Consolidated Joke Thread

[Seaserpent]

[Muni]

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"

She replies: "Because sometimes I really miss mine."

[Irish Alan]

That is a great joke... Must be only the 20th time it has been posted this month.

[Whiskeybravo]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues again. Then the man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[Whiskeybravo]

INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given
name was Onestone.' He hated that name and asked everyone not to call
him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that anymore. Then one day
a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning,
Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the
forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to
her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would
do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said,'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????...........................

OH, Come on... take a guess!

Think about it...

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is...?

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

[farang]

=D> =D> =D> LOL

[UdonExpat]

A Bird Named Moses


A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables.

He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze. When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus'

[Lionheart]

>>A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
>>
>>"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
>>
>>Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
>>
>>Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
>>
>>The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
>>
>>Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
>>
>>She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
>>
>>She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
>>
>>(you're gonna love this)
>>
>>
>>(its a real treat)
>>
>>(a masterpiece)
>>
>>(wait for it)
>>
>>
>>The bank manager looks back at her and says...
>>
>>"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


>>(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
>>
>>Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
>>Have a nice day.

[jingjai]

I Thought I was a cowboy until . . .



An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, So I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other

side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was,

but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

[BKKSTAN]

> Medical Alert - URGENT
>
> The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
> contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
> hand, and even electronically.
>
> This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you
> receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any
> means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private
> life completely.
>
> If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the
> premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase
> one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)
> and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
>
>
>
>
>
> Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated
> from your system.
>
> You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you
> do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
> controlling your life

[UdonExpat]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who are the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There' s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

[jingjai]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[UdonExpat]

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding
where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom
looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might
kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main
staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in
the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened
to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I
thought he meant his money!!"

[UdonExpat]

ALL GRANDDADS, HEED THIS WARNING: Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Hot Dogs, Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

[UdonExpat]

I've often been asked, “What do you do, now that you're retired?”

I say, “Well, I don't have much of a chemical background, but one of the things I enjoy the most is turning beer into urine!”

[polehawk]

Gotta do something to get rid of that image of the pretty girl and the turd.....maybe a boring joke or two will do it.....



A man was on a train, mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand. After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process

[UdonExpat]

Obsessions!


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Connie, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving, your brother's Peter and Willy are waiting for us.'

[bumper]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be
happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

[UdonExpat]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer, when suddenly Bubba says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'

[tamada]

ENGLISH LAWYER V SCOTTISH COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON
and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop
sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence
and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvtae come tae a complete
stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration;and you give me the
ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the ---- out of the
lawyer and says,
'Now, dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'