Have any of you forum members dealt with being distant from aging parents, with the concerns/responsibilities/stress that accompanies it? I say this because it doesn't appear that we will entertain the thought of living a partial year in Udon under current circumstances.
The combination of medical technology, Baby Boomers, and the global economy situation seems to have left a number of us in this situation of parents who live independently, yet need a level of keeping tabs and being available in case of crisis.
A lot of guilt here at not being next-door...
distance from Aging Parents
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Galee
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This is exactly what I was chatting to my friend in Udon about this week. He is an English teacher at one of the schools. He would like to earn more money but this would mean working in BKK or Rayong. He won't go because of his responsiblities to his parents.
This is where Thai culture and Western culture differ.
I have elderly parents and my main concern about going to Thailand to live is leaving them. However, they have no objection to me going. The western view point is that you only have one chance of experiencing this life and you should make the most of it. When I do eventually live in Thailand, no doubt I will have strong feelings of guilt and sorrow about maybe not seeing one or both of my parents again. To me this is the biggest problem about coming to Thailand to live.
This is where Thai culture and Western culture differ.
I have elderly parents and my main concern about going to Thailand to live is leaving them. However, they have no objection to me going. The western view point is that you only have one chance of experiencing this life and you should make the most of it. When I do eventually live in Thailand, no doubt I will have strong feelings of guilt and sorrow about maybe not seeing one or both of my parents again. To me this is the biggest problem about coming to Thailand to live.
Gary, you're in much the same situation, it seems. I did my share of globetrotting, but my parents were still healthy and vital. Only in the past year have I watched them become more fragile, both physically and mentally.
After a week by my 84-year-old father's bedside in an intensive care unit (he's recovering now), I can't see giving up any time we may have left. Being an only child probably has a great deal to do with it.
But then, I have my husband here and am not making a choice between partner and parents. I think that's a huge factor.
After a week by my 84-year-old father's bedside in an intensive care unit (he's recovering now), I can't see giving up any time we may have left. Being an only child probably has a great deal to do with it.
But then, I have my husband here and am not making a choice between partner and parents. I think that's a huge factor.
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valentine
Well suppose I'm the other end of the spectrum, I am the aging parent, 73, think that qualifies me for the title?Its nice to see the younger generation still care like you guys obviously do ,when you read so much about old folks being abandoned into homes and cared for by the state. However from my point of view I would hate to think my existence is in any way influencing my 46 year old daughters life, for good or bad. I've had my time and as I stated on here before, it has generally been a good life, its now her shot. When I divorced my last wife I lost my home in England, she gave me a home with her and husband.
Six months later I had to say bye bye my requirements were so different from her husbands that it caused conflict for her, which side should she be on .I decided to start again in Thailand, I was 68( I had been here for many years before)I had no intention of marrying again just wanted the adventure and simply to get off my backside. Money wasn't a problem so I was FREE to do what I liked. You couldn't have imagined the euphoria of not having to please anyone about anything, for the first time in my life I was number one and only consideration. Sounds a bit selfish as I write it here but it was great man. I eventually met up with my current wife and she's just adorable, so as they say, the best laid plans of mice and men etc. She's 30 years younger than me so more akin with my mental age.
I keep in touch with my baby(daughter) every week which is so easy now in this age of the internet and although I miss her and she obviously misses me we are getting on with our own lives, doing our own thing. She is in actual fact , envious of my freedom having still to work for a living, and often comments my life is far more exciting than her own.So what I'm really saying is. Have you discussed this through with your parents, you might find, as hard as it may seem , that they feel like me, almost glad to be away from you, and to think they may be a burden to you is definitely not on their cards. I realise that their state of health is a consideration, as I suppose , one day, mine will be, but thats a bridge to crossed when I reach the river.Remember , just because we get old we don't lose the ability to reason and decide our own future, we do have opinions and still voice them as many on the forum have found out.We think we still matter .
Hope this helps you all to understand the other side of the equation. Val
Six months later I had to say bye bye my requirements were so different from her husbands that it caused conflict for her, which side should she be on .I decided to start again in Thailand, I was 68( I had been here for many years before)I had no intention of marrying again just wanted the adventure and simply to get off my backside. Money wasn't a problem so I was FREE to do what I liked. You couldn't have imagined the euphoria of not having to please anyone about anything, for the first time in my life I was number one and only consideration. Sounds a bit selfish as I write it here but it was great man. I eventually met up with my current wife and she's just adorable, so as they say, the best laid plans of mice and men etc. She's 30 years younger than me so more akin with my mental age.
I keep in touch with my baby(daughter) every week which is so easy now in this age of the internet and although I miss her and she obviously misses me we are getting on with our own lives, doing our own thing. She is in actual fact , envious of my freedom having still to work for a living, and often comments my life is far more exciting than her own.So what I'm really saying is. Have you discussed this through with your parents, you might find, as hard as it may seem , that they feel like me, almost glad to be away from you, and to think they may be a burden to you is definitely not on their cards. I realise that their state of health is a consideration, as I suppose , one day, mine will be, but thats a bridge to crossed when I reach the river.Remember , just because we get old we don't lose the ability to reason and decide our own future, we do have opinions and still voice them as many on the forum have found out.We think we still matter .
Hope this helps you all to understand the other side of the equation. Val
Distance from Aging Parents
Yes, that perspective is quite helpful.
