An elderly man walks into a confessional... The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
How I learned to mind my own business
*How I learned to mind my own business*
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on......
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on......
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
Kids Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'.
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie. Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'.
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie. Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
-
Dagnabbit
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 40
- Joined: October 10, 2008, 12:43 am
- Location: Echo November ten (maidenhead)
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar
and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
corner table. He
gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest,
biker in the face and
says:
'I went by your grandma's house today
and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked.
Man, she is one fine looking
woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
would fight at
the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and
says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever
had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but
the biker still
says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else,
boy,
your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the
eyes and
says.....................
'Grandpa;....... Go home!
You're drunk.' . ..
and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
corner table. He
gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest,
biker in the face and
says:
'I went by your grandma's house today
and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked.
Man, she is one fine looking
woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
would fight at
the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and
says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever
had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but
the biker still
says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else,
boy,
your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the
eyes and
says.....................
'Grandpa;....... Go home!
You're drunk.' . ..
-
Pakawala
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1315
- Joined: August 3, 2006, 9:29 pm
- Location: A golf course when not at home.
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
Especially for LA...
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The Bartender brings the following items on the bar:
A salt shaker,
A shot of Baileys,
A shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue,
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth,
And finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth,
Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....
3. After three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like Consistency hits.....
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
“Jesus what do you call that drink?”
She smiles widely at him and says………………………………………………………
'Blow Job Revenge.'
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The Bartender brings the following items on the bar:
A salt shaker,
A shot of Baileys,
A shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue,
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth,
And finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth,
Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....
3. After three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like Consistency hits.....
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
“Jesus what do you call that drink?”
She smiles widely at him and says………………………………………………………
'Blow Job Revenge.'
Hurricane 'Senga' Hits Scotland
Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Maryhill district of Glasgow in the early
hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round
aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?" The hurricane
decimated the area causing approximately £9,000 worth of
improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from
Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically
important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police
state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were
particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the
hurricane struck.
Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Elmbank
Street , rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later
today. Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with
the fact that something interesting had happened in Maryhill .
One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said
"It gied me a pure fright so's it did... ma wee Chardonnay-
Mercedes came running intae ma bedroom greetin'. Ma youngest
two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade slept through it all.
Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching Trisha the next
morning, so ah wiz". Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said
"The noise wiz pure tremendous man. At first ah thoat it wiz
the young team coming oot of The Bugle Bar, but it wiz even worser " .
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Bon Accord Pola Cola and two tons of Cheese Toasties to the area to
help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching the
rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including
Benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers. Residents in
neighbouring Ruchill offered to accommodate those left homeless,
but the Maryhill people decided they were better off where they were.
A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take at least a
full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has
been a Blitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".
Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents
to refurbish their homes. The Government has pledged to ensure that
bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as
possible.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for
those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball
caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits
(female), white sport socks, (2 furra pounda!) Rockport boots or
Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required. Please
try to include - Microwave chips, Greggs Pies , Sugar Puffs, Tins
of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of
Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado ,
glue or hairspray. Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the
compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family
of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter.
*Breaking News*
Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble.
Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco - Pop. When
asked where she was bleeding from she replied " Craigmont Avenue ,
whit's it got to dae wi' you ya f*dd?"
hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round
aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?" The hurricane
decimated the area causing approximately £9,000 worth of
improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from
Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically
important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police
state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were
particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the
hurricane struck.
Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Elmbank
Street , rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later
today. Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with
the fact that something interesting had happened in Maryhill .
One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said
"It gied me a pure fright so's it did... ma wee Chardonnay-
Mercedes came running intae ma bedroom greetin'. Ma youngest
two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade slept through it all.
Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching Trisha the next
morning, so ah wiz". Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said
"The noise wiz pure tremendous man. At first ah thoat it wiz
the young team coming oot of The Bugle Bar, but it wiz even worser " .
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Bon Accord Pola Cola and two tons of Cheese Toasties to the area to
help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching the
rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including
Benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers. Residents in
neighbouring Ruchill offered to accommodate those left homeless,
but the Maryhill people decided they were better off where they were.
A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take at least a
full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has
been a Blitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".
Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents
to refurbish their homes. The Government has pledged to ensure that
bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as
possible.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for
those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball
caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits
(female), white sport socks, (2 furra pounda!) Rockport boots or
Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required. Please
try to include - Microwave chips, Greggs Pies , Sugar Puffs, Tins
of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of
Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado ,
glue or hairspray. Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the
compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family
of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter.
*Breaking News*
Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble.
Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco - Pop. When
asked where she was bleeding from she replied " Craigmont Avenue ,
whit's it got to dae wi' you ya f*dd?"
-
Pakawala
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1315
- Joined: August 3, 2006, 9:29 pm
- Location: A golf course when not at home.
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
I got this new deodorant today.
The instructions said, 'Remove cap and push up bottom'.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.
The instructions said, 'Remove cap and push up bottom'.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.
-
Pakawala
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1315
- Joined: August 3, 2006, 9:29 pm
- Location: A golf course when not at home.
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
V
V
V
V
V
So, they buried Susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
V
V
V
V
V
So, they buried Susie.
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling’.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'
=D>
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling’.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'
=D>
-
Pakawala
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1315
- Joined: August 3, 2006, 9:29 pm
- Location: A golf course when not at home.
