saw the 999 and had to push it
Consolidated Joke Thread
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Markuslig@hotmail.com
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(just boosting my posting numbers up a bit) Glen 2
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Irish Alan
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Breakfast at the White House
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton," and the waitress storms away.
Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...."It's pronounced 'quiche'."
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton," and the waitress storms away.
Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...."It's pronounced 'quiche'."
I received an email recently asking for help....but I'm not in a position to do anything only because I have a heart problem ....maybe you can? Here's the email:-
Re: Cambodian Foster Children
I have been contacted by an associate in Cambodia who is responsible for relocating young people displaced during the troubles there. Whilst the actual conflict is now over, and the majority of refugees have returned home, there are many others who have not - quite simply because they have no home to go to. My associate has asked me to help find homes for a pair of twins preferably in Europe or the USA. and they must stay together
I attach a rather tatty family photo of the twins, and, whilst I regret that I will be unable to offer them a home, I hope that someone will want to take them. Maybe you? or maybe you know somebody who would like to help!
At this time the twins have nothing; no money; no shoes; and no clothes.
If you do want to offer them a home you will have to provide all of these
things. Most importantly they will need lots and lots of your love and attention.
I hope that you will be able to help them , if not maybe you know some one who can, please help
Re: Cambodian Foster Children
I have been contacted by an associate in Cambodia who is responsible for relocating young people displaced during the troubles there. Whilst the actual conflict is now over, and the majority of refugees have returned home, there are many others who have not - quite simply because they have no home to go to. My associate has asked me to help find homes for a pair of twins preferably in Europe or the USA. and they must stay together
I attach a rather tatty family photo of the twins, and, whilst I regret that I will be unable to offer them a home, I hope that someone will want to take them. Maybe you? or maybe you know somebody who would like to help!
At this time the twins have nothing; no money; no shoes; and no clothes.
If you do want to offer them a home you will have to provide all of these
things. Most importantly they will need lots and lots of your love and attention.
I hope that you will be able to help them , if not maybe you know some one who can, please help
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marjamlew
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- Location: Melbourne, Australia
- Contact:
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Chinse Businessman called out "Move it, time is money".
The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The Chinse Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave soles"
The Aussie said, "Why can't they f*kcing play at night?"
The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Chinse Businessman called out "Move it, time is money".
The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The Chinse Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave soles"
The Aussie said, "Why can't they f*kcing play at night?"
Watch Me!!
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marjamlew
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- Joined: March 13, 2006, 2:00 am
- Location: Melbourne, Australia
- Contact:
afl iq
'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. (Shane Wakelin).
'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.' (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).
'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.' (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).
'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.' (Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training).
Brock MacLean ( Melbourne ) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt : 'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'
'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.' (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).
Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games 'It's basically the same, just darker.'
Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'
Barry Hall ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season: 'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'
'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'(Dermott Brereton).
' Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.' (Mark Williams).
'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.'(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.' (Luke Darcy - GO DOGS).
'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.' (Dermott Brereton).
'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.' (Adrian Anderson).
'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. (Andrew Demetriou).
'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.' (Dermott Brereton).
'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that .........' (Terry Wallace).
Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?' David Swartz: 'On what?'
'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.' (Dermott Brereton).
'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' (Dermott Brereton).
'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.' (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).
'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.' (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).
'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.' (Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training).
Brock MacLean ( Melbourne ) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt : 'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'
'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.' (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).
Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games 'It's basically the same, just darker.'
Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'
Barry Hall ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season: 'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'
'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'(Dermott Brereton).
' Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.' (Mark Williams).
'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.'(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.' (Luke Darcy - GO DOGS).
'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.' (Dermott Brereton).
'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.' (Adrian Anderson).
'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. (Andrew Demetriou).
'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.' (Dermott Brereton).
'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that .........' (Terry Wallace).
Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?' David Swartz: 'On what?'
'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.' (Dermott Brereton).
'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' (Dermott Brereton).
Watch Me!!
A Greek and an Irishman
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'
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beer monkey
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A priest and a rabbi were reading one day at the library.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.' The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?'
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.' The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?'
always the same dangerous combination:
Russians and Vodka.....
Watch it here on video
http://youtube.com/watch?v=oeSxVujpRRU
Russians and Vodka.....
Belarus Football Federation suspend drunken referee
By Telegraph staff
Last Updated: 12:40pm BST 10/07/2008
A prominent international referee has been suspended for alleged alcohol abuse after he had to be helped off the pitch at a Belarus league match.
# YouTube: Drunk referee escorted from pitch
# Premier League Transfer Talk
Sergei Shmolik, who officiated at Wembley for England's 6-0 victory over Luxembourg in 1999, was escorted off the pitch, ostensibly because of back pain, at the end of Saturday's match between Vitebsk and Naftan.
Sergei Shmolik
Blotto: Shmolik gleefully waves to the crowd as he is escorted off the pitch
The stadium crowd were stunned by Shmolik's peculiar behaviour. The referee was hardly moving by the end of the match, which ended in a 1-1 draw, as he officiated the game from the centre circle, refusing to go to his pocket for any cards throughout.
Russian television footage shows Shmolik, only last year voted the best referee in Belarus, waving to the crowd as he staggers off the pitch, attempting to brush off an official's attempts to prop him up.
The 43-year-old was later was taken to the hospital for a test, which showed high levels of alcohol in his system.
The Belarus football federation said Shmolik's case will be subject to a disciplinary committee.
"I haven't seen a drunk referee before. It's just beyond my comprehension," said Belarus national coach Berndt Stange, who was at the game.
A Belarus Football Federation spokesman said: "We cannot comment until the end of investigation into what happened in Vitebsk. At the moment Shmolik is suspended from his refereeing duties."
Watch it here on video
http://youtube.com/watch?v=oeSxVujpRRU