carpenter to build us a bespoke double bed and found out he’s done a bunk…. It’s just one thing on top of another…

[Earnest]

I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night.She said to me, "Have you got a nickname?"l said, "Yes, my mates call me 'the sledge.'"She giggled and said, 'Is that because you're a smooth ride?"l said, "No, it's because l always get pulled by fuc*ing dogs!!

555, misogynistic, of course but quite funny all the same, Alan.

[747man]

I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night.She said to me, "Have you got a nickname?"l said, "Yes, my mates call me 'the sledge.'"She giggled and said, 'Is that because you're a smooth ride?"l said, "No, it's because l always get pulled by fuc*ing dogs!!

555, misogynistic, of course but quite funny all the same, Alan.

555 I Had an Idea that YOU Would like that one Steve.....

[747man]

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat...
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. like most Kiwis, boasted to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss'er.'
'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
'Wull,' said Graham, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

[747man]

[tamada]

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat...
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. like most Kiwis, boasted to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss'er.'
'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
'Wull,' said Graham, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

Gold!

[747man]

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat...
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. like most Kiwis, boasted to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss'er.'
'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
'Wull,' said Graham, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

Gold!

Well What Else would You expect from a Scouser ???

[747man]

Poor Santa .....Got the Request Wrong.....555 !!

[747man]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a
>sentence.
>
> Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's
>farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
>
> The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the
>word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
>
> Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity
>and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally,
>but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
>
> Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she
>had been burned by Little Johnny before.
>
> She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
>'fascinate', so she called on him.
> Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but
>her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
>
> The teacher sat down and cried.

[Laan Yaa Mo]

Bawdy humour at its best? Perhaps the teacher should stop crying and go and meet Gina, the future love of her life.

[747man]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , it is where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads...
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street..
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[747man]

A Cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife. My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, Being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife, however, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 years old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight".
When the man came home late that night he found a reply of his letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young,virile and like your secretary, he is 18 years old. You being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!!

[Whistler]

I told my wife I could make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.