A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games

[747man]

O/T I Think you saw THAT Joke on " The Lighter Side " from which you have since been EXPELLED for being a NAUGHTY O/T........

[Farang1]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'


Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

[Farang1]

The reason congressmen try so hard to get
re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.

[UdonExpat]

Groaners for the Educated Mind


Some of these are REAL groaners ~ en





Some thought provoking thoughts......







Puns for Educated Minds



1. The roundest knight at individual Arthur's round table was

Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.


4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra

class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still

be stationery.



6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was

cited for littering.



7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would

result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.



8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police
are looking into it.



11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One
hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it
hit me.



14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:

'Keep off the Grass.'



15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.



16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.



17. A backward poet writes inverse.



18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.



19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of
religion.



20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

[grozza]

little sally 8 years old comes home from school one day and says mum little johnny showed me his pen** today,sallys mum is horrified and picks up the phone to call the school,but before she calls sally says it was like a peanut.mum starts laughing her head off and says was it really small was it sally and she say no no it was salty. oops

[Farang1]

HOW TO SAVE a PAPAYA FROM FALLING FROM A TREE






Think......





Think....... ......... ..





Think......





Come on keep thinking ............ ... !!!!!







You are thinking too hard........ .











But No use!!!

[UdonExpat]

FARM KID in the Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none..

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable width and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes..

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.






Your loving daughter,

Alice

[Miruku]

Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual'.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? 'No, because he's really heavy'

Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' the doctor asks. 'Don't you start' says the guy.

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

[Farang1]

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE

[Farang1]

The Meaning of UP....

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any
other two-letter word, and that word
is 'UP.' It is listed in the
dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's
easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky
or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we
wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do
we speak UP, and why are the
officers UP for
election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a
report? We call UP our friends,
brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We
lock UP the house and
fix UP the old
car.

At other times this little word has real special
meaning. People stir UP trouble,
line UP for
tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one
thing but to be dressed UP is
special.

And this UP is confusing: A
drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We
open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night. We seem to be pretty mixed
UP about UP !

To be
knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about
thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may
wind UP with a hundred or
more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is
clouding UP . When the sun comes out
we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it
soaks UP the
earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap
it UP, for now ........my time is UP !

Oh....one more thing:
What is the first thing you
do in the morning & the last thing you do at
night?

U
P !


Now
I'll shut UP

[UdonExpat]

Puns - The higher form of humor


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[Farang1]

Lil Johnny Meets Barack

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.


One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."


"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama.
'That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama
searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy,
because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss....
and you can bet your ass it's probably not an accident either."

[jingjai]

Joke of the Year - 2010

Two Thai women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.




no, thats it. brilliant!

[Farang1]

A little hunting humor....

[Pakawala]

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries an Australian dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.

I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.

You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Maggie takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,

'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,

'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

[Farang1]

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,

"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

[Farang1]

Story of a Challenged Senior Citizen

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1,800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [Blue tooth but it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-cal-cu-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me (after 50+ years I certainly hope so).

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings. It was a lot easier when it was connected to a cord (for the kids out there reading this, yes, there used to be a cord attached to the phone - and we only had one phone in the house! I won't even go into "party lines" but older folks know what I'm talking about).

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me. Now, I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."

Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.




Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

[Pakawala]

I went to my Dr. the other day and found my ol' Doc had hired a couple of PA's. Fortunately the one he assigned to me was 'drop-dead gorgeous'.

I was embarrassed to be handled by her, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional...

I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

So I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."

[dake333]

2 Guys in a bar last week said everytime they have sex with these lovely little ladies their eyes water,face turns red and suffer a warm glow.every one in the bar agreed it was from the pepper spray.

** Mod Note** some text removed**

[UdonExpat]

For our golfing friends -

GOLF THOUGHTS

I've spent most of my life golfing .... the rest I've just wasted. ~Author
Unknown

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were
taken.~Raymond Floyd

My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they
are out having fun. ~Jim Bishop

I'm hitting the woods just great .... but having a terrible time getting
out of them! > ~Author Unknown

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it
in one afternoon on the golf course. ~Hank Aaron

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six,and write down five.
~Paul Harvey

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the
clubs and the fresh air. ~Jack Benny

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy
Graham

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined
to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf
swing. ~Ben Hogan

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf
ball. ~Jack Lemmon

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.~Joe E.
Lewis

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still
rolling. ~Mark Twain

Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill
adapted for the purpose. ~Woodrow Wilson

Born to golf. Forced to work. ~Author Unknown

My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.~Author Unknown

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
~Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters.~Author
Unknown

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it
straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve
your lie. ~George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a
bagpipe. ~Author Unknown