Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by **beer monkey** » October 17, 2006, 4:25 am

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!" .

Post by **polehawk** » October 17, 2006, 12:59 pm

Early Halloween special. Beat a 110?

Bowling for Cats...

This game will drive you crazy!!! Just click the link below and then remember to use the space bar to roll your ball not the mouse!!!

This is fun and addicting...

http://www.club300.ru/public/content/me ... at_new.swf

Post by **beer monkey** » October 17, 2006, 3:19 pm

Good game Good game.......... not easy to get a strike,that pesky arrow just moves before you hit the bar.

Post by **beer monkey** » October 17, 2006, 6:25 pm

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. .

Post by **Iceman** » October 19, 2006, 9:47 pm

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Post by **jingjai** » October 20, 2006, 5:09 pm

>>NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
>>
>>
>>
>>A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
>>conversation.
>>
>>The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is
>>galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
>>
>>
>>
>>"Emma come first.
>>Den I come.
>>Den two asses come together.
>>I come once-a-more!
>>Two asses, they come together again.
>>I come again and pee twice.
>>Then I come one lasta time."
>>
>>The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed
pig,"
>>she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in
Public
>>places about our sex lives."
>>
>>"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a
justa
>>tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.

Post by **beer monkey** » October 20, 2006, 11:05 pm

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE

Chris: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - à¸ƒ500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million pounds if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to à¸ƒ32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Chris: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million pounds."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Chris, just to be sure.

Chris: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in London."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Chris: "Hello Maggie, its Chris here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on à¸ƒ500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on à¸ƒ500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Chris: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Chris: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had à¸ƒ500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION POUNDS.

Here is your cheque. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock." ..

Post by **lee** » October 21, 2006, 2:39 pm

This is funny...

Post by **wazza** » October 21, 2006, 2:47 pm

Question - How do u make an Australian girl come ??

Answer - who cares !

Post by **beer monkey** » October 25, 2006, 9:51 pm

Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned Troopers. .

Post by **polehawk** » October 26, 2006, 9:47 am

Sumbitch

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping
the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said,

"I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool.

Post by **jingjai** » October 26, 2006, 4:13 pm

>Clearly written by a male ....

> Please be aware that as your wives age, it is harder for them to
>maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
>oversensitive,and there is nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is, Michael. Let me relate how I handled the situation with
my
>wife, Leslie. When I was laid off from my consulting job and took
early
>retirement in April, it became necessary for Leslie to get a full-time
job,
>both for extra income and for the health insurance benefits we needed.
> Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to
show
>her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time
she
>gets home from work, and although she knows how hungry I am, she rests
an
>hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I
tell
>her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the
table. I
>generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is
not
>reasonable. I'm ready forSome home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
> She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now,
it's
>not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner.
>I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
>evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this,
as
>it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
> I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. Telling
>people what they ought to do is one of my strong points.
> Also, now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so
much
>more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement, and sometimes
she
>says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a
big issue of this, just as long as she finishes up the laundry the next
>evening. I'm willing to overlook her shortcomings in this area. Unless
I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to the
>Wednesday and Saturday poker club, or to Tuesday's and Thursday's
bowling,
>I'll tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.
> This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends
like
>shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. If I had a really bad day on
the
>course and it was wet and muddy, and my clubs are a mess, I let her
clean
>them, you know, getting the grit off the grips and a little light
Brillo on
>the club faces. Since my golf bag is heavy, I lift it out of the trunk
for
>her.
> Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as
good
>as men. But I had to tell her that I don't like to be wakened during
my
>after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the
>trunk when she's finished.
> Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she
will
>say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
>during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just
>smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two
or
>even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
> I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't
>hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of
my
>strong points

> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods.
>She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the
yard. I
>try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice,
>big, cold glass of fresh squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And,
>as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for
me
>too, then take her break by my hammock. That way we can talk until I
fall
>asleep. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
>Leslie, but I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is
>easy.Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
>> Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women get as they
get
>older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
>criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider
that
>writing it was well worthwhile.

> After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

> Regards, Michael
>
> EDITOR'S NOTE:_

> **Michael died suddenly Thursday, May 19th. He was found with a
Calloway
>extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Golf Driver rammed up his rectum with
only
>two inches of grip showing. His wife Leslie was arrested, but after
the
>jury read this letter, they accepted her defence that he accidentally
sat
>on it. She was released from custody on Friday.

Post by **lee** » October 26, 2006, 5:50 pm

Three ways to spot a millionaire...

Post by **jingjai** » November 2, 2006, 8:02 pm

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk....

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$100,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,250,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 1,200,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Post by **beer monkey** » November 3, 2006, 6:06 am

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis.
"Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother".

Post by **insomniac** » November 7, 2006, 12:11 pm

BUSH IN HELL

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you.
But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room.

In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving
in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer
and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room.

In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of
rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after
time.
" No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break
rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with
his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally
said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

Post by **Bump** » November 11, 2006, 10:08 pm

A guy sitting at the bar, western hat on, dusty boots and faded levis, lady sits down beside him and aked aer you a cowboy.

He says maybe I ride horse watch cattle mend fences, brand calves.

She says sounds like it, I'm a lesbuian, I wake up in the morning thinking about women, get dressed thinking about women, have breakfast thinking about women, go to work thinking about women. All I do everyday is think about women.

She left and guy wonders in and sits down by the guy and say yuo a cowboy. He replies, no I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian

Post by **beer monkey** » November 14, 2006, 10:13 pm

There was this Irish couple, and they wanted to spice up their love life. they decide to join a swingers club, and agree to meeting another Irish couple.
They all have a few drinks and get down to business in seperate rooms. After about an hour Paddy says to Mick,.... "I wonder how the girls are doing?".

Post by **Garnet** » November 16, 2006, 11:35 am

I wanted to post this on one of the threads relating to Viagra, but thought better of it in view of the nudity.

Post by **beer monkey** » November 17, 2006, 10:18 pm

DICTIONARY FOR WOMENS PERSONAL AD'S.

40 ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept With Everybody.
Athletic = No Tits.
Average Looking = Ugly.
Beautiful = Pathological Liar.
Contagious Smile = Does a Lot of Pills.
Emotionally Secure = On Medication.
Feminist = Fat
Free Spirit = Junkie.
Fun = Annoying.
New Age = Body Hair In the Wrong Places.
Open Minded = Desperate.
Outgoing = Loud And Embarrasing
Professional = Bitch.
Voluptuous = Very Fat.
Large Frame = Huge.
Wants Soul Mate = Stalker. .

Consolidated Joke Thread

If me wrote advice columns

Three ways to spot a millionaire...

Best Viagra Ad Ever