Sin Sod in Udon

[tongoy]

I got engaged with a woman from Udon Thani last October. We want to get married in Udon in February. Up to now all went well. But now the father of my bride thinks that he won in a lottery that his daughter will marry a farang. I'm German by the way. I respect the Thai traditions, also the Sin Sod, even if it is a Chinese tradition brought to Thailand. Anyway, but I don't want to pay an unnormal price. They expect 1 up to 1.5 mio Baht! My bride is getting 30 in April and she is divorced, was married 2 years with a Thai before. She has not a good education, her English is very basic that I pay an English teacher for her right now who teaches her every day an hour. Her parents have a very simple open street restaurant (50 Baht per dish) and the living standard is very poor. Some months they have problems to pay the monthly expenses.
I'm not willing to pay such a huge amount for the Sin Sod. I paid already gold for her for 70 000 Baht, paid the engagement party (20 000 Baht), bought a new motorcycle (40 000 Baht) and new mobile (12 000 Baht) for her. Since October I support her life with 20 000 Baht each month.
I read about the Sin Sod before and thought I made a normal offer, but I was shocked when I got the answer from the father. I offered 100 000 Baht for the parents, to pay the party again (I expect around 300 Baht per person, right?) and offer to support the parents with 20 000 Baht each month as I paid it for my bride already. My bride thinks that this is like zero and that her parents will not allow her to marry me with this "small" Sin Sod.
Can somebody give me an advice, how to negotiate this with her parents? I think my offer is more than fair already.

[rufus]

Tongoy, I think your offer is more than generous. I would not pay this much. I would also be disappointed if my wife to be thought that "this is like zero". I don't like saying this to you, but if she really thinks that, do you think she is the right prospective life partner for you?

[trubrit]

30 years old, uneducated, previously married?You ask whats normal? Straight answer. If you were Thai, then nothing, however as a farang it would be polite to pay for the wedding party. If your intended is not happy at that then its time to reclaim that motorbike and head for them there hills. Sorry but that's the way it is up here. As for that 20k a month, there are some guys on here keeping a family and themselves on that.

[frederico]

Sin Sod!

Thats really terrible that some Thais wants to maelk a farang like a caw, thats bad Thais they do that and its not normal.
I have been married now for 15 years and I paid 50.000 Baht for everything, my wife was 20 years old when we got married and she is very nice.
At you give her all the things including 20.000 pr month is absolutely all to much. You have to find a good wife because she is not a good one and her parents too.
I,m a volonteer at the tourist police and possibly I can help you if you want it.
For this lady I want to pay 10.000 for Sin Sod and not more.

[beer monkey]

1.5 Million Baht...!!!!!

Don't mean to sound harsh but....
You are paying big money already tongoy and sound very generous with it...they have Baht signs tattooed on their eyelids and thats all they can see, shame its like this but thats the way it is with some Thai familys, and as for your GF saying its 'zero' amount i would consider taking time and looking elsewhere,THAT is a slap in the face as she is totally being guided by the money it sounds.
Up to 10k a month would still be very generous for a 'Family' who area actually working so i wonder why they need so much,(If any)...wonder how much she/they got per month before you met up....??
Its all Them Them Them...!!!!

How long have you known her in total tongoy..?

Tread very carefully....look beyond the 'smile'.

Again don't take these responces the wrong way, they could save you from misery in the long run.

[papaguido]

Don't you think you already paid enough into the relationship?

Supporting your fiancée with 20,000bt is more than generous and then to offer to support her parents with 20,000bt a month and they can't except your sin sod offer then it's time to reclaim what you can and run...

[tongoy]

Thanks all for your fast and honest replies. I thought already that I would get such replies. It confirms my opinion.
Beer monkee, I know her thru a dating page internet and I went last October first time to Udon Thani to see her and get known abvout her life. She is working in the restaurant of her parents, she never left Udon province before and never have seen the beach before I met her. I believe this, because she was not able to trun on the shower in Bang Chiang hotel and in Hua Hin she broke even the shower head. I took her to a Thai friend of mine in Hua Hin and she confirmed me after talking to her that she was telling me the truth about her life. I don't think that she tries to cheat me. I think more your opinion with the tatooed Baht eyelids is correct.
Frederico, in case I'm wrong with this opinion I might get back to your offer.

[woody]

i give lessons on how to hang on to your $ and thai culture
cheep
69k on how to avoid the red and yellow shops
19k on a big party with people YOU know
39K for a 20 year old suzi love 2 stroke
11k for and original vintage nokia (not working)
and no ongoings

score: a zero

[laphanphon]

tell them you will buy them a 5 million baht house, but first you must liquidate all that has already been giving to them. get as much liquid assets back as you can, AND..................................

RUN LIKE HELL......................F' them all.

#1, being married before, no sin sot

2. you already giver her too much monthly money now, unles she is running the household on that amount.

3. why would the father expect any monthly payment after marriage, not only is he selling you his daughter, after the sale, you are renting her.

there is no negotiation they will even come close to what realilty should be. which is, you are going to take care of their daughter and provide a life she wouldn't of expected, since divorced, no thai will want here, let alone pay another sin sot.

did i say RUN as fast and as far as you can.

1nd post, nice troll, or ignorance is bliss. wake up to the hard reality that you are nothing but a walking ATM, when empty, which will be soon, you will be discarded as an expired card should. let me guess, the family has land and want you to build a house on it, so everyone can stay close

[BKKSTAN]

The basic problem as I see it ,is your actions initially.You have set the expectations so high because of your ignorant and ,probably,wanting to please splurging of money!
20K amonth,5 baht of gold,50+K for M/B and phone and ,yes,20K for the engagement party with no firm agreement about sin sod or not!

