Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by **RALPHCUSENS** » June 16, 2007, 9:00 pm

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and
behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said , "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Post by **RALPHCUSENS** » June 16, 2007, 9:07 pm

Doctor's Office......

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,
and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is
embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most
of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

>>
>>
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
>>
>>
>>
>>Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Post by **BKKSTAN** » June 19, 2007, 2:05 pm

A man was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the man
turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know", said the man. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the
same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?"

The man thinks about it and says, " I have no idea."

"Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
sh*t?

Post by **farang** » June 20, 2007, 7:44 pm

priceless

Post by **farang** » June 21, 2007, 3:41 am

Accents of the British Isles

<object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="450" height="370" wmode="transparent" data="http://www.liveleak.com/player.swf?auto ... 65"><param name="movie" value="http://www.liveleak.com/player.swf?auto ... 65"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><param name="quality" value="high"></object>

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=1be_1182354565

Post by **UdonExpat** » June 21, 2007, 7:56 am

TEXAS CHILI COOK OFF

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Charlie's Maniac Monster Chili....
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ----, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Mike's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. The had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Al's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded on me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting -----faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Rob's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Jimmy's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6 Joe's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I ---- on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Rob's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Anthony's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see most of it is lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to "really hot" chili?

Post by **beer monkey** » June 22, 2007, 4:57 am

3 Rose's Joke

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she
wants her vagina lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret
and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three
roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.

"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery
and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted
to thank you for his new ears.

Post by **Hages** » June 22, 2007, 11:36 am

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the street, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came to a house of ill repute, and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked
what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, what the hell, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of
one of the others?"
He said, "Well, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she's very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom, and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch that ran over my frog.

Post by **farang** » June 22, 2007, 5:43 pm

F**k That! - Afghanistan
A UK soldier decides to take cover during a firefight.

Post by **Seaserpent** » June 23, 2007, 1:59 am

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything
different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different
NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope" she replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat"

Post by **farang** » June 23, 2007, 2:30 am

Post by **farang** » June 26, 2007, 2:23 am

insurgents in iraq, WARNING MAY OFFEND SOME PEOPLE !!! GRAPHIC CONTENT!!!

<object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="450" height="370" wmode="transparent" data="http://www.liveleak.com/player.swf?auto ... 92"><param name="movie" value="http://www.liveleak.com/player.swf?auto ... 92"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><param name="quality" value="high"></object>

Post by **jingjai** » June 26, 2007, 3:24 pm

>Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
>The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
>
>
>
>"I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me.
>We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids.
>I just don't get it."
>
>
>
>"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
>
>
>
>"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
>
>"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
>
>
>
>"Down 'tother side of the swamp
>
>near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
>
>
>
>"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
>
>"Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus
>
>
>and wait fer one to open the car door.
>
>
>Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg,
>shake the sh*it out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
>
>
>
>"Ah!" says the big alligator,
>"I think I see your problem.
>You ain't gettin' any real nourishment."
>
>"See, by the time you get done shakin'
>
>the shi*t out of a Politician,
>
>
>there ain't nothin' left but
>
>an asshole and a briefcase!"
>

Post by **Seaserpent** » June 27, 2007, 2:45 am

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.

At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison"

Post by **slotmh** » June 28, 2007, 11:23 pm

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looked it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

Post by **beer monkey** » June 30, 2007, 10:33 pm

Would you play "Strip Twister" with this guy.... click on blue link to see him...... priceless

TWISTER

Post by **Bump** » July 2, 2007, 10:49 am

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure

if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.

The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive

search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

He goes to minister... a married and experienced man for the answer. He

queries the minister and receives the same reply.Sex is work and not for

the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of

thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me

sex is work?"

The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do

it."

Post by **jingjai** » July 2, 2007, 4:36 pm

> >>> A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
> >>>The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
> >> >
> >> > The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
> >> >
> >> > He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips."
> >> >
> >> > The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
> "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice.

Post by **Pakawala** » July 2, 2007, 4:46 pm

jingjai wrote: The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice.

Jingjai, I'm sure the TRUE Irishman would have said, "Is that a one-or-the-other option, or can I have both?"

Post by **Irish Alan** » July 2, 2007, 11:48 pm

An Irish daughter had not come home to her house for over five years.

Upon her return, her father cursed her;

"Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum and I through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff. Dad. I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT??!! Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family! I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad, as you wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, the title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for à¸ƒ5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(she takes a breath)...and lastly, an invitation for all of you to spend New Years' Eve onboard my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

The father interrupts her: "Now what was it you said you had become, he asked?

"The girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh Be Jesus! Mother of Mary!. ya' scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said you had become a Protestant!" Come here and give your old man a hug!"