Consolidated Joke Thread

[beer monkey]

Wild Things.




An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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Lost Glass Eye



A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

[tamada]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Gracie, the wonder dog, at Tesco's and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

[tamada]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a
virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he
whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I
give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. you juss
ask... so... whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,
which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have
heard about from other gurls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he
asks her...

"You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegable in 3 individual sauce right now?"

[beer monkey]

An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back
home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his 'tool' covered with bright green and purple freckles .

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'. The man looks a little perplexed and says 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc'.

The doctor answers 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your 'tool'.
The man screams in horror 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'.

The doctor replies 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice'.

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims 'Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease'.The guy says to the doctor 'Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do?

My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!'

'Oh Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes' says the Chinese doctor 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money'.

[stokiebaz]

1. .met a lady the other night,quite fit for 57,she asked if i had ever tried a mother and daughter threesome,excited i said no so we went to her place and she shouted upstairs,mum you still awake; .2; they invented new viagra sugar,doesn,t taste too nice but stops your biscuits going soft when you dunk em.. :-" ...stokiebaz.

[laphanphon]

[beer monkey]

Whats Homer Simpson saying..(above picture)

[polehawk]

Whats Homer Simpson saying..(above picture)

Mmmm, camel toe!

[beer monkey]

Whats Homer Simpson saying..(above picture)

Mmmm, camel toe!

Mmmm don't know what happened to that link.....it was Homer saying something.

[cyclist]

Here's on for all those Irishmen who are fed up with being on the Butt end of all those jokes from the nasty people from across the sea.

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an
English guy, an Irish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde
Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright
red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped
his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and
fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The English guy thinks:
That Paddy (Irish) bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she
tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.



And the Irish guy thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English
bastard again.....

[jingjai]

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still

heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here
to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment

and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them,
Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
closely......



' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '

[beer monkey]

Anyone fancy some soup...

[farang]

served with a bottle of..


LOL

[BobHelm]

They are not joking farang, few of them and everything is crippled...

[beer monkey]

or if you are tea-total and don't drink booze.

[beer monkey]

A little snack maybe...only if you are man enough.....

[beer monkey]

Or a nibble on some juicy pussy....

[beer monkey]

He was so big he could only get half inn....

[beer monkey]

Q. What is the difference between a circus and a brothel...?
A. A circus has a cunning array of stunts.

[Geordie]

A bride on her wedding night says to new husband,"Darling i have a confession to make,I used to be a hooker".
He replied,"Thats alright dear what is in the past is past,actually i find it quite erotic, tell me about it".


"OK my name was Nigel and i played for Wigan".!!!!!!!!!!!