Parenting, too harsh or not???

[nkstan]

Stan . I noticed you didn't answer my question as to what the child's Mother thinks .Now a lot of postings later you still haven't once mentioned her , presumably the natural parent . All I see is a lot of "I" said. "I" did . This is very worrying to me . In any parenting situation it is essential a combined approach is discussed and presented to the child in an agreed manner , otherwise the child gets confused and may even be getting feedback from the Mother which runs contrary to your advise .I presume you have both discussed the problem and the punishment needed to rectify the situation, or is this just simply, I know whats best, therefore that's what I will do . I hope not ,as I can say now, from my experience that this won't work .It must be seen as coming from both of you .You might just be fostering a longer term resentment that stretches far beyond the immediate problem of wearing a helmet .Just my thoughts as another concerned parent .

I understand what you are saying and agree that in most cases ,that would be the proper and best avenue to take.There is more to the picture about the family dynamics and I prefer to not take the discussion to those depths on the forum.

Much of the ''I'' posting is related to my feelings and difficulty administering punishment,not to descibe an ''I'' decided only scenario,My wife is not paricipating in this forum discussion as I or we are not looking for direction,I was only interested in what others thought.I have had extensive training involving troubled children and challenged adults as patients and clients!

Right or wrong,since my daughter is relatively isolated socially as related to intimate friendships and the fact that I am a falang that choses to live here under my terms,our household is falang oriented and not Thai oriented.all this has been discussed between all of us and we stand in agreement!In relation to helmut wearing or any other kind of training,for what ever reasonsand generally speaking,Thais seem to pay little attention to training and discipline.From what I see,when they do discipline,it is with anger,which is not acceptable to me!

But ,one only has to see all those people riding M/B's unsafely,to see there is a different attitude about parenting in play,that does not fit in my or ''our''life!

[bumper]

You know we went to the Candle Festival in Ubon last weekend, we took our house keepers daughters with us 14 & 11, These kids for most part are on auto pilot. I have raised three daughters I don't work that way. The rules were explained and the followed them to the letter.

They are great kids or I would never have given them the chance to do this. My ex tried to be my daughters friend rather then their mother. It didn't work out real well. The ex didn't pay for it the kids did.

Most kids need and want guidance if you try to give it. If you care sometimes you have to wear the black hat and sometimes your partner isn't going to like it either, but if it's best for the child and you care step up. This particular one is a no brainer All kids want to fit in as a teenager I knew nothing bad would happen to me. I was wrong we are not talking about being 30 Mins late. We are talking about something that can kill and does everyday in this country.

You get on my bike you will wear a helmet, or walk up to you. They have saved my life three times. I never had a day where I said to myself I'm going to get in an accident, so I will wear the helmet today.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks your right. If you cause your daughter some discomfort to save her life so be it.

[trubrit]

It seems Bumper you are actually saying that riding a motorbike will inevitably lead to an accident . You yourself admit to having three life threatening incidents and I would consider you to be a very sensible mature person . Surely if that's the case it would be better to ban riding the bike than worrying about wearing a helmet .Maybe a different approach such as promising to buy a small car in a few years time if she forgets the MB now would work .Quite honestly I never realised the dangers of two wheels were so high.I do sympathise with Stan and anyone else going through this though. Maybe with so much head banging Dad should be wearing the helmet .
In case anyone thinks the buy a car idea is ridiculous may I point out. In the UK following a govt safety campaign that most teenagers prefer to save for their first little motor when they are 18 rather than buy a MB at 16 .In fact motorbikes are nearly an endangered species on UK roads , you see so few .

[nkstan]

Sometimes when I see the lack of worry by Thai parents,or for that matter,Thai adults,I wonder if it is because they have a programmed religious belief in reincarnation,that is so strong,''not to worry''!baffles me,it does!

[trubrit]

Sometimes when I see the lack of worry by Thai parents,or for that matter,Thai adults,I wonder if it is because they have a programmed religious belief in reincarnation,that is so strong,''not to worry''!baffles me,it does!

I don't think its quite that Stan. I get the impression that its " What will be , will be .Again stemming from their religious teaching though .Its as though they feel their destiny is pre planned and there is no point in trying to change it .Not even by taking what we would consider to be , preventive measures .

[bumper]

Hey was that you I heard snoring in Ubon. Motorcycles are dangerous. But it is a part of my seeing Thailand. That doesn't mean I don't take precautions. I don't run my bike at 200 even though I know it will do it. The one thing I know is I can't plan an accident so using protective gear is important.

Because we were prepared my wife and I survived. I've seen lots of accidents in the groups I ride in from time to time. Not one person died, they wore helmets. That got skinned up some even broke a few bones. But, none of them are dead.

Lets think about this a min. are Thai's really that much different then we were in our younger years. Nothing would harm us and that is the way we led our lives. I never needed a cop sitting somewhere to get me to wear one, that lesson was learned a long time ago in the U.S. not here.

Watch the news when they parade bodies around, you will notice very few helmets.

I think what Stan did knowing people were going to be upset with him, was exactly what any loving parent should have done. Maybe his wife doesn't understand I don't know. But, he did and if he had not stepped up and something were to happen to that young lady, what then?