You might have taken a very nice person and put her in a position to allow her family to think that you can easily afford to pay a very large sinsod and you will probaly lose her now by not doing it!

You have two options,either do it or not.Sadly you will probably regret either decision.The emotional attachment is very tough,but you have already condemned your future together,so the second option and its ''short term pain''is all that is left,unless you are willing to suffer until your money is gone.

I would sit the lady down and explain what your boundaries and expectations are and if she is still interested,then you could both talk to the parents and agree that all sinsod will be returned!

I don't like your chances ,but good luck!!!WTF was the 20k a month for?She already had a home,job and family!

[Henrie]

A Thai man would never pay sinsod for a secondhand lady, who is married before.
If you give here 20.000 thb a month, you give here in fact 3 or 4 monthsalaries.
We all made perhaps beginnersmistakes, but give know your sence priority instead of your feelings.
It is very difficult to turn things back, almost impossible they do not accept.
There is more fish in the sea, so run , run, run en become wize of normal standards.
Good luck

[beer monkey]

Beer monkee, I know her thru a dating page internet and I went last October first time to Udon Thani to see her and get known about her life

So the October just gone.? only 2 months back !!...its a very short time(maybe only 3-4 weeks together..??) How can you really know her that well that you want to marry her .? so it seems you are jumping straight in at the deep end, i would sit her down and explain a few things (Ground rules) and see what the reaction is.

She may have lead a bit of a sheltered life...but not sheltered enough to punt herself on the net and to give you some emotional blackmail early on in the relationship.....
Also the Net seems full of Thai Girls wanting a partner...nothing wrong in that but you also need to be sure that no-one else is in the frame too, they all know someone that has struck gold from it so maybe that want a slice of the cake too....again sorry to sound to negative and maybe all this is not what you wanted to hear but you need to go in with 'Eyes wide open...and not shut', take note of all the posters...all opinions are worth taking on board before you make a firm decision, and the old saying goes..'Plenty More Thai Fish In the sea'...well i know Udon is land-locked but you get the drift.

[aznyron]

Let me say this to all of you who pay sin sod it is your choice to pay and the amount is your choice
but consequence go with it the more you give the more they expect from you. also some of you just shower the lady just to get her to be with you when she doesn't love you so you buy her & her family
if that is your goal then what ever happens to you it your own fault and please don't come crying in here
we heard it all and most of us done it all. this question has been around a while and many of us have different opinions that does not mean we are right or wrong it means that we look at things differently

[lepidoptra]

Tongoy
I just wish that I'd had access to the advice that you've been given when I first came to Thailand. Most posts have been written by guys as a result of experiences they have gained over a long period of living in Thailand. You seem like a nice generous guy but you're looking at Thailand through rose coloured specs. You know the Beatles song " Can't buy me love" cause that's the trap you seem to be falling into. Tell your girlfriend that you've fallen on hard times and cashflow is a bit difficult. See what reaction you get when you tell her you cannot support her family for a few months.
I fell into your trap about 5 years ago. I had to learn the hard way. You Don't have to
Please take care> DO NOT LET YOUR HEART RULE YOUR HEAD(or any other part of the body come to that)
Regards

[astrid]

Make a U-turn before it is to late.......

[tongoy]

I would sit the lady down and explain what your boundaries and expectations are and if she is still interested,then you could both talk to the parents and agree that all sinsod will be returned!

I totally agree with your advice. Thank you. That is what I'm doing right now. I will see what her reaction will be.

again sorry to sound to negative and maybe all this is not what you wanted to hear

It is what I was afraid to hear, but better a short term pain than a never ending pain.

Thanks again to all for your open words.

[Irish Alan]

I'd like to be a fly on that household's wall. What do you think they discuss? YOUR future, your feelings or your happiness? They have only one item on the agenda. Get as much money out of you as they can as quick as they can. The do not want a lower sin sod with monthly payments as you could always move on.

What was her previous husband's profession? It can't have been much if their living standards are poor. If she were to marry a Thai man now would he pay the family 1 million Baht? Their ship has come in and they now seek to milk you for every Baht that they can.

Is she still on that dating website? I would say she is just in case you don't cough up she is keeping her options open.

Time to say Auf Wiedersehen.

[astrid]

Tongoy !

I had a rather long " story " with a woman from Bkk.
High education, good job,good looking 35, no children, divorced.
Good English.

Her expectations : 30-35000 Bath a month to live on
for the 2 of us ( if she did not work ) per month.
Including " woman stuff for her 5000 " and renting a townhouse.
Sin Sod to her old mother 50 000 ( up to you ). Some gold,
10 000 + party about 10 000 Bath.

I made clear that that would be our budget, fine with her.

The numbers that your girl is talking about is something else !?

Anyway as other say, good luck whatever will be.

[banpaeng]

I am not sure if this is another troll or not but asking a group of strangers about what is your business is bull. You then go on to say you have already done this once before but you want to ask anyway.

This has been discussed many times on this forum to the same end. Do what you want to do and most advice given is just up for debate.

[beer monkey]

I am not sure if this is another troll or not but asking a group of strangers about what is your business is bull. You then go on to say you have already done this once before but you want to ask anyway.

Can't see where he says he done this before...

And what a good place to get opinions of strangers with years of experiance, why is it 'bull' asking this sort of stuff, i reckon a lot of men in the past would of got something out of a forum like this on certain matters..., couldn't of asked in a better place imo...and opinions are what they all are.