Consolidated Joke Thread

[Irish Alan]

Ok...well its still brings a chuckle 3rd or even 5th time round.

Now for the graphic version:

[Irish Alan]

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

[Irish Alan]

A philosopher, a mathematician and a ‘not so intelligent’ man, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to hel_l."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to hel_l!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to hel_l!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

Theman then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The man then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the man, "it's from my asshol_e."

And he went to Heaven.

[Irish Alan]

A Somali arrives in London as a new immigrant to England. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street says,
"Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me in this country, giving me free housing, free food stamps, free medical care, free education and all wonderful social monetary benefits!"

The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Polish."

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such beautiful country here in England !"

The person says, "I not English, I am from Croatia ."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful England!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Iran, I am not English!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an English?"

She says, "No, I am from Iraq !"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English people?"

The Iraq lady checks her watch and says.... "Probably at work."

[Irish Alan]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to
them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and
enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the
course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling
out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend,
'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction
of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I
can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.
Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there
with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I
pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in
the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his
dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly
still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save
you a grand here.....!

[Irish Alan]

How old is Grandpa?

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he
thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandpa replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill

There was no:
' radar
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon


Your Grandmother and I got married first, and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'. And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense..

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, ride on a bus, and a Coke were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:
' 'grass' was mowed,
' 'coke' was a cold drink,
' 'pot' was something your mother cooked in and
' 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.
' 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office,
' ' chip' meant a piece of wood,
' 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and
' 'software' wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap.. and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.


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This man would be only 58 years old!

[Irish Alan]

A Catholic congregation in an Irish village honours its priest for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, father, I'm a little something extra that the committee arranged for you."

The priest is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the chairman of the committee and says, "Murphy, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed.

The priest turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

[Irish Alan]

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.

"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."

Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident.

Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

[Irish Alan]

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to heir separate beds. However, the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and goes on to the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."

[Irish Alan]

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

[Irish Alan]

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in
and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in
and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's
great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have
a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd
hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with?
Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law
drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday
morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on
my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing
you know, I'm screwing her."

The boss says, "You screw your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

[beer monkey]

Now That was a 'Joke Over-dose' ....

[Irish Alan]

Now That was a 'Joke Over-dose' ....

That's what insomnia does to you... 5:05am, I need...

[Garnet]

My half-sister is in her early 60s.

Not too long ago, she forwarded me that piece about the "old-timer" going on about how things were when he was young. And then the kicker came at the end of the whole spiel that this old guy was really a mere 58 years old.

Supposedly, things had changed so much since his youth.

Well, I'm 58, too.

I had to remind my absent-minded half-sister that "making out" back in the very early 60s and the late 50s before I was yet a teen meant just what it does now -- muckin' about with your date. Couldn't she remember that? She was a local beauty queen when I was still in elementary school, and going pretty damned steady more than once that I knew of.

And no bloody way were we listening to "the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey."

Elvis was going strong well before I was 10 -- my sister was considerably younger. So those other performers were pretty much historical when I was a kid -- more so for my sister.

Many of the other claims in that E-mail were equally feeble.

She simply read the E-mail and never thought.

And then she fanned it out like everyone else.

[beer monkey]

Chinese Wedding Night



A young Chinese couple get married.

She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten."

"I pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss anyting you wan, You juss ask. Whatchu wan?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You really wanting... Garric Chicken with Corrifrowa?"

[Irish Alan]

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross individual discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham vs Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away: "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer)is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977: "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator: "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator: "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

[Galee]

A Somalian arrives in Birmingham as a new immigrant to England
> >
> > He stops the first man he sees walking down the street and says,
> > 'Thank you
> > Mr Englishman for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food
> > stamps, free medical care and free education!'
> >
> > The man says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani.'
> >
> > The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank
> > you for
> > having such a beautiful country here in the UK!'
> >
> > This person says, 'I no British, me Polish.'
> >
> > He walks on and stops the next person, shakes his hand and says,
> > 'Thank you
> > for the wonderful things in England!'
> >
> > This person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from India, I am not
> > English!'
> >
> > Finally, he sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you English?'
> >
> > She says,' No, I am from Africa!'
> >
> > Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the English people?'
> >
> > The African lady checks her watch and says ..
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > ' Probably at work!! '

[Irish Alan]

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern.

"Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says.

"$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.”

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night.

The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks.

Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"

[jingjai]

Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Coors. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'

'Hasn't affected my brothers, though.'

[jingjai]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose. ' The woman did a s she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'