Consolidated Joke Thread

[Bump]

True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his
hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the
ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum
jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

What's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.

3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

[beer monkey]

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in
The Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he
Noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men
Here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".
That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
About "urges", so the camel can stay ."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy
With passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting
A ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his
Pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks
The Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No not really, sir..They usually just ride the camel into town......
where the girls are."

[beer monkey]

The Differance between Camel Toe and Moose Knuckle.


CAMEL TOE.


















And MOOSE KNUCKLE.







AND KNOW YOU KNOW .

[fivewin]

A good secretray says good morning boss , coffee???

A thai secretary says , good morning boss, wake up, time to work )

[jingjai]

A stranger was
seated next to a little girl on
the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've
heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow
passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book,
closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.
'How about nuclear power?' and he
smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting
topic. But let me ask you a question
first. A horse, a cow, and a deer
all eat the same stuff - grass - .
Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a
horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that
is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says,
'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do
you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when
you don't know sh*it?

[Irish Alan]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

[Irish Alan]

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery..........................The study of paintings
Bacteria......................Back door to cafeteria
Barium.......................What doctors do when patients die
Benign........................What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section.......A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan......................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her
Colic............................A sheep dog
Coma...........................A punctuation mark
Dilate..........................To live long
Enema.........................Not a friend
Fester..........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula.........................A small lie
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain...............Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane
Morbid.......................A higher offer
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates
Node...........................I knew it
Outpatient...................A person who has fainted
Pelvis..........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............A letter carrier
Recovery Room..........Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................Nearly killed him
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor
Tablet.........................A small table
Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport
Tumour.......................One plus one more
Urine..........................Opposite of you're out

[beer monkey]

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY



Barium.......................What doctors do when patients die



Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her

Coma...........................A punctuation mark

Dilate..........................To live long
Enema.........................Not a friend
Fester..........................Quicker than someone else

Impotent....................Distinguished, well known


Morbid.......................A higher offer
Nitrates.....................Cheaper than day rates.

Rectum........................Nearly killed him

Seizure........................Roman emperor


Tumour.......................One plus one more
Urine..........................Opposite of you're out

These above are my favourites....
you need to put on a strong irish accent and say them out loud to make them work.

[747man]

The Teacher asks Little Jimmy Why had he been Crying & Also why has he brought his pet Cat to School today ?? Little Jimmy says He was upset as before he left home he had overheard the Milkman say to his Mum " When THAT Fuc*ing Kid goes to School,I'm going to eat your Pussy "

[tingtongfalang]

A man needs to cross 400 miles of desert in a hurry. He goes to a camel dealer to rent a camel. The dealer tells him he rents camels for $125. The man says he only has $100. The dealer says he has a camel he will rent for $100, but it's not your average camel...every 25 miles you need to jack-off the camel to make it go again. The man laughs at the joke and hops on the camel and heads off into the desert. 25 miles later the camel stops. The guy tries hitting and kicking and cursing the camel. It won't move. He remembers what the dealer told him and since he is in a hurry he looks at the camel, making a hand motion. The camel nods. Disgusted, the guy jacks off the camel to make it move again. It works! He hops on the camels back and away he goes!

This goes on every 25 miles for the first 200. In the middle of this hot, god-forsaken desert with another 200 miles left to go in the baking sun....the camel stops and refuses to move no matter how much the man curses and kicks it. Finally, in disgust the man looks at the camel and motions with his hand. This time the camel shakes his head and opens his mouth in a sucking gesture as if to say NO...you have to blow me!

[donthani]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down. 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'

[donthani]

* I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
* 'So I said to the doctor'. ' People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball. 'The doctor said 'Howzat?' I said, 'don't you start'.
* So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
* 'I got up just like that, well it could of been like that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas, It's a funny place to have a door I know'.

[jingjai]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the
Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the
penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he
had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, an individual's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said
that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but itwould cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed an individual and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. an individual, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to an individual and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, H oratio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into an individual's underwear. an individual immediately summoned Nick.


The moral of the story - Pay your bills.

[Garnet]

This is a Neil Diamond parody of a couple years ago by the American TV comedy programme "Saturday Night Live." It features John Goodman as a backup musician for the entertainer.

I thought it was pretty outrageous.

http://www.badtree.com/Saturday_Night_L ... iamond.htm

[donthani]

[donthani]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar enjoying a drink after a hard day working away from home.

“You know,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee bar called McManus’. The landlord there really knows how to look after the regulars. After you’ve bought 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.”

“Reminds me of my old local, the Black Horse,” said the Englishman, “the guvnor there always gave me my third drink free.”

“That’s nothing,” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there’s O’Malley’s Bar. As soon as you get through the door they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had plenty of drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”

“Fantastic,” said the Englishman, “and this actually happen to you?”

“Not me, personally, no,” said the Irishman “but it did happen to my sister!”

[donthani]

Freddy walks into the pub with an enormous smile on his face.

His mates ask him why he is so pleased with himself.

“You lot will not believe what happened to me last night!”, Freddy replied.

“When we left the pub, instead of the way I usually walk home, I cut across the railway to get home a bit quicker, I’d had a good drink after all.”

“Well there was this girl tied to the tracks, so I untied her and took her home with me”

“What happened then?” His mates demanded.

“Well I had sex with her all night until I was exhausted. I had her on the sofa, I had her on the kitchen table and then I took her to bed with me and carried on some more”.

“You lucky bastard”, said one of his mates, “did you get a blow job?

“No”, He said “I never found her head”

[jingjai]

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occassions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"

She replies: "Because I really miss mine".

[marjamlew]

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his
penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing
that?'

>
>
>
>



She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

[beer monkey]

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occassions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"

She replies: "Because I really miss mine".



Ok...well its still brings a chuckle 3rd or even 5th time round.