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beer monkey
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Post by beer monkey » May 16, 2007, 8:44 pm

Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back
streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it gets closer to dusk the
increasing darkness makes one of the girls a little nervous.

She leans over to the other and says,.. "You know, I've never come this
way before."

The other girl says..."I know, it's the cobblestones." .Image



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Post by farang » May 17, 2007, 3:57 am

if the playback is choppy/keeps stoping and starting,just click pause and wait 10 minutes( 20 minutes if you have slow internet) then click play and the video will play.. ...sato sato

part one
<div><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embe ... 202FA40180" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="369" wmode="transparent">
part 2
<div><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embe ... C13ECC1850" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="369" wmode="transparent">

part 3
<div><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embe ... B0E6F0A976" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="369" wmode="transparent"></embed>

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Paul
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Re: Not sure if these are all true ?

Post by Paul » May 17, 2007, 8:53 am

wazza wrote: 5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of
having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly
forbidden for virgins to marry.
Ok thats it..
Who has the address of the Guam embassy and how much is a visa !?!

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wazza
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kids !!

Post by wazza » May 17, 2007, 8:54 pm

Kids Write About The Sea


1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)


2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)


3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)


4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)


5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8 )


6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)



7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)



8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)



9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)


10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)


11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. Kevin age 6)


12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

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Post by farang » May 18, 2007, 2:54 am


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beer monkey
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Post by beer monkey » May 19, 2007, 5:44 am

farang wrote:sanook game ...... http://www.snopi.com/FreeTime/assault.swf
Good Game good Game.....Image .

***********************************************************
NOW A LITTLE JOKE


(italian accent needed !)


Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da past-a two weeks? No-a one-a seen-a you around."

"Don

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Post by jingjai » May 20, 2007, 12:24 pm

>> All Seniors Aren't Senile!
>>
>> An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one
>>Friday
>>evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
>> He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for
>>his
>>girlfriend.
>> The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a
>>$5,000 ring.
>> The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more
>>special."
>> At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock
>>and brought
>>another ring over.
>> "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,"
>> the jeweler said.
>> The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
>>with
>>excitement.
>> The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
>> The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man
>>stated,
>> "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so
>>I'll
>>write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds
>>and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,".
>> Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
>> "There's no money in that account."
>> "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my
>>weekend!"
>> Don't mess with old people.

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Post by wazza » May 20, 2007, 1:52 pm

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off." Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like ----

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wazza
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Confessions

Post by wazza » May 20, 2007, 1:53 pm

CONFESSION!

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lemon Juice

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. " The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vive Le Sex

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

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Anger Management

Post by wazza » May 20, 2007, 1:57 pm

Anger Management



When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on Someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I Politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!"
And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two Digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a C*nt!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a C*nt!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "C*nt" Calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"
One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for, I hit the Horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt, (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover C*nt, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Steve?"


"I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."
"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Steve, you're a C*nt!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**eholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called C*nt #1.
"Hello?"
"You're a C*nt!" (but I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah." I said.
"Stop calling me!" he screamed.
"Make me." I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Steve Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared... C*nt." and hung up.
Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, C*nt," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll do what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a*se," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street.
I got there just in time to watch two C*nts beating the ---- out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.
Now I feel MUCH better.


Take it from me, anger management really works.

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Post by Seaserpent » May 20, 2007, 7:20 pm

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here <

http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

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Post by Jojje » May 22, 2007, 8:48 pm

This story is true, it happened 101095. Some radiocommunication between som canadians and a US NAVY-ship

Canadian: -Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.

US Navy: -Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

Canadian: -Negative. You will have to devert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

US Navy: -This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course

Canadian: - No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

US Navy: -This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees nort, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadian: This is a lighthouse. Your call

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Post by jingjai » May 23, 2007, 6:40 pm

> >>
> >> The Israelis and Arabs finally realized
> >>
> >> that if they continued fighting, they would
> >> someday end up destroying the
> >> world.
> >>
> >> So they sat down and decided to settle the whole
> >> dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that
> >> each country would take five years to develop the
> >> best
> >> fighting dog they could.
> >>
> >> The dog that won the fight would earn its country
> >> the
> >> right to rule the disputed areas.
> >>
> >> The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
> >>
> >> The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and
> >> Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together
> >> and
> >> then crossed their offspring with the meanest
> >> Siberian
> >> wolves.
> >>
> >> They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from
> >> each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed
> >> them
> >> the best food . They used steroids and trainers in
> >> their quest for the perfect killing machine.
> >>
> >> After the five years were up, they had a dog that
> >> needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the
> >> trainers
> >> could handle this beast. When the day of the big
> >> fight
> >> arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange
> >> animal.
> >>
> >> It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt
> >> sorry
> >> for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird
> >> animal stood a chance against the growling beast in
> >> the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would
> >> win in less than a minute The cages were opened. The
> >> Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring.
> >>
> >> The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the
> >> giant
> >> wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the
> >> Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and
> >> swallowed the Arab beast in one bite There was
> >> nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer
> >> dog's tail.
> >>
> >> The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their
> >> heads
> >> in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top
> >> scientists and breeders worked for five years with
> >> the
> >> meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They
> >> developed a killing machine."
> >>
> >> "Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top
> >> plastic surgeons working for five years to make an
> >> alligator look like a Dachshund."

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beer monkey
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Post by beer monkey » May 24, 2007, 11:55 pm

The Horses in the race are..... .


1. Passionate Lady

2. Bare Belly

3. Silk Panties

4. Conscience

5. Jockey Shorts

6. Clean Sheets

7. Thighs

8. Big Dick

9. Heavy Bosom

10. Merry Cherry




AT THE POST...

And they're off! ....Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts
and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very
dangerous spot.

AT THE HALF-WAY MARK...

It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open, and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy
Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and
Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific
pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH....

Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final
drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH.....

It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes
everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big
Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head... Bare
Belly shows... Thighs weakens... Heavy Bosom pulls up... and Clean
Sheets never had a chance. Image..Image

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Hages
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Post by Hages » May 25, 2007, 1:37 pm

Swearing at Work



Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner .


1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se-hole

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem, mate.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway

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Post by Alagrl » May 25, 2007, 11:42 pm

Have to admit that the obscenity phrases go through my head while I'm attempting to say the right thing here at the office!

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Post by beer monkey » May 26, 2007, 5:42 am

Two nuns were driving their car through Transylvania when suddenly
Count Dracula lands on the bonnet, snarling at them through the
windscreen.

"Quick, show him your cross!" screamed one of the nuns.

The second nun leaned out the window and yelled,
"Oi! Get OFF the fcuking car!"
.Image

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beer monkey
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Post by beer monkey » May 26, 2007, 6:11 am

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at
the door. When he answers, a tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives
him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is
a second tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick
and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third tramp. The landlord
says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw."

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious why he wants it, so he
asks the tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

"Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone
already." Image

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Seaserpent
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Post by Seaserpent » May 26, 2007, 2:54 pm

> Life explained!!!
>
> On the first day, God created the dog and said:
>
> "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
>
> The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
>
> So God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
>
> "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
>
> The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
>
> And God agreed.
>
> On the third day, God created the cow and said:
>
> "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
>
> The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
>
> And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day, God created man and said:
>
> "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
>
> But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
>
> "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
>
> So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
> Life has now been explained to you.
>

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Post by beer monkey » May 26, 2007, 11:17 pm

Q. What's the difference between PMT and BSE?















A. One's a mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem. .Image
Can You Dig It Dug.?

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