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened
by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a
glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his
arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
Little boy: "What the hell do you think?"
by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a
glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his
arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
Little boy: "What the hell do you think?"
-
Pakawala
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1315
- Joined: August 3, 2006, 9:29 pm
- Location: A golf course when not at home.
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
A class of five-year old school children return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child, ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?''
Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''
Becky duly goes and writes, 's a n d' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says, 'Freddie, what have you been doing In your playtime?'
Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the Blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says, 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''
''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me.
Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see
under my jacket in case I had explosives.''
''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''
The teacher says to the first child, ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?''
Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''
Becky duly goes and writes, 's a n d' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says, 'Freddie, what have you been doing In your playtime?'
Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the Blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says, 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''
''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me.
Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see
under my jacket in case I had explosives.''
''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''
-
Pakawala
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1315
- Joined: August 3, 2006, 9:29 pm
- Location: A golf course when not at home.
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant Ole.
‘I am goin' huntin' tomorrow,’ he said, ‘and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.' Ole agrees.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: 'So, Ole, How was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.
The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir,' says Ole..
Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: ‘HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!
'Tunderin' Lord Yeezus, Ole! What did you do?', asks the doctor.
‘I put drops in her eyes,’ says Ole.
‘I am goin' huntin' tomorrow,’ he said, ‘and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.' Ole agrees.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: 'So, Ole, How was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.
The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir,' says Ole..
Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: ‘HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!
'Tunderin' Lord Yeezus, Ole! What did you do?', asks the doctor.
‘I put drops in her eyes,’ says Ole.
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
4 Jamaicans sitting around the campire,discussin the fastest thing known to man,Seymour says I think the fasses ting is a thought cos B 4 U CanTink it,You already thought it,Winston says Nah Man de fasses ting is a Blink,because B 4 U Can blink,U dun Blink already,Delroy says Nah Man De fasses ting is Helectricity becas when U turn on De switch it travel Fass & De light come on,Leroy sez,Nah Man De fasses ting is diaorehea,DIAOREHEA they all say ?? Yeah Man cos last night B 4 I could BLINK,TINK,or switch on de lite,I'd Sh*t Me Fuc*in SELF............ 
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
Bob takes his mate Stan bear hunting.
Bob says “ I use a different system for hunting. What we do is we get the dog to chase the bear up a tree. I give you the gun and I climb the tree and shake the branches until the bear falls out. Then the dog shags the bear into submission.”
Stan says “ What’s the gun for?”
Bob says “ If I fall out, you shoot the dog”
Bob says “ I use a different system for hunting. What we do is we get the dog to chase the bear up a tree. I give you the gun and I climb the tree and shake the branches until the bear falls out. Then the dog shags the bear into submission.”
Stan says “ What’s the gun for?”
Bob says “ If I fall out, you shoot the dog”
-
stattointhailand
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 19114
- Joined: October 25, 2007, 11:34 pm
- Location: Oiling the locks on my gun case
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said:
As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a individual in charge - and you're not a individual."
Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."
Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr. Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are
not an Emperor."
Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a individual in charge - and you're not a individual."
Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."
Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr. Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are
not an Emperor."
Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
Mathematics
A 10 year old boy was failing maths very badly. His parents tried everything from private tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally they decided to enrol their son in a private Catholic school which had a very good reputation.
After the first day the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern and determined expression on his face and went straight to his room, where he quietly closed his door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room, with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat and after quickly clearing his plate went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card unopened placed it on the table and went to his room. Cautiously his parents opened it and to their amazement saw a bright red A under the subject Math.
Overjoyed they rushed to their son’s room. Was it the Nun’s the father asked? The boy only shook his head. Was it the one on one tutoring? The peer monitoring? Another shake of the head. The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?
No said the son. On the first day at the new school when I walked in the front door and saw the poor guy they had nailed to the plus sign, I just knew they meant business.
A 10 year old boy was failing maths very badly. His parents tried everything from private tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally they decided to enrol their son in a private Catholic school which had a very good reputation.
After the first day the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern and determined expression on his face and went straight to his room, where he quietly closed his door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room, with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat and after quickly clearing his plate went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card unopened placed it on the table and went to his room. Cautiously his parents opened it and to their amazement saw a bright red A under the subject Math.
Overjoyed they rushed to their son’s room. Was it the Nun’s the father asked? The boy only shook his head. Was it the one on one tutoring? The peer monitoring? Another shake of the head. The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?
No said the son. On the first day at the new school when I walked in the front door and saw the poor guy they had nailed to the plus sign, I just knew they meant business.
-
Farang1
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 547
- Joined: September 7, 2006, 8:48 pm
- Location: Just around the corner...
- Contact:
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today .........
The people who are starting college this fall w ere born in 1992.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable..
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been microwaved .
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?',
'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ' or
'de plane Boss, de plane'.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type?
That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
Live, Love and Laugh, Life is too short!!
The people who are starting college this fall w ere born in 1992.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable..
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been microwaved .
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?',
'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ' or
'de plane Boss, de plane'.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type?
That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
Live, Love and Laugh, Life is too short!!
-
jackspratt
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 17115
- Joined: July 2, 2006, 5:29 pm
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.. 'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
;
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .
.
.
'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.. 'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
;
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .
.
.
'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
Office Memo for Xmas party:
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name..
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name..
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan
Re: A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games
Since we are on the subject of the holidays and there are numerous calls for putting 'christ' back into xmas (even though 'christ' has nothing to do with the origins of the seasonal festivities), here is a humorous parody of it:
