Consolidated Joke Thread

[wazza]

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved?
If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable
home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his
buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

[beer monkey]

Crikey wazza are you going into meltdown...

[wazza]

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:-

MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE.
I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,
CHEN LEE

[beer monkey]

NO FEE
CHEN LEE..

. .

[wazza]

A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools
away. the guy had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the size
of a thimble. The first man said "please excuse me for staring, but I cant
help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head
is so small?"

The man said "buy me a drink and I'll tell you." the drink was ordered
and the story began. "I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo.
I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few
miles away. I had been there alone for several months and was sitting on the
beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something
to eat, looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. she
swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could
grant me three wishes.

Great I said. I'd like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her
tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.
Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is. Then, noticing
how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could
make love to her.

She said no it just would'nt work her being half fish and all.
So I said well, how about a little head then?

[wazza]

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him.

[wazza]

Not sure how true these are but anyway!

1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Girl's, makes you hope you never need
surgery in Bahrain!)

3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick - guys, if you weren't dead, the pain would kill you)

4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Whoa, now
that is extreme!)

5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of
having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly
forbidden for virgins to marry. (Single guys, let's just think for a minute;
is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores. (I always wanted an aquarium, maybe I'll move Liverpool!)

8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (This was a big enough problem that the
had to pass this law?)

10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam,
though!!)

[wazza]

Guys, you know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Every Valentine's Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do love them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration.

Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.

July 31st is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day." Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a Steak and a BJ. That's it.

Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable July 31st . It's like a perpetual love machine!

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, Steak and BJ

[wazza]

A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire amongst other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great and expensive cigars, and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the most obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and he was sentenced to 24 months in jail and ordered to pay a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

[beer monkey]

c'mon wazza 6 more to reach the "Century" mark.....

[wazza]

The Greatest Cricketing sledges of all time

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match,
Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?"

2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:As Cullinan was on his way to the
wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to
humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

3. Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo
Brandes): "Hey Eddo, why are you so F**ing Fat?" Eddo Brandes: "Because
everytime I F*** your mother, she throws me a biscuit"

4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to
Smith after he played & missed:"You can't f**individual bat". Smith to Hughes after
He smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't
f**individual bat & you can't f**individual bowl."

5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called
Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets
please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:During a test match in the West Indies,
Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after
deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at
me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed
him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f**k off."

7. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which
was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called
for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney...
"You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"

8. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was
greeted by Mark Waugh....... MW : "F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you
doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" JO
"Maybe not, but at least i'm the best player in my family"

9. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste
like?" Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath (losing it): "If you
ever F*&individual mention my wife again, I'll F*ing rip your F*fing throat
out."

10. Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore)
comes to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark - "Ohh, I remember
you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then,
you're fu*individual useless now". Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me &
when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear
you've married her. You dumb c*nt".

11. Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan
batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the
batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character
to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put
a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

12. Ravi Shastri v/s the aussie 12th man (don't remember who, and don't
want to slander anyone ) Shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a
single...this guy gets the ball in and says "if you leave the crease i'll
break your f***ing head" Shastri: "if you could bat as well as you can
talk you wouldn't be the f***ing 12th man"

13. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and
missed a couple of times. Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now
or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

14. Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first
slip,and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word.
At he end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly.
"I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your mother" he
replied.

[wazza]

A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds.
He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
God", he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."

[wazza]

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find a new girl had started.

Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river.

The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing.........

[wazza]

Subject: Chemistry Mid-Term Bonus Question

The following is an actual question given on University of IOWA chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you." Taking into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given!

[wazza]

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on his lap. Santa asks

[wazza]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini-van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "And I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light

[wazza]

The Queen and Prince Phillip, Charles, Camilla, Pope Jean-Paul, Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes, a duck and a talking horse, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a dwarf, a lesbian, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman, a Welshman and finally a Scot all walk into a bar.

The barman says: "Hang on a minute, is this some kinda of ****** joke?"

[wazza]

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
"Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church, labelled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'

From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

From The Times:
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these days."

From The Gloucester Citizen:
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look
into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."'

From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays ฃ200,000 to Save Prostitutes":
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

From The Derby Abbey Community News:
"We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."

From The Guardian:
"After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance
by cheque, made out in his new name."

From The Manchester Evening News:
"Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."

[wazza]

Talented octopus:
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. It can play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot etc, so he says that he will bet $50 that no one can produce an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin it up

[Hages]

For all you fisherman




A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first

drop and a 20 lb snapper on the second.


On the third drop he had just scored his first ever individual Terakihi when

his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had

just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.


The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be

there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving,

what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get

in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.


He ended up catching several personal bests, limited out on three

species and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was

jubilant....


Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.


The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing

didn't you!


"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four

hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in

the ICU!


It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it

will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will

require round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"


The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.



The doctor snickered and said, "Just f**individual with you. She's dead.

What'd you catch?"