wondering if I will be single by the afternoon?

[dougness]

Hi,everyone.I'm Udon and my wife and I had a argument.I just wanted her to write down her budget for me.She is hugely offended,saying its not the Thai way.Well I think we would all agree,its the Farang way.I kept my voice soft,but she is yelling,crying and phoning her Mother saying I want to go home like a five year old.She will decide whether she will break up with me by the afternoon.I told her before I came I would not have any extra money for this trip.She is claiming that I think she is stupid,I have never said that.And that she is carrying everything in her family.Well im in heavy debt myself and the one who is doing the heavy lifting.I wish I had said no more often to her,I guess I created unrealistic expectations for her and her family.She bottles up everything and explodes, on almost every trip here.I feel like im living a nightmare.Im not a quitter,so if she decides to leave,it wasn't me.Im wondering why Thais can't be more open and honest about thier finances with thier spouse?

[Aardvark]

Do yourself a favour Mate and walk away. If Money is that important to her it's a certainty that's all she wants from you, especially if she argues with you on every trip. You may find you are number four or five on her "Benefactors List". Walk away now, there are loads of lovely hard working honest ladies out there waiting for Mr Right to come along, save yourself the agro =D> =D>

[SanukJoe]

Doug, you are the one of the "mysterious caller" right?
If you combine the two stories I can only agree with Aardvark: walk out of this!
You told that she spent 20K on your behalf without your permission, now she argues with you about money you don't have?
My last post on the "caller" thread was about your relationship, I saw big problems there already.
Do yourself a favour: leave this woman as she is no good and considers you as a walking ATM, so show her ATM's can walk away too

I wish you all the best!
Joe

[globalwanderer]

Sounds to me it's time to walk!... sorry run!!!

[rickfarang]

SanukJoe has something there. The last time I heard that kind of protest from a woman (It was a long distance relationship), it turned out that she was spending most of her (my) money on her boyfriend(s). It took a long time for me to believe it even though a friend of mine, and even her sister were telling me about it.

If you are reluctant to walk out on her because you love her, ask yourself whether love has blinded you to something that you should be paying attention to.

If you are reluctant to walk out on her because you have invested so much in the relationship, ask yourself whether it was a good investment.

If you are reluctant to walk because you will be single, well, send me a PM and I think I (or any number of people) can hook you up with a number of honest woman. Believe me, its difficult to stay single around here for very long.

Just a note: When my wife and I first moved to Udon, she kept a spending diary down to the last baht for the first two baht. Then, we discussed her spending and came up with a monthly "allowance". That seemed to have worked pretty well since then.

[BobHelm]

I think it is important to establish exactly what the money situation is very early in the relationship & to reaffirm the position from time to time as well. Thai's have an unrealistic expectations of a Falang's wealth. These have been fueled by television & probably Falang behaviour on holiday that they have observed. It is important to sit down & discuss money matters sensibly, realistically & honestly.
When the opportunity arrives to spend money (& it will ) it is import to stress that to purchase A means that there will not be money to buy B. B must be an equally attractive purchase proposal.

[Allen A Hale]

I wouldn't be concerned about being a "quitter". It is far worse to be "stupid". Financial incompatibitlity is one of the better reasons to end a relationship. The money that is "spent" or wasted today is not available to support YOU tomorrow. How much does she care about you for this is such a major issue for her?

Don't worry about what other people will think of you. I am confident that when you take responsibility for the direction of your life and future you will feel better.

Think of Frank, Chairman of the Board, Sinatra - "I did it my way"
Good Luck.

[timthebrit]

if she decides to leave,it wasn't me.

If SHE decides to leave?? Whoa!! The advice of the previous posters is sound Dougness. This really is a no-brainer. why don't YOU decide to leave and save yourself an awful lot of grief.

[patriot]

Your timing is perfect Doug;
Ring out the old, Ring in the new.

[patriot]

And then your new year WILL be Happy

[parrot]

I thought it was "wring out the old, ring in the new"

[LoongLee]

Well Doug,,,, sounds like it's time to finally decide who wears the pants in your family. I absolutely DO NOT want to be the instigator of a couple's breakup but there's just too much questionable information here. If there is no way you two can live together but must remain separated because of work etc, I don't see anyway you can maintain a healthy relationship. There's just too much doubt and trust issues on both sides. There is a "tipping point" of words or actions in relationships that can not be undone. You may have reached it.

If you don't have kids, the problem becomes more manageable, just walk away. The huge problem then becomes one of "do you have the intestinal fortitude to say NO when she comes to her senses (with Momas help) and wants to come back?" Some couples develop relationships of codependency and can only exist when there is constant turmoil or crisis,,,,, which are you?

A clean break and avoidance of Udon for a period may be your best solution,,,, step back, take a big breath, clear your head, and get on with your life. best regards,,,LL

[Khun Paul]

Having read all the posts,and wondered how the hell you got this far without a problem, that is none of my business, but I do concur with the majority.
Whjat someone else thinks of you does not matter one jot, as long as whatever you do is snesible, non-violent and brings some peace to your life, I agree that in this situation there are really no winners, but to walk can take as much courage as not walking, the only difference is , that by walking you know that life will become better in the long run.

Take the advice or ignore it, be yourself and hold your head up high and go with your gut feeling.
Wring out the old and welcome the New with a clear head and open heart.

[Laan Yaa Mo]

None of this is our business, and it is odd that you bring your personal problems to us. It is a very bad sign that communication between you and your spouse is so poor that you have to air your laundry on Udonmap to say the least.

However, now that you mention it, I disagree with everything that has been written with the exception of the post by Khun Helm.