If my parents were just slightly younger and still capable of handling all the items on the daily to-do list, I think I'd feel differently. Unfortunately, my dad will no longer be able to maintain a 1-acre yard (oops, "garden" for the Brits) and my mom now has trouble bending to do housework. So -- I'm trying in the most respectful and gentle way possible to force the issue of a housekeeper and landscape maintenance (tried the housekeeper once before but Mother let her go because "I can do it better.")
Somewhere along the line is also the realization that their short-term memory is not as acute. Mother has quite a list of items that must be done in order to move Dad home from the hospital, but she's easily rattled and I'm checking on the progress (360 miles away) each day.
I think we'll go along in this mode for several more years, and that's OK for now.
If my parents were just slightly younger and still capable of handling all the items on the daily to-do list, I think I'd feel differently. Unfortunately, my dad will no longer be able to maintain a 1-acre yard (oops, "garden" for the Brits) and my mom now has trouble bending to do housework. So -- I'm trying in the most respectful and gentle way possible to force the issue of a housekeeper and landscape maintenance (tried the housekeeper once before but Mother let her go because "I can do it better.")
Somewhere along the line is also the realization that their short-term memory is not as acute. Mother has quite a list of items that must be done in order to move Dad home from the hospital, but she's easily rattled and I'm checking on the progress (360 miles away) each day.
I think we'll go along in this mode for several more years, and that's OK for now.
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Galee
- udonmap.com
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- Joined: July 12, 2005, 5:16 pm
- Location: Was Eastbourne, East Sussex. Now Udon.
Thanks Val for putting your point of view on the matter.
I guess my situation isn't quite so bad. My parents are in their late seventies and relatively healthy. I do have a younger brother, but it's not right to asume he will be there for them later on.
Should either of my parents take a turn for the worse I would allways fly home and stay to help out, where I could, but this would only be a short term solution.
Of course, if I meet someone in Thailand and get married, I'll have new in-laws to think about and probably be expected to help provide for them in their later years.
Very difficult to draw the line, where you put youself first, and others second. Guess you just do what your conscience tells you to do.
I guess my situation isn't quite so bad. My parents are in their late seventies and relatively healthy. I do have a younger brother, but it's not right to asume he will be there for them later on.
Should either of my parents take a turn for the worse I would allways fly home and stay to help out, where I could, but this would only be a short term solution.
Of course, if I meet someone in Thailand and get married, I'll have new in-laws to think about and probably be expected to help provide for them in their later years.
Very difficult to draw the line, where you put youself first, and others second. Guess you just do what your conscience tells you to do.
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arjay
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Yes, I too can relate to the issues and worries. My father is 86 this year and lives on his own. He has a lady come in to clean, once a week, but because he yearns company, he makes her sit down, chat, drink coffee and smoke, rather then keep the place clean and tidy.
His health is reasonable, has high BP, and a chesty cough, because he furtively took up smoking again after my mother died some years back, but has been forced to stop smoking now because if he does he coughs incessantly and can't breathe!
He writes things down to help the memory issue. One of the dangers with him is that if someone tries to sell him something, he buys it.
The main worry however, is that no one is on hand if anything goes wrong. To this end he's recently got an alarm system with a thing round his neck, linked to the local authority. My brother and I both live overseas. He visits two or three times a year. I visit once a year. Though we do have a sister living in the Uk.
His health is reasonable, has high BP, and a chesty cough, because he furtively took up smoking again after my mother died some years back, but has been forced to stop smoking now because if he does he coughs incessantly and can't breathe!
He writes things down to help the memory issue. One of the dangers with him is that if someone tries to sell him something, he buys it.
The main worry however, is that no one is on hand if anything goes wrong. To this end he's recently got an alarm system with a thing round his neck, linked to the local authority. My brother and I both live overseas. He visits two or three times a year. I visit once a year. Though we do have a sister living in the Uk.
like val Im at the other end of the spectrum at 61, own parents long gone and two sons one who lives in Canada and the other in London. I was worried about leavinfg son in Lodon who has his own company but has fpor years had me to fall back on when the going got tough.. Need not have bothered , I probably should have left years ago , seems to have brought the best out in him . And like Val the freedom is just wonderfull , even though Im in a relationdship over here , there is no kids , no tryig to keep everyone going , just me and g/f ,, wonder barrrrr
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arjay
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I'm actually in the position of having an elderly parent in the Uk and 2 offspring.
The children however are fortunately both in their mid-20's in stable relationships, good jobs and buying their own homes. So they are probably happy that the parental inteference is at a distance!
I do miss being able to chat and do things with them, but that said with the Internet, and SMS tel messaging, I am in touch on an almost daily basis. That works well both ways.
It's a shame that my father isn't into and couldn't cope with computers, so my contact with him is much less frequent.
The children however are fortunately both in their mid-20's in stable relationships, good jobs and buying their own homes. So they are probably happy that the parental inteference is at a distance!
I do miss being able to chat and do things with them, but that said with the Internet, and SMS tel messaging, I am in touch on an almost daily basis. That works well both ways.
It's a shame that my father isn't into and couldn't cope with computers, so my contact with him is much less frequent.
Finality
This presentation with musical accompaniment really catches at me, having lost my last remaining parent in mid-March just prior to her 90th birthday.
I'd last seen my Mother five months earlier, and in that time had only telephoned her three times prior to her unexpected death.
As might be imagined, this knowledge still does not sit at all well with me.
Anyway, sound up, all of you sons and daughters!
http://parentswish.com/
I'd last seen my Mother five months earlier, and in that time had only telephoned her three times prior to her unexpected death.
As might be imagined, this knowledge still does not sit at all well with me.
Anyway, sound up, all of you sons and daughters!
http://parentswish.com/
Garnet & Jack