Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

[747man]

...Well,Yeah it's Correct In'it ??

[747man]

.....555 !!

[jackspratt]

Goodness - how did they fit all those words into a Christmas cracker?

[747man]

Goodness - how did they fit all those words into a Christmas cracker?

Well IT Was a HUGE Cracker Mr Pratt !!

[747man]

[stattointhailand]

Tommy Cooper specials, on here several years ago but worth repeating

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on

it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'



This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It

was a turtle disaster.

.

I told my wife I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I

said, 'No, permanent.'

.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,

'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

.

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me

a Volkswagen with no driver.

.

I went to the local video shop and I said 'Can I rent Batman Forever?'

He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he

went T'PAU! I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'

.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

.

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said

'No, just a watch.'

.

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The

bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

.

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels. He said,

'You've got cholera.'

.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his

name, its P something T something R.

.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it

down.

.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just

went on and on and on.

.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary

work?? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I

said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No,

this is for the custard.'

.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin

paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

.

I told my wife that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me

on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you

anything.'

.

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip

outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

.

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes

first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd

been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again

to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made

me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came

and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing

a cat in there.

.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the

shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on

two counts.

.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'

I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams.

.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the

splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays

or Thursdays.'

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

[jackspratt]

Tommy Cooper specials, on here several years ago but worth repeating

I believe that Tommy had a couple of kids, so that would mean he is also a dad.

[747man]

A married man died before he could have sex with his wife. The wife then cut off his penis and mounted it to the wall. Each night she went to the wall and satisfied herself. One day the neighbour Peter found out what was happening. He then made a hole in the wall, removed the dead man’s penis and put his own penis and waited for the lady. *The lady came with a knife and said “darling, we are moving to a new house.*

[747man]

I Think Statto KNOWS Lots of French Words.......Sacre Bleu !!

[747man]

[747man]

She Forgot to Put Sun Cream on & The Baby Came Out TANNED !!!

[747man]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question"
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''

[stattointhailand]

Men of 20 play football

Men of 40 play tennis

Men of 60 play golf

Anyone else noticed that the older you get the smaller your balls get?

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a Paper shop to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into Morrison’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.
The girl responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at Morrisons.