Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? It's so easy to fool OLD people. I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!! Oh quit whining I fell for it, too.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? It's so easy to fool OLD people. I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!! Oh quit whining I fell for it, too.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
- Where 747's jokes come from...
'Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence'
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A big girl came up to me in a nightclub one night in the 80s, put her hand on my groin and said, "Have a guess what is gonna be in my mouth tonight?"
"I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered.
"I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'"
"Oh, that's easy," I said, looking her up and down, "Cake.
"I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered.
"I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'"
"Oh, that's easy," I said, looking her up and down, "Cake.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
"When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal, "Whoever dares to jump, swim to the shore, and survive, I'll give you $1,000,000.
No one dared to move. Suddenly, a man jumped into the water, and desperately swam, and made it to the shore, while being chased by all the crocodiles.
The owner announced, "We have a brave winner!!"
After the man collected his reward, he and his wife returned to the hotel.
Upon arrival, the manager told him that he had been very brave to jump. To which the man replied, "I didn't jump, someone pushed me!" His wife smiled.....
Moral - Behind every successful man, there's a woman who pushes him!"
No one dared to move. Suddenly, a man jumped into the water, and desperately swam, and made it to the shore, while being chased by all the crocodiles.
The owner announced, "We have a brave winner!!"
After the man collected his reward, he and his wife returned to the hotel.
Upon arrival, the manager told him that he had been very brave to jump. To which the man replied, "I didn't jump, someone pushed me!" His wife smiled.....
Moral - Behind every successful man, there's a woman who pushes him!
"Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........
Also read this
https://hotflav.com/angry-man-causes-plane-to-deplane.../
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........
Also read this
https://hotflav.com/angry-man-causes-plane-to-deplane.../
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
HR: What is this 4 year gap in your resumé?
Applicant: That was when I went to Yale.
HR: Excellent. You're hired.
Applicant: Thanks. I really need this yob.
Applicant: That was when I went to Yale.
HR: Excellent. You're hired.
Applicant: Thanks. I really need this yob.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
See that 747? You see that?
Now that's what's call a yoke.
'Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence'
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
IF You THINK that's Funny, YOU Need to THINK Again Tam.....Infact it's Bloody Rubbish......
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Dad, a girl invited me over to her house
Oh that is great, Billy but you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no I don't trust you son, put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget.
And so Billy did and he headed on over to the girl's place.
After a chat and some drinks, things got saucy. Wait she said, in order to continue, you have to pass a test. She then removed her T shirt, proclaiming my breasts are pure and untouched, only the sun on beach days had ever had a feel of them"She then removed her skirt. My thighs are pure and touched by no one, only the wind on breezy days has ever felt their softness.
Finally, she removed her panties and last, my vagina, pure and untouched. No one has ever felt its warmth, nor the wind nor the sun.....
So tell me, Billy, should I let you feel my body are you capable to match my purity?
Sure, he claims as he pulls downs his trousers and pants, I am so pure and untouched, my willy is still in the the wrapper....
Oh that is great, Billy but you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no I don't trust you son, put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget.
And so Billy did and he headed on over to the girl's place.
After a chat and some drinks, things got saucy. Wait she said, in order to continue, you have to pass a test. She then removed her T shirt, proclaiming my breasts are pure and untouched, only the sun on beach days had ever had a feel of them"She then removed her skirt. My thighs are pure and touched by no one, only the wind on breezy days has ever felt their softness.
Finally, she removed her panties and last, my vagina, pure and untouched. No one has ever felt its warmth, nor the wind nor the sun.....
So tell me, Billy, should I let you feel my body are you capable to match my purity?
Sure, he claims as he pulls downs his trousers and pants, I am so pure and untouched, my willy is still in the the wrapper....
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
'A man went to confession Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.