Consolidated Joke Thread

[Loaded]

Translate; it`s like Iraq or some other Arab country. I feel very comfortable in Malmึ. (Malmึ is Sweden second largest city)

[beer monkey]

i reckon Fatima was forced to make that statement .

[beer monkey]

.

[Loaded]

i reckon Fatima was forced to make that statement .

Yip, good ol`Fatima....

[Seaserpent]

i reckon Fatima was forced to make that statement .

Malm๖ is an Arab city..... It is really sad our government doesn't allow Swedes to be Swedes and proud of the Sweden.... And they call that democracy....

That is one of the reasons I like Thailand...

[Seaserpent]

16 Things it took me over 50+ years to learn
By: Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

>
>
> 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
> pill and a laxative the same night.
>
>
>
> 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
> why the human race has not achieved, and never will
> achieve, its full potential, that word would be
> "meetings."
>
>
>
> 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
> "mental illness."
>
>
>
> 4. People who want to share their religious views
> with you almost never want you to share yours with
> them.
>
>
>
> 5. You should not confuse your career with your
> life.
>
>
>
> 6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
> and dance. (This one is very important.)
>
>
>
> 7. Never lick a steak knife.
>
>
>
> 8. The most destructive force in the universe is
> gossip.
>
>
>
> 9. You will never find anybody who can give you a
> clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
> savings time.
>
>
>
> 10. You should never say anything to a woman that
> even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant
> unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her
> at that moment.
>
>
>
> 11. There comes a time when you should stop
> expecting other people to make a big deal about your
> birthday. That time is age 11.
>
>
>
> 12. The one thing that unites all human beings,
> regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status
> or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we ALL
> believe that we are above average drivers.
>
>
>
> 13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a
> waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very
> important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
>
>
>
> 14. Your friends love you anyway.
>
>
>
> 15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
> that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of
> professionals built the Titanic.
>
>
>
> 16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.
> They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women
> to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into
> something acceptable to have dinner with.

[beer monkey]

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.

The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.

An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution." ?

She said,.. "I raised over a thousand cocks last year." .

[Seaserpent]

DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE MEMORIES? AN INTERESTING STORY!

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standingwith one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front
foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[jingjai]

Pre-Nup


> > > > An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married. She
said:
> > > > "I want to keep my house." He said: "That's fine with me." She
> > > > said: "And I want to keep my Cadillac." He said: "That's fine
with
> > > > me." She said: "And I want to have sex 6 times a week." He
said:
> > > > "That's fine with me.............put me down for Fridays."

[jingjai]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. ;I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.


Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

___________ ___ _______
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Man y people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 ! manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE comma nd before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the onl y w ay to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[beer monkey]

Q.,.... What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common .?


















A..... They can both smell it, but can't eat it...

[LU]

Keep Walking!

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Not bad!

[Prenders88]

Young boy walks in on his parents having sex.
Mums on top. Son asks what you doing. Mum says I'm trying to flatten Dads tummy.
Son replies You're wasting your time. Mrs Poonthip from Ban Soy comes in when your at work, gets on her knees and blows him back up again.

[Seaserpent]

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the street,
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came to a house of ill repute, and knocked on the door. When the Madam
answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I
want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it,
and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, what the hell, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He said, "I heard all the men talking
about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam
told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, dragging
the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and
headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the
only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant
to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will
have sex with me because she's very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the
disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter
home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and
have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman
will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom, and catch the disease, and HE'S the
son-of-a-b!tch that ran over my frog."

[Seaserpent]

There will only be 49 contestants in the

Miss Black America Contest this year

because no one wants to wear the

banner that says,

IDAHO.

[slotmh]

>> A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
>>
>> On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle,
>> I'm still a virgin."
>>
>> "What?" said the puzzled groom.
>>
>> "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
>>
>> "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me
how
>> great it was going to be.
>>
>> Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how
it
>> was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to
>> me.
>>
>> Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out
>> diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
>>
>> Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the
order,
>> he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
>>
>> Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but
wanted
>> three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art

>> method.
>>
>> Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew
how,
>> but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
>>
>> Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was

>> never sure how to position it.
>>
>> Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
>>
>> Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
>>
>> Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was....... God!
I
>> miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
>>
>> "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
>>
>> "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[slotmh]

[slotmh]

>An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his
> > tests come back with
> > normal results. The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great.
> > How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with
> > God?"
> >
> > Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
> > so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go
> > to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on.
> >
> > When I'm done, POOF! the light goes off. " WOW, That's incredible"
> > the doctor says.
> >
> > A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel,"
> > he says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe
> > of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
> > night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's
> > done POOF! the light goes off?
> >
> > "Oh my God!"Ethel exclaims. "he's peeing in the refrigerator again!

[beer monkey]

Q:... What do condoms and Kodak have in common .?







A:... They both capture that magic moment.

[jingjai]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.