The best complaint letter ever?

[Irish Alan]

This is a letter recently received by the Virgin Atlantic customer complaints team and is currently being hailed on news blogs, such as this one on The Telegraph as possibly the funniest customer complaint letter ever.

We called the Virgin Atlantic press office and they confirmed they received the letter and that Richard Branson himself called the author to thank him for the feedback.

Here's the letter.

Dear Mr Branson

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it:
I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don't get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it's next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That's got to be the clue hasn't it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in:

I know it looks like a baaji but it's in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you'll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It's only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what's on offer.

I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:
Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It's mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it's baffling presentation:
It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn't want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on:
I apologise for the quality of the photo, it's just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson's face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel:
Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I'd had enough. I was the hungriest I'd been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations:

Yes! It's another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard.... What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I'd done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn't eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can't imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It's just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it's knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincererly...

[Astana]

Classic and much to be admired =D>

[westerby]

Just read it on the Telegraph website, the funniest letter I've seen for ages (I don't get out much).

[beer monkey]

I just read it on here, and no where else...strange looking food,so what was the outcome from Virgin..?

[Aardvark]

My wife works at the Airport packing the food trays for various Airlines. When we travel she refuses to touch it. When I ask her why, she says she's watched them cook it

[westerby]

I just read it on here, and no where else...

That's because you only read Mills and Boon...

[beer monkey]

C'mon westers...you must know what happened, you being in the aircraft industry and all that...?

[westerby]

C'mon westers...you must know what happened, you being in the aircraft industry and all that...?

Of course, the Company that won the contract for supplying in flight catering to Wirgin employs newly arrived immigrants and Asylum Seekers to assemble the meals. Unfortunately they are unfamiliar with their host nation's cuisine and speak very little Ingrish.

[beer monkey]

Ok thanks for that westers.

I can't really say i have ever had a good memorable meal on a Long haul flight, THAI used to do some decent stuff on buisness class (In land)...but all long haul stuff i can't stand the smell especially the morning breakfast, so normally stick with a cheese/meats and biscuit selection and the dessert items are ok...would defo give that wirgin nosh a wide berth.....

[Galee]

Yeuk.

I hardly ever eat a meal on a plane. Much prefer to fill out at BK and take a few snacks on board to eat during the flight. It always amuses me the look of amazement on the hostess face when you say, "no thank you".
You can tell I only fly "cattle class"

[aznyron]

I can't afford the meals on planes so I make sure my belly is full before boarding as for international flights I wait until I leave the USA air space then meals are FREE amazing isn't

[Aardvark]

I'm sure the meals are included in the price of your Ticket Ron, which is why I eat them no matter how bad they taste. Actually Thai put on a nice little Fish Curry on my way home a couple of weeks back !!

[martynsnowman]

ron , if you fly domestic in the usa you have to buy your inflight meals ???
i,ve never heard of that, every meal i,ve been offered has always been free in flight .
but from u.k .

[Galee]

ron , if you fly domestic in the usa you have to buy your inflight meals ???
i,ve never heard of that, every meal i,ve been offered has always been free in flight .
but from u.k .

I'm not 100% sure but i think that budget airlines, such as Ryanair and Easyjet now charge you for food.

[aznyron]

Marty yes domestic flights inside the USA charge for all meals including snacks like peanuts & soft drinks
If you fly international your meals are free once you leave USA air space amazing isn't

[arjay]

I think if I was replying to the letter, I would have to start something like, .....

Dear Mr Customer,

Thank you for bringing this up to my attention. I must admit the rather vivid photos did rather conflict with my breakfast this morning, (well with the buttered kippers anyway).

I don't know what must ard gone wrong, but I propose if I may, to regurgitate on your culinary nightmare, and to research the source of your rather vivid experiences with our local Indian in flight caterers.

In the meantime, I hope you will not think I am trying to curry favour by sending you a free voucher for Rashid's Indian takeaway, and do hope you will not dessert us.

Yours Sincerely etc,

PS. What digital camera do you use?

[747man]

ron , if you fly domestic in the usa you have to buy your inflight meals ???
i,ve never heard of that, every meal i,ve been offered has always been free in flight .
but from u.k .

I'm not 100% sure but i think that budget airlines, such as Ryanair and Easyjet now charge you for food.

Galee, Your CORRECT 100% Budget Airlines do charge, The same for Nok & Air asia within Thailand ( Domestic flights )

[beer monkey]

Yes even some flights to Thailand now charge for food/booze....

[747man]

Yes even some flights to Thailand now charge for food/booze....

Sean, Which Airlines ?? You mean Charter ??

[beer monkey]

Yeah Charter...and Air Asia (Cheap Deals) you pay.