A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games

[docta]

ROSES

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic
surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in
size because they were loose & flapping. Out of
embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a
secret & the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she
found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the Dr. "I
thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for
confidentiality & that the 1st rose was from him: "I
felt sad because you went through this all by
yourself."

"The 2nd rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the
surgery & empathized because she had the same
procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the 3rd rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn
unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[UdonExpat]

Smart Ass Answers of the Year








> SMART ASS ANSWER #6
>
> It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked..
> 'Yes or no,' she replied.
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #5
>
> A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her..
> Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #4
>
> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
> The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead..'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #3
>
> The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
> When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #2
>
> A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
> Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
> The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
>
> A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
>
>
>
> A BONUS EXTRA
>
> A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
>

[Pakawala]

For your EX-Valentine...
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
Empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

[Pakawala]

WINNER OF JOKE OF THE YEAR 2009

Two women were sitting together, quietly.

[Pakawala]

A couple living in a small Midlands village take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to darts, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"

"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before."

"I know," he replied, "but the darts team hadn't!"

[Pakawala]

The Pope and Tiger woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "It will be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up," apologises the Pope.

"No problem," replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late!!"

[Astana]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and 'Mad Harry' stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a
licence for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it out for him. "OK" he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, 'Weird Ron' popped out in front of her and shouted "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drinks mat and held it up to him. Ron nodded and said, "Carry on ma'am!"

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, 'Crazy Craig' stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh god" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

[Pakawala]

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop.
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'
Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel.'

[Astana]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles..'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure..'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[747man]

Wayne Bridge has "Failed " to win back his Wife,He Bought her some Cadburys Chocolate in the shape of HIS Kn*b,But She said "No Thanks " I Prefer..............Terry's

[Farang1]

United States Congress

Solution to the Job Shortage

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the U. S. Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPEd can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPEd and SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPEd once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPEd could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouses) or HERPES (Half-Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPEd and are staying on will receive as much ---- (Special High-Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of ---- they yearly give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ----, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the ---- you can handle.



Sincerely,

The committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[Farang1]

LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH SNOW

December 8, 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses print.. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My
neighbor tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad
he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff
and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I
think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity
was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing
to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
room.

December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last
night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.. Might
have another shipment in March. I think they're lying Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white ---- fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed
again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on
his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought
I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who
drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the
street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25
Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit
him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I
think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful
Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14
hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard.. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me
for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for
trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?


For those that live or have lived in snow counrty, I thought you could appreciate this little story

[moley]

A chap has a terrible fall at work and looses both his ears the doctor tells him we have patched you up as best as we can but your ears were not brought in so we could not sew them back on you will be able to hear close up but with out ears you have no catchment as your ears act like funnels. oh dear says the man isnt there anything you can do for me. Well says the doctor we dont get much call for ears but i have had a look in the donner fridge and there are a couple.Thank god for that exclaims the man hurry up and sew them on.Well its not that straight forward says the doc you see there not a matching pair.Oh sh-t says the poor fellow what are they Well ones from a pig and the other is from a jack russel dog replies the doc but i was thinking if you grew your hair long perhaps no one will notice.Well the poor man has no options and agrees the operation goes well and the doctor tells the man to go home be patient and get used to them.Come back in a month and we will see how your doing says the doc
Well a month has passed and in comes the chap with his hair all grown long.Ah you do look well says the doc how have you been getting along .Well theres good news and bad exclaims the man the good news is that the ear from the jack russel is brilliant i can hear a man whistle from five miles away.And whats the bad news then asks the doc............... Well says the man im getting alot of crackling from the other one

Sorry for that but perhaps it might appeal to Nobi

[Pakawala]

Paddy & Mick at it again:

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

------------ --------- --------oOo- -----------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen ***** than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole ******' bed by the looks of it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !”

[WBU ALUM]

Heard today that we can't find Al Gore to make a statement about ClimateGate and global warming because he's ... well, he's thawing out someplace.

[rick]

WBU, for once, a global warming comment even i can laugh about!

[old-timer]

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8.. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

[747man]

Must be BORED O/T, Stealing other posters JOKES !!! Whats up ?? Did "The Well Fit Bird " let you down tonight ???

[Aardvark]

Maybe you weren't meant to see it =D> =D>

[old-timer]

Must be BORED O/T, Stealing other posters JOKES !!! Whats up ?? Did "The Well Fit Bird " let you down tonight ???

Nope, wrong again, i stole the joke from a colleague who e mailed it to me, i had not seen it before, and secondly, "the well fit bird" was out and about with OT last night, so wrong again 747 man.
Try again.

OT........