[rick]

IN the UK, everyone wears helmets or the police WILL get you. Official statistics show that MB riders here in UK have a 10 times higher death rate than car drivers. MB riders do take more risks, drive faster; some are maybe good drivers but iF you get into a major accident, no armour like in a car. Have had 2 serious accidents in cars in my life (car written off) from which i was able to walk or limp away from; on a bike those accidents would have been stretcher jobs.

In Udon, due to not having my own car yet, have to sometimes ride on back of MB, but not from choice!

[LoongLee]

trubrit "I don't think its quite that Stan. I get the impression that its " What will be , will be .Again stemming from their religious teaching though .Its as though they feel their destiny is pre planned and there is no point in trying to change it .Not even by taking what we would consider to be , preventive measures ."

Absolutely correct,,, their religious and cultural upbringing prevents them from being proactive in many cases like westerners. Their destiny is preordained, and they have no input to it. In fact, IMHO it is the root cause of the historical disparity between ethnic Thais and Chinese (or most outsiders). The Chinese will work themselves to death and make any sacrifice to advance the family and future generations,,,,, Thais believe if success is preordained for them it will just happen. The only input they have is to make merit for a future life.... to come back in their next life with higher status, income, education, etc.,

Religious Westerners' goal (for most religions) is to go to Heaven, not Hell. We only get one chance. Their goal is to make merit and come back in a better life or status,,,, not lower human or even lower animals.

Over the last 45 years I have witnessed uncountable situations where Thais would take incredible, dangerous actions without readily available precautions and be amazed and amused at westerners reactions.

I should point out the opinions and observations noted above are based on 45 years of first hand experience and extensive discussions with Thais about their beliefs.

You're fighting an entire culture and civilization Stan,,,,, I wish you all the best of luck and good fortune,,,, your daughter's life and future is depending on it.

[nkstan]

I know people in many places during my life,that have shown an absolute belief/faith in their religion,therefore living a very stress free life.I am always amazed and even a bit envious.

I had a point in my life,where I lost everything that I thought was important at the time,had an emotional ,physical and financial bottom,went through a recovery process involving faith in something greater than myself,initially a group of people,later a conscious actions of letting go,turning everything over to my concept of a Universal pwer(I call the Creator),showing up for life,doing the best with what ever life put in front of me,trusting/having faith that everything would work for the best in my life!

My whole life went in completely different direction than my old thinking would have taken it,I had a period of genuine happiness that I had never really experienced before!It seem to last about 5 years and then I slowly slacked on letting go,started taking more control again for the next 25 years!

He seems to be a battle with the EGO and living a life of faith!Even recognizing the situation,I find it difficult to go back!

I liked Trubrit and Loonglee's observations,but I still wonder why the stress and anger/resentment seems to exist in many Thais ,in other areas of their life,if in fact they belief everything is preordained??

[trubrit]

[quote="nkstan"



I liked Trubrit and Loonglee's observations,but I still wonder why the stress and anger/resentment seems to exist in many Thais ,in other areas of their life,if in fact they belief everything is preordained?? [/quote]
I think simply Stan whilst they may believe that their life is preordained it doesn't mean they have to like it .This is in my view possibly the root cause of the anger and frustrations. Can you imagine believing you are a samlor pedalist just because its your Karma when all the time you really want to be a bus driver .

[parrot]

"45 years of first hand experience"

Here what I've learned in my 40 years of analyzing my partner's brain. My brain is wired for 110v. My wife's for 220. You might be able to tweak out 130v from my brain and 170v from my wife's. But ultimately, the wiring is completely different. That's not to say the difference is bad, but I think the sooner you realize that there's a different wiring diagram between two, the healthier your relationship will be. My 2 satang worth.

[LoongLee]

Parrot,,,,,,,, It was way too early when I first typed that post,,, I should have gone thru my numbers again,,,, I should have come up with 40 years also,,,,,,, Ha Ha LL

[nkstan]

[quote="nkstan"



I liked Trubrit and Loonglee's observations,but I still wonder why the stress and anger/resentment seems to exist in many Thais ,in other areas of their life,if in fact they belief everything is preordained??

I think simply Stan whilst they may believe that their life is preordained it doesn't mean they have to like it .This is in my view possibly the root cause of the anger and frustrations. Can you imagine believing you are a samlor pedalist just because its your Karma when all the time you really want to be a bus driver . [/quote]
=D> =D> Your certainly correct,liking and acceptance are not always congruent!

[maaka]

as a biker of 40yrs, you will get away afew times in crashes without a helmut, but the day does come when it will save your life, and maybe more than once. I have a half a dozen helmuts that bear the scars of sliding along the road, flips over the handlebars, and the odd head on..I have been to Udon Hospital to visit thai student friends who have been hit while on their motorbike. some of them fellas had heads the size of watermellons and I am not joking, and their pupils were lost in the back of their head somewheres..its a sad sight to see so many young people lying there, many because they didnt wear a helmut.

Kids need boundries, need to know what responsiblity means. Tell her you love her sure, most important, tell her you care about her, and dont no what you would without her, but also tell her that these were our rules, and you knew the rules young lady, and broke the rules. give her a smack on the inner forearm, like thai mothers do, and where it hurts, and give her the weeks detention..and if I catch you again, you will get the same..and I will not be buying you a motorbike when your older until you learn to wear a helmut..its not to much to ask....

short and sharp and say no more.

if you ask me we are all becoming a bunch of namby pambies...