It all happened one day 2 years ago, when my wifes sister wanted a nose job, so I brought them to Bio clinic and I headed for steves for a few early gargles, after about an hour I got a phone call from the wife to come and collect them, I duly arrived in reception. Next minute I was cordially "set upon" by both of them to glance through the farang "menu" to see what is possible in Thailand to make me younger , as I was half pissed I looked through the before and after fotos of farangs that had various procedures, facelifts etc.
I thought that they looked alright until my wife and sister kept mentioning I should have the bags under my eyes done , " you look a million per cent James Bond if you do etc. etc." I said ok I will have a look at the brochure and think about it. They kept talking in Thai about it and all I was interested in was my next drink as I had a bit of a thirst that day and was a bit 50 / 50. To cut to the chase the guy that was showing me all this was the """"Surgeon""""" and the wife said he had some time on his hands (no pun intended) before he had to go back to Pattaya to see his clients there.
I could not believe I was getting dragged into this but my defences were down with the few gargles I had, he said the eye lift is usually 16.000 baht but could do it """""""""NOW"""""""""" for 8000 baht cash. I was then heckled no end because of good price today from my T/W and will never get it again.
I said OK whats the story ? what will you do to me? Will it Hurt? and most importantly how long will it take???? ( I wanted more drink). He said I will operate and finish in 1 hour 30 minutes, I said OK but no longer than that as I have business in Udon today, Ok, Ok he said no problem come this way please, Starting to ---- myself I followed him into the Theatre).
Please take all your valubales money cigs, and jewlery out and put them on the counter, which I duly did, next he put the robe around me and asked me to lie down on the slab. This is where I got worried.
I had the Major lights shining down on me and rigged up to some "beeping" machine" in seconds. It started to seem like a scene from a Gestapo movie I couldnt see anybody but he was asking me many questions like, do I have diabetes , am I allergic to anything, etc, I said no but I do take tranquilisers and I would not mind a few now , there over on the table. He said never mind you will not need them in a minute, how right he was................
He said you under anasthetic before, I said no but I have been under morphine and df118 many times ( great stuff BTW) in hospital in Thailand, I even have a gold card for Pattaya Memorial hospital for being their best customer for 2 years in a row entitling me to 10% discount.
He said this is different we are going to put you under 95% anasthetic and it will work fast, He wasnt F@@individual joking he jabbed me in the hand and about 4 to six seconds later I just got a Hot Sunami going through my system that really put the shits up me!!!!!!!!!! I tried to get up but my whole body was paralysed, they wiped my eyes (Emmm literally) and put something over them also shoved something in my mouth so I could not speak either.
Now for the main point I will NEVER EVER FORGET IN MY LIFE, I was somewhat awake but I suddenly started flying skyward through Mushrooms Yes Mushrooms , white F@@individual mushrooms, I can take a joke but this took the McVities big time, I could not move speak or anything so I thought to myself this it "the big one" the ---- I had been looking at on national geographic , and belive it or not on TV was finally here , I am history , dead, no more, **** it anyway I thought all these white mushrooms must be what the out of body experience is. As all I could do was think I thought to myself why O why did I come here I seen uglier looking farangs than me and that Ba@@ard surgeon is going to get away with it because he will say I overdosed on my on prescriptions before he started!!!!!!!!
I was totally paranoid at this point and could hear and see nobody also I had no sense of time I freaked!!!!!!!!! I tried to say hello hello but it must of sounded like mefff mefff or somthing like that with that yoke in my mouth, but no, nobody came nobody heard, so I resigned myself to being history and I am on my way to some ******* mushroom factory so there is no heaven at all, I was pissed with that also.
Then............. somebody tapped me on the shoulder which nearly gave me a cardiac arrest (if you can have one of them when your dead) or else its that mushroom guy going to give me hell for what I got up to down below. No it was the surgeon"""thanks be to jesus"""" he said Sir you Ok, You Ok??? I said miffff miffff till he pulled that stopper out of my mouth, I said doctor doctor am I alive he said of course you are we had to leave you for 40 minutes to make sure the anasthetic went through all my bodily veins, so I mumbled thanks you finished now?? No we start know and you may feel hurt a little bit for the next while!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all I could think now was a nice quite little farang I am , out for a nice afternoon few bevvys and here I am with the butcher of Udon and the 2 witches I.E. my t/w and sister reading bloody magazines in reception.
So he started some sort of machine , I could not see it but it seemed to be whirring around like some sort of dentist tool. He started cutting the bags under my eye which was ok. Then he apparently cut away some fat i.e. the bags under my eyes, worst to come.................. he started using that "THING" a revolving scalpel to cut right under my lower eyelash , constantly touching off the white of my eye. I knew he was doing damage """ but who am I to talk"""(PUN INTENDED).
Ok other things happened but I wont go on. I wouldnt happen in the life of Brian. Anyway they finished him and his accomplice (nurse) he said ok ok fini Sir.
Being the recovery merchant that I am I slowly got my arms on the side of the slab and pushed myself up, took off whatever he had on my eyes , the plug out of my mouth and looked over to my left. I am still terrified at this point but I could see them wiping blood from implements and other parafanalia vice grips and ---- like that. I said to myself time to do a runner, I fell over towards my smokes and money etc. was getting them into my jeans and they caught me!!! where you go???? where you go???? you very sick for many hours now he said, with that another accomplice (nurse) opened a door and holding my shoulder said you sleep long time now, I replied **** off or something like that and staggered towards reception hitting off every wall on the way. I was like a rotheweiller wanting to see those 2 in reception that put me through this. What was their reaction?? well Briann Briann you look very good why you not do big facelift they cut around your head and pull up to top of head then you look suai suai mack mack. Bollox was my answer to that and I did not speak to them for 3 days. I went outside and sat on the kerb had three FAGS IN 5 MINUTES , my head was spinning but I still jumped into the motor and drove home 15ks . Dont know how but I did, but as my own doctor said a silver bullet wouldnt kill me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So if you would like an exciting afternoon take my advice and go to Steves bar Get Pissed listen to nobody and keep telling yourself there is uglier bastards than you.
Sorry for the long post but I could go on as I have been in hospital 28 time in Thailand alone, I should be brought in as a consultant if any of you have any serious surgery coming up!!!!!!!!!!!
Like every 3 days in Pattaya I was marched accross the central road in my hospital gown with no less than 2 security guards a doctor with them holding up a drip each side , one with morphine
to the ATM to give them 40.000 Baht deposit every 3 days. Mind you they did let me stop at a bar for a drink on the way back each time.Cheers Sabai
I walked out of hospital after 18 hours and suprised the hell out of hospital staff again!
( Before your 18 extractions ) 