Why the rush to leave her? Do not listen to the posters who tell you it is New Year and the perfect time to run from your problems.

Try to speak with your wife. Ask her about her major concerns, what is important to her and why, and to make any issue your issue too. Then you do the same with her. Follow her to her village if need be. This is your wife, your marriage, after all, why throw it all away if there is a solution in sight. Garnering support from the boys on the forum may boost your ego somewhat, but it has nothing to do with your reality, and hers too.

This is your wife. This is your marriage. What are you going to do to save it? Don't humiliate the both of you by airing your troubles on this or any other forum.

Don't answer me, and don't answer the forum. This is private stuff. Work it out with your wife, and keep what goes on between you two.

By the way, she must be wondering, if you do not have extra money for this trip, why travel, save until you have money.

Anyway, I do not vote for running away because it will be 2010 soon, I vote for trying to keep your marriage together and doing everything you can toward that goal.

By the way it is -8 in Toronto this afternoon and will go down to -13 tonight, but feel like -25 with the wind.

Happy New Year!

[Stantheman]

I completely agree with Tilo, this is your life and marriage, not the members of the forum, you need to try and work out the problems. Talk, listen and try to understand your wife and do not judge her by western standards.

As a side note, if you take that -25 wind chill in Toranto and change it to a +25C you would almost have the high for Udon

[farangano]

Everyone, anywhere in The World in any country uses a budget. Thai's as well. If she says "that is not the Thai way" she is full of lies and she only has her information from some fantasy world - not this World which we (we as in normal people who knows what a budget encompasses).

She is trying to trick you into believing "it is not the Thai way" and she will tell you it is about smile and happiness. This is also a con-job she is pulling on you. Everyone is not happy all the time to say the least and Thai culture can only blame itself for The World's image of Thailand as a robbing country full thief's and trickery.

You will most like be told "that I farangano has a story to tell and I am not the one to listen to".Your story might be true or false but the picture is a common one.

Our and my word to you is this:

1. Ask her what 2+2 is. If she looks at you in a peculiar way as to say "What?!?!?" and/or she will ask you something like: "What has that got to do with it?" or she will cry etc. you know what to do. Get out. Reason? Anyone with no bad intentions will without any hesitation give the right answer and think no further of it.

2. Tell her that a Google search for "budget" and "thailand" gives about 33.200.000 results. See what her response is.
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&sour ... f&oq=&aqi=

3. Tell her that the word "budget" comes from the french word bougette meaning purse (wallet). But before you tell her ask her if she has a purse and/or wallet. Then point her to this article: "How a bougette became the Budget (and a bag a briefcase)" http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2004/ma ... eobserver6 and if she has difficulty reading and understanding english tell her it can be translated online - just to see if she can figure out how to do that as an extra test for you to see if she has anything else than "gold" between her ears. She probably does not.

--
With this you are set.

And as an extra bonus I want you to do this as well; you go out to eat and you invite her and you hand her 1000 THB and you tell her she can decide where to eat because you want to give her a change to explain how she is feeling about your problems.

As you are at the restaurant and she is explaining (read lying) you ask her why she chose this restaurant. Let her talk and ramble at this point. Once she eventually finishes talking (won't take more than 5 seconds I presume) you tell her that the 1000 THB was given to her to go eat and is was her "budget" hence in Thailand she indeed uses a budget and it is the Thai way since she just uses her budget to select a restaurant and food.

If she at this point is disillusioned you just calm her down and tell her it is Okay and learning is a process and you are only happy to assist her in learning about "the Thai ways".

At this point she should be tender and you know if she is Okay or just a scam woman. I guess the latter. She will at this point be furious and ignited with hate towards you. Don't worry. That was the whole point of this exercise - to learn. Tell you both learned a lot to night and you will sleep at a hotel and it is over. Bye bye (in Thai that means go go as in "piss of" incidentally. Pronounced more like Buy buy or Bai bai).

End of story.

Should you need any other advice it is always free and you are welcome to send a private message.

[beer monkey]

but she is yelling,crying and phoning her Mother saying I want to go home like a five year old.She will decide whether she will break up with me by the afternoon

I always remembered your posts Dougness.....and i re-call its not been plain sailing with your Girl (i take it it is the same one since you first started posting)...sounds tough alright, whats the worst that can happen..? 'She decides' to end it...then let her..., but i am sure she will be on the phone to you a few days after...then you will have the ball in your court, then play it how you want...be a bit harder grab the wheel and make some decisions yourself.

[Bandung_Dero]

--------She will decide whether she will break up with me by the afternoon.I told her before I came I would not have any extra money for this trip.---------

Most of us have had a bad time over the last 18 months but some of us have Thai spouses that fully understand and accept the situation for what it is and have tightened their purse strings accordingly. I haven't read your previous posts but it sounds like you have on going problems with her. IMO, if she can't even get a grip on word affairs time to encourage her decision.

[nkstan]

I am not for staying or quitting per say!I say decide what is acceptable to you,then within those boundaries you set,make a decision for you!

Being stressed out all the time is not acceptable to me!

If my wife refuses to consider my basic needs,after concerted discussion,she would have to leave,even after 10 years of marriage!Her understanding of this,is probably why we have lasted this long!It is not a one-way street,either way!

[dougness]

She cooled off a few hours later and acted like nothing had happened.Its very difficult to complete a sentance with her when she goes off.Next time I will just walk out.If I had the money I might have.I agree its not the place to air my dirty laundry,but you guys are the only ones who are married to these alien creatures.She is overly sensitive and does fly off the handle at any comment that she feels is offensive.She will have to change her thinking in Canada,because not everyone will share her Thai sensitivity.